Venting im incredibly jealous and insecure to the point of sickenss

[luvpup]

honestly, dunno if anyone else has this same issue but im sure there has to be someone
but i'm an unremarkable stereotypical cliché type of girl.

young, likes the cutecore pink shit, does music, does art of anime girls, pitiful and depressed but trying to be kind bla bla bla gets taken advantage of by creeps bla bla bla daddy issues, feel free to add anything else that is stereotypical. the only real difference is that i'm brown but even that doesn't really matter or differentiate you anymore.

but you know what, anytime i see a girl (sometimes even feminine guys), whether its a profile or someone on tiktok or instagram (which i now no longer use because of my incredibly volatile reactions to things), i just get so sickly jealous... a pit in my stomach. its like their existence threatens my very being. as if you have a doppelgänger and now you have to either die or kill them.

it doesn't matter how many fans i have, how many people like me, how many people care about me, how many people tell me im cute enough, how young i am (now i am growing up, im 18, soon will be 19 which is even worse) honestly wen i see someone younger than me especially i just get this rage this unbridled anger and the only solution is to ignore and block them. this is why i dont use social media. i would never be friends with a girl who reminds me of myself, even if we have things in common and i consider myself a really nice person too yknow i dont go out of my way hating on people i'm not cruel i'm kind to everyone who talks to me and stuff. even if they remind me of myself i'm nice. and if i cant contain my jealousy i just block them because id rather hurt myself than be mean or bad.

recently, i got on tiktok and saw a girl with a cute backpack and thick scars and i got so fucking pissed off i closed the app and cut my own arm for the first time a bunch when i swore i wouldnt cut my arms because i like my arms...

if i see someone with a profile picture of a drawing i like, an anime i enjoy, something cute or something i've used before, if theyre younger than me, if they type in all lowercase, if they use kaomojis, anything, i get so fucking sick to my stomach. if we share trauma i just think they have to fucking disappear or else ill fucking end my life. i dont know why i feel so much rage at this it's actually insane... i control it by simply not having many female friends, not reaching out to people, not being in cutecore or anime spaces that i enjoy, i stick to myself and the own fandom for myself that ive curated. i pride myself on being a 'good person' and i have been but having all this rage underneath is making me feel awful...

 

[AstralMadness]

I get it, I always feel jealous over what others do honestly, whenever I see someone with the stuff I want (and can't get, which is basically always) when I see someone being happy with the things I want and like, it makes me sick and angry, it's why I stopped engaging with privileged people tbh or just getting anything about anybody's life, their acquisitions, travels, looks, progression on social media and only limiting it to memes/politics/news otherwise I'd just feel empty and depressed all the time seeing other people's lives, and i hadn't finished your post writing all this because i didn't wanna forget what i wanted to say but i noticed near the end that you say something similar lol, not reaching out to people or being in spaces that you enjoy. same thing i've done, i don't even hang out in fandoms of what i like anymore because of that, people always posting their merch or whatever making me jealous and angry as hell

on a similar note i feel extremely angry whenever i see anybody with a similar personality to the current or past me. i suppose it's just that deep hatred i have for myself after all
though on what i can't relate with you is this anger making me feel bad, i've always accepted that jealousy consumes me and i'm never gonna enjoy what those people do because of being poor as hell

i don't think this necessarily takes away from you being a good, kind person though. if you treat people nicely, if you're kind and respectful, if you're helpful, sweet, then that's what matters, those are core characteristics of a nice human being, this frustration and jealousy simply stems from pain and problems you have and that's okay, it doesn't make you less nice especially because you're not directing any of your anger at them, you control yourself and take it out on you though which is another issue

 

[luvpup]

i mean honestly it's nearly every day no matter where i go if i try to interact with people that i find this feeling of my identity being stripped from me and found pasted on others. so often. the only thing i could do is try to become the #1 version of me, but i could only do that by making some piece of work or a game or art or music that is so popular i get to say i did it. i can't do that. i can't even take care of myself. i can't do my makeup everyday to look like a pretty e-girl.

the "me" i felt was unique, special, valuable, from time to time, i am constantly reminded no matter what that it is ultimately replaceable and useless....

imagine , imagine you wake up and around you every day is what you see as a one to one doppelganger of you. it's like the fucking plot of a horror movie. it's awful. it's the worst. your identity is nothing. it's stripped. you are nothing. you are not you... it makes me sick. so when i see this i can only be filled with rage...

I get it, I always feel jealous over what others do honestly, whenever I see someone with the stuff I want (and can't get, which is basically always) when I see someone being happy with the things I want and like, it makes me sick and angry, it's why I stopped engaging with privileged people tbh or just getting anything about anybody's life, their acquisitions, travels, looks, progression on social media and only limiting it to memes/politics/news otherwise I'd just feel empty and depressed all the time seeing other people's lives, and i hadn't finished your post writing all this because i didn't wanna forget what i wanted to say but i noticed near the end that you say something similar lol, not reaching out to people or being in spaces that you enjoy. same thing i've done, i don't even hang out in fandoms of what i like anymore because of that, people always posting their merch or whatever making me jealous and angry as hell

on a similar note i feel extremely angry whenever i see anybody with a similar personality to the current or past me. i suppose it's just that deep hatred i have for myself after all
though on what i can't relate with you is this anger making me feel bad, i've always accepted that jealousy consumes me and i'm never gonna enjoy what those people do because of being poor as hell

i don't think this necessarily takes away from you being a good, kind person though. if you treat people nicely, if you're kind and respectful, if you're helpful, sweet, then that's what matters, those are core characteristics of a nice human being, this frustration and jealousy simply stems from pain and problems you have and that's okay, it doesn't make you less nice especially because you're not directing any of your anger at them, you control yourself and take it out on you though which is another issue

i guess the hell of comparison is something that is inescapable, i am decently off but not to the point of many online. and then people say well go irl. i find doppelgangers in real life, doppelgangers with my traits but better.

