I'm just a middle-age fraud pathetic loser

[niki wonoto]

It's been a long while that I've posted a thread here in this website. I'm from Indonesia (42/M). Recently, I've just realized that I'm just a middle-age fraud pathetic loser. I don't know, I think it's just really sad that in the universe, there just exists a 'random' waste of space & oxygen like me, whose life is just not clear what to do (or be), & basically just existing, without any purpose. My life is probably the prime example of irony, tragedy, & absurdity, because I actually have so much potentials to be 'successful, make it big' or something like that (according to many people). But, in reality, here I am, just wasting & rotting away, day by day, each day everyday.

Life is random, isn't it? Anything could just happen, including any bad sh*ts that could happen in any corner of the planet. Just like my pathetic sad life & existence, for example.

 

[Richard Langford]

Most people live quite mundane, ordinary lives don't they and typically are happy with such like? Indeed, I'd say 99.999% probably do. The fact that you haven't been successful or made it big shouldn't really be a reason to ctb in my opinion.

 

[whyidon'tknow]

Sending you some love and kindness this world is hard to exist in

 

[niki wonoto]

Most people live quite mundane, ordinary lives don't they and typically are happy with such like? Indeed, I'd say 99.999% probably do. The fact that you haven't been successful or made it big shouldn't really be a reason to ctb in my opinion.

idk, maybe it's because i'm too idealistic.. i have all these 'big ideas/visions' but sadly in reality i've failed in all of them..

"reality is often disappointing" even Thanos said that.. reality often fail & fall flat down when compared to our imaginations..

(except for all those 'lucky' people perhaps.. who can live their dream lives.. happy, successful, famous, influential, in relationships with the ideal person of their dreams.. etc etc etc.. )

 

[Richard Langford]

idk, maybe it's because i'm too idealistic.. i have all these 'big ideas/visions' but sadly in reality i've failed in all of them..

"reality is often disappointing" even Thanos said that.. reality often fail & fall flat down when compared to our imaginations..

(except for all those 'lucky' people perhaps.. who can live their dream lives.. happy, successful, famous, influential, in relationships with the ideal person of their dreams.. etc etc etc.. )

Bu they are very, VERY few of the latter. Most people arent. And even the latter group have their issues. They get divorced. Business ventures fail. Etc... Etc.. You're being very hard on yourself.

 

[niki wonoto]

I feel like I need to clarify more what I mean when I've said initially in my thread post above that I'm a 'fraud':

Since English is not my first language (I'm a Chinese-Indonesian), I might have used the wrong word when I've said 'fraud', because when I actually googled the phrase yesterday, it actually said that being a 'fraud' basically already involves a certain amount level of success, which I am not, in reality. But I thought I've heard somewhere (or perhaps from watching a movie or something like that) that when someone said "I'm a fraud", generally-speaking, it usually would mean that the person is basically just a pathetic 'loser' who keep making excuses, or even faking everything, trying to be #metoo basically in almost *everything* that he/she could find any excuse, or basically the person just making up *anything* just to avoid any work, responsibility, hardship, challenge, etc2. So, I just don't understand how come or why even google search results actually indicated that being a 'fraud' actually already involves being a 'successful' person?? I thought it was *ANYTHING* but that! I've always thought that being a 'fraud' just simply means being a pathetic, sad loser, which I really am...

This is also where today's "mental health" problems, in my opinion, ironically becomes a complicated 'problem' & dilemma on its own. Because now there seems to be a lot of people who don't really know what's "mental health problems" really are, and so they keep 'self-diagnosing' themselves, and even making excuses, or made up stories or something basically to 'fake/pretend' having a 'mental health' problem/issue, where probably there is none. Nowadays, it even becomes much more difficult or harder to identify which one has a 'real' mental health problems/issues, & which one is not...

But, life is complicated. It has always been. Although yes, paradoxically (& absurdly), life is also simple, at the same time (even *depressingly* too simple, in my opinion personally, which is another topic for deeper discussions another time). Life is absurd. Which is again exactly why I've said in my initial OP's thread/post at the very above, that *ANYTHING* could happen in this life, even including any type of 'bad' things unthinkable or unimaginable. Most people in this world/life unfortunately are just too naive (or too scared/afraid) to always think only in "good things can happen!", but naively/ignorantly/stupidly in their 'toxic positivity' delusions never even want to think that actually, in reality, *BAD things* could potentially happen too, in their lives! You'll never know, we'll never know for sure! But, at least in my family, I've personally already experienced how unpredictable life is, & sadly, bad thing could really happen & even destroyed (or limiting) the happiness I've once had before when I was still young, naive, innocent, & had a relatively 'happy life' & quite 'privileged', comfortable life upbringing... so again, you'll never know for sure, because nobody knows about the future with 100% accuracy, because we're just only humans (flawed & limited), we're not gods...

