Venting I’m jealous

[On Replay]

Of everyone who has what they need to ctb , of those who get to go the way they want. The people with actual talent and skills but still go through with leaving anyway (I have none I just wish I was someone better than me) . For those who aren't here anymore, because now they're free.

It's like yeah, I'm glad for you. No more waking up to this world, no more being trapped in your sorrow. But here I am , another day, another breath, more time with living with myself and facing what life is throwing at me.

Probably sounds bad but it's true. Must be very nice to be dead and not aware anymore of anything or have everything you need to go when you want or everything you need to stay if you want. I want that , it's frustrating. I hate myself so much it makes me cringe . I beat myself up , literally sometimes and it's not enough . I'm tired

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always envied those who have died, they don't have to endure this pointless existence anymore and they have no more worries or concerns. There is nothing more ideal than permanent non existence. I agree that those who have reliable, peaceful methods and those who died a peaceful death are very lucky, but I only envy those who have left, because as long as there is life, suffering is inevitable and there is no real escape from it apart from to die.

 

[lifeisadream]

It's ok to feel jealous. It's a normal human emotion which will significantly be amplified when you have a strong desire to depart this world yourself. It certainly isn't wrong to envy those who have succeeded with their exit plans.

What makes everything worse is societies persistence at taking away our options of a relatively peaceful method. Feels like we're being punished for being brave & wanting to get out of this heartless world.

Please don't think you're a bad person though for feeling jealous at those who've found their peace. Really hope you manage to find a way to ctb & be free from the horrors of life.

 

[madiroze]

Of everyone who has what they need to ctb , of those who get to go the way they want. The people with actual talent and skills but still go through with leaving anyway (I have none I just wish I was someone better than me) . For those who aren't here anymore, because now they're free.

It's like yeah, I'm glad for you. No more waking up to this world, no more being trapped in your sorrow. But here I am , another day, another breath, more time with living with myself and facing what life is throwing at me.

Probably sounds bad but it's true. Must be very nice to be dead and not aware anymore of anything or have everything you need to go when you want or everything you need to stay if you want. I want that , it's frustrating. I hate myself so much it makes me cringe . I beat myself up , literally sometimes and it's not enough . I'm tired

When my best friend killed herself I was so angry with her for leaving me but I also secretly resented her for being so brave and courageous to CTB without anyone knowing. 13 years later I am still here suffering while she is free from all the pain because she did what I find so difficult to do.

 

[On Replay]

When my best friend killed herself I was so angry with her for leaving me but I also secretly resented her for being so brave and courageous to CTB without anyone knowing. 13 years later I am still here suffering while she is free from all the pain because she did what I find so difficult to do.

I'm sorry to hear you're still suffering. Being alone is really hard .

Personally when it comes to my best friend, I was there for her at the point in my life I was the most numb to my pain. She needed someone strong and there I was , not really knowing so. Only in her account I was

Now she's successful and beating bad guys asses (she's a sheriff now) . The same kind of ones who hurt her , who hurt me.

Im so proud of her, and I'm glad she got through it. Im on the other side of the spectrum now.

I don't have the right words to say really , but I'll say maybe if she's anything like me she was super grateful to have someone like you in her life. Someone who gave her the strength she needed in a time where she had none

And I hope you find what you need too okay ? Whatever it is , from catching the bus to healing.

 

[noalarms]

Of everyone who has what they need to ctb , of those who get to go the way they want. The people with actual talent and skills but still go through with leaving anyway (I have none I just wish I was someone better than me) . For those who aren't here anymore, because now they're free.

I have often felt this way while scrolling through the website Faces of Suicide. The sites displays the faces and memorials of over 4000 people who passed away. The fact that so many talented young people lost their battle with depression and intrusive thoughts makes me feel pessimistic about life in general - if people who appear to have the perfect life, with friends, passions, and a career they love end up killing themselves, what hope do ordinary joes have?

On the other hand, I am glad that people who had suffered enormously are no longer in pain.