my parents are funding my entire university degree, so i don't have to worry about rent, tuition, or any expenses whatsoever. luckily they've also been pretty hands off and don't really care how i use my time as long as i seem like i'm doing fine. this has been a massive advantage for me. i'm studying computer science and somehow got a 4.0 gpa first year. not because i love computer science or am a math god, honestly i've just always been good at school. assessments are predictable, i have nothing better to do with my time, and doing schoolwork is a nice distraction. something controllable.
i don't feel accomplished, i feel exhausted and incompetent and miserable. i wake up filled with despair and down medicine to try to fall asleep before i think too much. it's becoming increasingly clear to me that my life beyond school requires more than churning out As. to get that 4.0 i basically alternated between rotting in bed and sitting at my computer. i have terrible people skills, am not creative, a good problem-solver. i genuinely have no skills other than grinding for standardized tests, and especially none that'd allow me to succeed in the tech field. i'm terrified of graduating into the so-called real world.
in every non-school experience where i've failed miserably. and yes i've had actual jobs and leadership positions and been a part of clubs. people say that you can improve, but i just... don't know how. it seems people just naturally get better as they practice more and yet that's not happening to me. i can't say it's for lack of trying because i do try to get involved and because i'm proactive i get opportunities, i just can't seem to flourish in any of them. i never quite live up to the image people have of me in their head. teachers, classmates, friends, family, whatever.
this probably sounds stupid as fuck because from the outside my life looks great, but i've always had this persistent desire to end it. lately it's been a constant thought in the back of my head. i get into these moods where suicide occupies 99% of my thoughts for days on end and the only relief i can think of is killing myself and i start making plans, and then eventually it subsides. awful cycle that's gone on and on and on.
i just feel like there's something really wrong with me and i don't know how to fix it, and i feel like the evidence is there. it's why my bosses get so frustrated with me, why i can't make friends, why i can't make decisions. i don't feel like a proper human being, just a grade-churning machine. i add no value to society. but i have so much i should be grateful for and so many people have believed in me and invested in me and i am always letting them down. bleeding everyone's money and energy all over the place. i don't want to try to be one anymore, and i don't want to feel the pain of having disappointed someone again.
hell, this semester i think my gpa might drop, and you know what? yeah it'd feel like my life was over. it's genuinely the only thing i've ever been able to accomplish.
just don't know where to go from here.
i don't feel accomplished, i feel exhausted and incompetent and miserable. i wake up filled with despair and down medicine to try to fall asleep before i think too much. it's becoming increasingly clear to me that my life beyond school requires more than churning out As. to get that 4.0 i basically alternated between rotting in bed and sitting at my computer. i have terrible people skills, am not creative, a good problem-solver. i genuinely have no skills other than grinding for standardized tests, and especially none that'd allow me to succeed in the tech field. i'm terrified of graduating into the so-called real world.
in every non-school experience where i've failed miserably. and yes i've had actual jobs and leadership positions and been a part of clubs. people say that you can improve, but i just... don't know how. it seems people just naturally get better as they practice more and yet that's not happening to me. i can't say it's for lack of trying because i do try to get involved and because i'm proactive i get opportunities, i just can't seem to flourish in any of them. i never quite live up to the image people have of me in their head. teachers, classmates, friends, family, whatever.
this probably sounds stupid as fuck because from the outside my life looks great, but i've always had this persistent desire to end it. lately it's been a constant thought in the back of my head. i get into these moods where suicide occupies 99% of my thoughts for days on end and the only relief i can think of is killing myself and i start making plans, and then eventually it subsides. awful cycle that's gone on and on and on.
i just feel like there's something really wrong with me and i don't know how to fix it, and i feel like the evidence is there. it's why my bosses get so frustrated with me, why i can't make friends, why i can't make decisions. i don't feel like a proper human being, just a grade-churning machine. i add no value to society. but i have so much i should be grateful for and so many people have believed in me and invested in me and i am always letting them down. bleeding everyone's money and energy all over the place. i don't want to try to be one anymore, and i don't want to feel the pain of having disappointed someone again.
hell, this semester i think my gpa might drop, and you know what? yeah it'd feel like my life was over. it's genuinely the only thing i've ever been able to accomplish.
just don't know where to go from here.