 

[genie]

If you look at it in a nihilistic, fatalist sense, all life is a waste. Don't be too down on yourself. I'm a loser and a waste of oxygen, but I've accepted it and the acceptance has made me happier so it doesn't bother me that much. Other things depress me though.

 

[JealousOfTheElderly]

I feeI could have written this post and your original myself. I am going through the same. The word you're thinking of is "failure". This is what I am. I'm supposed to be much more ahead in life with my skillset than I am. Everyone around me is a lot more successful. I failed. Somewhere along life, I got derailed and stopped being successful. I messed up and I can't come back from this. Plus as a middle age person, it's too late for me anyway. I'm just taking up space in this world. I feel your pain. Wish I could hug you.

 

[niki wonoto]

I feeI could have written this post and your original myself. I am going through the same. The word you're thinking of is "failure". This is what I am. I'm supposed to be much more ahead in life with my skillset than I am. Everyone around me is a lot more successful. I failed. Somewhere along life, I got derailed and stopped being successful. I messed up and I can't come back from this. Plus as a middle age person, it's too late for me anyway. I'm just taking up space in this world. I feel your pain. Wish I could hug you.

Thank you really, at least I know that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

I think what I regret the most is basically I've always been this indecisive person (most likely also with ADHD 'easily distracted' tendencies), whose life mostly just have been filled with 90% inactions, not doing anything, procrastination, being 'lazy' (according to my parents), & just didn't have enough 'drive/fire/spark' to sort of 'push in full throttle' for all my dreams, goals, & visions that I've had. Even worse, is how I'm a (very) idealistic type of person, who just have this 'big/huge' imaginations, that sadly just can't be compared to the 'lowly', mundane reality...

But, probably the worst of it all, is how lately I've realized that maybe the blame is on me myself only, most of the time, & all my mistakes, & what I didn't do; instead of how (sadly) I've always blamed everything else really: my life's circumstances/situations/conditions, being born in the wrong country (& wrong time/era), my parents (especially my father's being too controlling of almost everything that I've always wanted to do), people/humans for being shallow & superficial, my 'bad lucks', & even god/universe & this whole entire existence & reality...

It's why I feel like I'm a 'fraud'... I've blamed everything else but me myself...

If you look at it in a nihilistic, fatalist sense, all life is a waste. Don't be too down on yourself. I'm a loser and a waste of oxygen, but I've accepted it and the acceptance has made me happier so it doesn't bother me that much. Other things depress me though.

Yeah, nihilism (philosophy) strangely do 'comfort' me sometimes...

knowing & realizing that nothing matters in the end...

we're all just speck of dust in the universe (& existence)...

 

[JealousOfTheElderly]

Thank you really, at least I know that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

I think what I regret the most is basically I've always been this indecisive person (most likely also with ADHD 'easily distracted' tendencies), whose life mostly just have been filled with 90% inactions, not doing anything, procrastination, being 'lazy' (according to my parents), & just didn't have enough 'drive/fire/spark' to sort of 'push in full throttle' for all my dreams, goals, & visions that I've had. Even worse, is how I'm a (very) idealistic type of person, who just have this 'big/huge' imaginations, that sadly just can't be compared to the 'lowly', mundane reality...

But, probably the worst of it all, is how lately I've realized that maybe the blame is on me myself only, most of the time, & all my mistakes, & what I didn't do; instead of how (sadly) I've always blamed everything else really: my life's circumstances/situations/conditions, being born in the wrong country (& wrong time/era), my parents (especially my father's being too controlling of almost everything that I've always wanted to do), people/humans for being shallow & superficial, my 'bad lucks', & even god/universe & this whole entire existence & reality...

It's why I feel like I'm a 'fraud'... I've blamed everything else but me myself...


Yeah, nihilism (philosophy) strangely do 'comfort' me sometimes...

knowing & realizing that nothing matters in the end...

we're all just speck of dust in the universe (& existence)...

Friend, can you use this as inspiration to push yourself forward? My parents have called me a "failure" since I was born. I would look at myself in the mirror as a teenager and honestly believe that I was some worthless piece of shit that was going to wind up homeless under a bridge someday. While I do not think of myself as very successful compared to others, at least I am not homeless living under a bridge.
Can you be "rebellious" and do something like move to a different country to start over? Change careers?
Someone else asked about immigrating to the US. Do you have any tech skills? Despite what the news and media tell you, the US is very open to people from your region of the world with tech skills or hard to fill skills.
Sometimes, moving far away from the place you are abused helps somewhat... it did for me. I moved a few states away from where I grew up. It has helped me heal a little.