is it even appropriate to say 'im sorry you're poor?' that sounds so awful lol... but i guess what i mean is i'm sorry you're trapped in the hell of a society where your value and 'coolness' and 'admirability' is based on money and what you can show, items, and whatnot.

im trying to accept it too and just accept i wont be able to enjoy things the same as others or participate in certain things because i am so incredibly jealous and angry and i don't want to hurt or affect innocent people just because they have it better off than me. it's not their fault. good for them, right? ha...

and same, the personality thing is honestly bigger for me than even the items. when i see someone who looks like me or has a profile i think i'd have, and talks or types in a way i would saying things i have thought or in a way i would word it or how i think i again feel threatened. i feel like i'm looking at an imitator, a thief, a doppelganger and i can't help but try to ignore them or feel like i have to cut or harm myself to escape it... they do nothing wrong. thats why i could never be friends with someone like me. in rare cases ill befriend the person just to try and find out or see/determine our differences, and once (if) i can determine we are different enough the rage subsides to be bearable. this is rare though

but yeah

 

[AstralMadness]

i mean honestly it's nearly every day no matter where i go if i try to interact with people that i find this feeling of my identity being stripped from me and found pasted on others. so often. the only thing i could do is try to become the #1 version of me, but i could only do that by making some piece of work or a game or art or music that is so popular i get to say i did it. i can't do that. i can't even take care of myself. i can't do my makeup everyday to look like a pretty e-girl.

the "me" i felt was unique, special, valuable, from time to time, i am constantly reminded no matter what that it is ultimately replaceable and useless....

imagine , imagine you wake up and around you every day is what you see as a one to one doppelganger of you. it's like the fucking plot of a horror movie. it's awful. it's the worst. your identity is nothing. it's stripped. you are nothing. you are not you... it makes me sick. so when i see this i can only be filled with rage...

i understand what you mean, but you don't need to be #1 always to be unique and special, the only person that could engage on this same conversation with me is you at the end of the day, i couldn't be saying the same things and hearing these same things to anybody else, this exchange, in and of itself proves you're not just part of a mountain of people, i'm not sure if i'm explaining myself

i understand you're frustrated with feeling like you're not special and replaceable, in our current world that is pretty common after all it's hard to be "original" when what 99% of us do has already been done and thought by the tons of people that came before us, but that doesn't make us less us, or easily replaceable, or non unique, there's not another us in this point in time

i'm sorry if i'm not explaining it well honestly i have the idea of what i wanna say and i do understand what you mean i just can't really put it into words well at least not now and i don't wanna sound dismissive of how you feel either

i think at the end of the day, the smallest things are what makes you you too, idk, like, my friend could send music to literally any of the other people he knows, i'm not unique at all there. anybody would listen to the shit he wanna talk about too, but he sends it to me, why is that? he just wants to make my day with it, or wants me to feel the same as him, or enjoys my reaction, or all of them. or when he sends me memes or whatever, why exactly me when he can do it to anybody else? those are the things that make us unique, i believe, again i'm not sure if i'm explaining it right lol

 

[luvpup]

i understand what you mean, but you don't need to be #1 always to be unique and special, the only person that could engage on this same conversation with me is you at the end of the day, i couldn't be saying the same things and hearing these same things to anybody else, this exchange, in and of itself proves you're not just part of a mountain of people, i'm not sure if i'm explaining myself

i understand you're frustrated with feeling like you're not special and replaceable, in our current world that is pretty common after all it's hard to be "original" when what 99% of us do has already been done and thought by the tons of people that came before us, but that doesn't make us less us, or easily replaceable, or non unique, there's not another us in this point in time

i'm sorry if i'm not explaining it well honestly i have the idea of what i wanna say and i do understand what you mean i just can't really put it into words well at least not now and i don't wanna sound dismissive of how you feel either

i think at the end of the day, the smallest things are what makes you you too, idk, like, my friend could send music to literally any of the other people he knows, i'm not unique at all there. anybody would listen to the shit he wanna talk about too, but he sends it to me, why is that? he just wants to make my day with it, or wants me to feel the same as him, or enjoys my reaction, or all of them. or when he sends me memes or whatever, why exactly me when he can do it to anybody else? those are the things that make us unique, i believe, again i'm not sure if i'm explaining it right lol

i think i get what you're trying to say yeah, thank you for taking the time to respond, i know it can be the small things i guess... its hard sometimes when i get so emotional but i understand.. maybe its ok, but i dont know but yeah

 

[AstralMadness]

i think i get what you're trying to say yeah, thank you for taking the time to respond, i know it can be the small things i guess... its hard sometimes when i get so emotional but i understand.. maybe its ok, but i dont know but yeah

it's nothing to be thanked for i'm glad to help if i can especially if i can relate in any way

i get that too it's alright, it's hard to think about it or think when you get really emotional, nothing wrong with that either, i do think sometimes it's the smaller things that help to identify ourselves especially because it's way less likely others do the same as you in that regard