Venting I'm in hell

[escapefromabuse]

It's been almost a year since my life turned upside down. Almost a year ago I was sitting in a couple's counseling appointment hearing her say she's feeling more hopeful about our relationship. Almost a year ago she changed her mind and said she sees no hope, and the only reason she said she was hopeful was so I'd listen, not because she meant it.

That and for a thousand other reasons my every waking moment is a torturous hell. I can't sleep most nights. I've stopped planning my future. The last 18 or so months are on constant replay in my brain. I feel sick and on the verge of panic attacks. Counseling only helps to understand what happened. It doesn't fix it. It doesn't fix me. I can't keep going.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The cognitive dissonance from narcissism is a doozy. I still sometimes fight the old fights in my head. I still try to get through. Reason just doesn't get through, it's so frustrating and...impotizing! George Simon (who also displays narc behaviors) put it well: "It's not that they don't see; it's that they don't agree. It's not that they're not aware enough; it's that they don't care enough." Helpful information, but what does it change?

I've read that PTSD comes from having been powerless. Talk therapy helped but didn't fix things. EMDR and Emotional Freedom Technique did a lot. I sometimes pace while I toss a heavyish rubber myofascial release ball back and forth and work through things, imagining what I would have done if I'd had the internal or external resources for a deeply disempowering situation; I change the story and get some power back, I feel more capable.

Anyhow, I'm aware, as much as I can be here on a forum, and I care. I'm sorry you're suffering.

 

[foreveryoung]

Hey man, its not just you. I just had an f***ing awful day as well. It freaks the heck out of me how evil some people can be. Maybe demons are real. We just got to pull ourselves toegether and get it going. Here at least we can try to work together and maybe just maybe we can get the ticket to finally leave once and for all.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@escapefromabuse, not trying to make your thread about me, but if you're curious about my covert manipulation background...

Off-and-on boyfriend who was a full-blown narcissist since at least high school. He planned to become a nurse, lucky patients. Drawn to law enforcement and sales, too. He lived for mind games.

Boss who was a full-blown narcissist.

Relative who was passive-aggressive, used covert manipulation all the time. No one would guess unless they were her target, everyone loved her, often including her targets.

Mother who was none of the above, but extremely controlling and often abusive, would override her ethics in order to override my boundaries and autonomy, used manipulation when it served her. Confusing as eff.

Uncle who was undiagnosed but clearly histrionic.

 

[escapefromabuse]

The cognitive dissonance from narcissism is a doozy. I still sometimes fight the old fights in my head. I still try to get through. Reason just doesn't get through, it's so frustrating and...impotizing! George Simon (who also displays narc behaviors) put it well: "It's not that they don't see; it's that they don't agree. It's not that they're not aware enough; it's that they don't care enough." Helpful information, but what does it change?

I completely understand. There's definitely no reasoning with a person who's completely convinced they're being reasonable. She certainly doesn't have any awareness or understanding of the damage she's done. That or she doesn't care. Does it matter when the end results are the same with the complete destruction of another person? When their emotional stability, their sense of what is good and normal in life, their financial future has been compromised and ruthlessly stomped into the dirt.

I'm scared of what more pain she can and will inflict. I'm tired. I want to find peace. I want to go home.

Relative who was passive-aggressive, used covert manipulation all the time. No one would guess unless they were her target, everyone loved her, often including her targets.

This one is mine. I totally understand and I'm sorry you've had to suffer this treatment, too. It's hell. Mine is charming and funny as hell. How could I not fall for her? But when she turned her back holy shit! The manipulations and mind games to get what she wanted were mind boggling...I didn't know which was was up.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This one is mine. I totally understand and I'm sorry you've had to suffer this treatment, too. It's hell. Mine is charming and funny as hell. How could I not fall for her? But when she turned her back holy shit! The manipulations and mind games to get what she wanted were mind boggling...I didn't know which was was up.

I hear you! Mine believed she knew what was best for others, and that ends always justified the manipulative means. If you didn't agree with her, she would wait until the perfect unsuspected moment to punish. I can see how passive-aggressive people were severely disempowered early on, and developed ways to get their needs met without revealing their vulnerability. They always get you back. I've read it is the most difficult personality type to deal with. I certainly gave up on her. No contact was safest. I lost several people I cared about to her and her need to win. It was worth it to have her no longer interfering in the rest of my relationships. I'm so sorry your ex has so much power and charm. And I'm sure she doesn't get it. So effing smart, and so stuck in the old harm that was done. Who ever first hurt her must have been a really doozy of a controller, too. I gotta say, when I lived in Guatemala, I saw a lot of that in the local community. Disempowered people gotta find their power somehow.

 

[escapefromabuse]

I hear you! Mine believed she knew what was best for others, and that ends always justified the manipulative means. If you didn't agree with her, she would wait until the perfect unsuspected moment to punish. I can see how passive-aggressive people were severely disempowered early on, and developed ways to get their needs met without revealing their vulnerability. They always get you back. I've read it is the most difficult personality type to deal with. I certainly gave up on her. No contact was safest. I lost several people I cared about to her and her need to win. It was worth it to have her no longer interfering in the rest of my relationships. I'm so sorry your ex has so much power and charm. And I'm sure she doesn't get it. So effing smart, and so stuck in the old harm that was done. Who ever first hurt her must have been a really doozy of a controller, too. I gotta say, when I lived in Guatemala, I saw a lot of that in the local community. Disempowered people gotta find their power somehow.

This is so well put and so accurate. Not only will they get you back, but at any cost. I agree it's sad that they're stuck in the past. I do know she suffered at a young age. But it allows them to deal serious damage emotionally and financially to someone who does not seeing it coming.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

to someone who does not seeing it coming.

Always. That's the M.O. I hate it. That is some PTSD-causing shit right there.

I read that the only way to get along with them is to make sure they always get a win. But shit, the only win for mine was giving up autonomy and letting her control something. I would have had to make up a bunch of things I didn't care about, act like I cared, and then pretend to let her control them so she'd leave other shit alone. How exhausting! But hey, too bad I didn't think of it when it mattered. I could have had some fun if I'd had the energy for the poker face it would have required. It's some exhausting shit to manipulate! Well, it's invigorating for some. Playing those games is an act of hate to me, not love, and could have turned me into a real abusive shit.

Damn, I'm getting a lot out of this convo! Hope you get some benefit, too. Its your thread!

 

[escapefromabuse]

I read that the only way to get along with them is to make sure they always get a win. But shit, the only win for mine was giving up autonomy and letting her control something. I would have had to make up a bunch of things I didn't care about, act like I cared, and then pretend to let her control them so she'd leave other shit alone. How exhausting! But hey, too bad I didn't think of it when it mattered. I could have had some fun if I'd had the energy for the poker face it would have required. It's some exhausting shit to manipulate! Well, it's invigorating for some. Playing those games is an act of hate to me, not love, and could have turned me into a real abusive shit.

I agree it's an act of hate. I didn't realize I was playing a game until I was so deeply intwined. I finally realized that it was all a manipulation. It was never real. There were no genuine feelings when she was telling me what I wanted to hear. She only showed up when she wanted something and then poof! Casper. And now I get to pay for playing her game. I don't work in a coldly, calculating way like that. It's a game I've lost and she continues to chase.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I agree it's an act of hate. [...] I don't work in a coldly, calculating way like that.

We may be wounded...and I'm not volunteering for martyrdom here...but I think the world is better off that we could never be politicians!