 

[niki wonoto]

Friend, can you use this as inspiration to push yourself forward? My parents have called me a "failure" since I was born. I would look at myself in the mirror as a teenager and honestly believe that I was some worthless piece of shit that was going to wind up homeless under a bridge someday. While I do not think of myself as very successful compared to others, at least I am not homeless living under a bridge.
Can you be "rebellious" and do something like move to a different country to start over? Change careers?
Someone else asked about immigrating to the US. Do you have any tech skills? Despite what the news and media tell you, the US is very open to people from your region of the world with tech skills or hard to fill skills.
Sometimes, moving far away from the place you are abused helps somewhat... it did for me. I moved a few states away from where I grew up. It has helped me heal a little.

Unfortunately, it's not easy, in reality..

There are many factors, that limited/constrained/restricted me, so I can't do what I really want..

First & foremost, I think & honestly feel that my 'mental health' problems might probably become a lot much worse now, sadly.. Just as I've wrote above in the comments, even back then in 2020, I was already diagnosed with Major Depression. But now, as I get older, it becomes so bad, that I seriously think/feel that my mind is already messed-up (or f*cked-up) beyond help now.. People might judge me as I'm just exaggerating, hyperbolizing, & even faking/pretending everything & making excuses etc2.. whatever.. at this point, i'm tired.. i'm just so f*cking tired with everything.. mentally-speaking.. (& soulfully even.. existentially too.. )

So, how can I even do anything anymore?.. when I basically already give up & tired of everything?..

Second, in reality, I'm limited/constrained by the 'reality' of my parents, unfortunately.. you see, my parents are now getting older.. & even as much a 'nihilistic' person as I am now, there's still a part of me that somehow still somewhat 'cares' for them.. (even though honestly I don't know whether it's genuine, natural, or just 'forced/pressured'.. ) I worry about their health in their old age.. who will take care of them?.. and then, also my parents probably wouldn't let me to move & work overseas in other country.. they said that i'm a lazy person who can't do anything.. so how can i survive living in another country?..

Third, in reality, is of course I'm limited/constrained by the money/financial factor.. although if I really want to take the risk & make a 'leap of faith jump' so to speak, with all its risks & consequences,.. then I can still use all my money in my savings account (which is not really a lot.. ) to just 'take a risk' to move overseas..

Fourth, I'm limited by my 'middle'-age factor.. i'm 42 now.. why should a 'foreign' country/place want to accept such a 'middle-aged' loser like me?..

Fifth, what about the *fatal* risks & consequences,.. if I fail there?.. what if things would just become so much worse beyond help?.. i don't know..

-------------------------

see? even the way I write all of the above is already *NOT* normal, isn't it?..

of course, other people can 'easily' do it (move & work overseas), but it's because most people are 'NORMAL' / 'normies' .. but i'm not ...

i don't know .. i just don't know anymore ...

im tired ... tired of everything ... tired all of this ... tired of life ...

i hate reality ... i hate this world / society / humanity / people / humans ... i hate this life & existence ... & i hate myself ... i hate all of this ...

.

 

[living4others]

Dont worry, you're not alone. I'm a middle aged pathetic loser too. I had so much potential and just wasted it. Now i live the life of a loser.

 

[niki wonoto]

Dont worry, you're not alone. I'm a middle aged pathetic loser too. I had so much potential and just wasted it. Now i live the life of a loser.

thx.. at least i know that i'm not alone in feeling like this..

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

I get it. Being a male in 40's without much to show for it fees so disposable. When I go on the innerwebs and look at the war in Ukraine many of the people shoved into the meat grinder on both sides are 40+ year old men, probably conscripts. I think to myself if I were living there I'd probably be dragged off the street and sent off to be cannon fodder. I can't imagine going into my 50s, 60s, 0r 70's stuck like this.

 

[niki wonoto]

I get it. Being a male in 40's without much to show for it fees so disposable. When I go on the innerwebs and look at the war in Ukraine many of the people shoved into the meat grinder on both sides are 40+ year old men, probably conscripts. I think to myself if I were living there I'd probably be dragged off the street and sent off to be cannon fodder. I can't imagine going into my 50s, 60s, 0r 70's stuck like this.

Thank you. Yes, that's a sadly true reality.

Your response reminds me again of how life is absurd. There are probably a lot of people in this world who also feels similarly: that they're just 'disposable', 'cannon fodder', trash, garbage, useless, no-good, good-for-nothing, waste of space & oxygen, loser, just a nobody/nothing, random exister, etc etc

Again, just like I've said in my OP post/thread above:

Life is random, isn't it? Anything could just happen, including any bad sh*ts that could happen in any corner of the planet. Just like my pathetic useless sad life & existence, for example.

What's even the worst perhaps is how a person with so much potentials (& talents) could just end up becoming such a pathetic, miserable middle-aged loser, who is no good for anything / good for nothing. For example, my life & me myself.

Again, I must/need to emphasize this 'deeper' very important point:

Life is random (& absurd). Anything could just happen, including any bad sh*ts that could happen in any corner of the planet.
Shits happened.