Venting I'm in over my head.

[Rayzieka]

I'm really having a bad month.
I resolved to stay around for someone I care about and now they've told me they want to ctb.
I stayed up all night with them until they fell asleep, I ended up not sleeping because I had some work to get done.
Around 10am I decided to sleep and as soon as I shut my eyes I got a call from them, they were feeling really bad and I tried to talk to them.
I'm already aware that they aren't happy but then they asked me to help them ctb... My heart's still absolutely shattered by that and that I had to tell them no.

After that they must've stopped listening because all I heard was screaming and a fist going through the wall. The call ended and I was extremely nervous and didn't know what to do... So I called their mom to see if she heard what happened and could let me know what's going on. But she picked up the phone and she was crying frantically saying that there was blood and that they're hurt.

It felt like my whole body shut down for a minute until she gave them the phone and I heard their voice.

Honestly I can hardly contain my paranoia and anxiety right now. Even though they're alright and asleep where I can hear them now.
I'm feeling the symptoms of a psychotic episode beginning and I very much just want to be here for them and not go to a hospital.

But I know it's extremely unfair for me to be constantly crying and unable to respond properly while they feel like this.
I'm absolutely terrified of the psych ward after my past experiences and I also don't want to alert my entire family to my issues along with theirs.
So yeah... all of December has been like this.

 

[OrcWitch]

That sounds stressful, like you're juggling your own mental health with someone else's issues. I can't imagine the stress of someone asking you to help them die.

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

you can never be of ANY help to ANYONE if you are not well yourself. I had to learn that the very hard way

 

[Made4TV]

How truly awful. You must have a huge heart to care about them so, but I'd agree you need to prioritize you or you're no good for you or your friend. I sure do understand the fear and hesitation about going to the hospital. Might it not be better to catch it at the beginning instead of waiting for it to get blown up to the point that you'd be less able to advocate for yourself if needed, though? Anyway, it's good to talk about things like this. Would be great if you had someone else in real life who is not also in crisis. I know this is difficult. Hugs.

 

[Rayzieka]

How truly awful. You must have a huge heart to care about them so, but I'd agree you need to prioritize you or you're no good for you or your friend. I sure do understand the fear and hesitation about going to the hospital. Might it not be better to catch it at the beginning instead of waiting for it to get blown up to the point that you'd be less able to advocate for yourself if needed, though? Anyway, it's good to talk about things like this. Would be great if you had someone else in real life who is not also in crisis. I know this is difficult. Hugs.

Thanks. I know it could be better in the long run to take time to somewhat stabilize my own brain before trying to help, but I'm also afraid of them being on their own for however long I end up being held. If the hospitals were a more peaceful environment I'd feel comfortable asking them to go themselves.

My fears of hospitalization aside I've been thinking for the last few hours and if I can't get by taking my as needed Zyprexa when worked up I'll go in.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you are going through a lot. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds really stressful. Psych wards do sound so unpleasant, I understand why you would be scared. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.