Venting I'm in a constant state of melancholy, sadness, or numbness

[C:/]

I told myself that this year I am going to make it all better and pick everything up. Have I done that yet? No. I can go around and laugh and joke around with family and friends but once I am alone I realize the deep shit I am in. I want to improve my life and my studies but at the end of the day I procrastinate and go to bed. I'm not even having fun, its just better than the ladder. When im not feeling ok, im usually just feeling a sort of emptiness. Its like this each morning as I wake up to realize the life I live and regret every choice I have made up to this point. My close ones expect me to be better after getting on SSRIs and going through CBT but after that I just feel nothing. I only am able to bear work when I am on my ADHD meds, but other than that I would rather do something, anything, else. There is a rifle I have access to with .300 blackout rounds loaded in the mag, but I don't know if I am even ready to ctb. I still need to write a note to my parents and friends and to risk and pain mitigation towards others. I know they'll hate me for it but who cares once it is all over, right?

I'm having a pretty bad crash from my ADHD meds and attempting to study for an exam tomorrow [for context im a college student] and haven't even started yet, its 1 am and ive been lurking SS for 4 hours now lul

ill update in replies if anything comes up about the exam

 

[SilentSadness]

I am also numb and sad when I'm not sleeping, there is very little to be happy about after all. It is very irritating when "close ones" expect you to improve or get better, especially when they get angry when you don't. Sadly, there is no getting better from reality. I hope your family won't end up hating you, but I guess we can't rely on others to act nicely, at the end of the day most people have a track record for mistreating others. It's also true that medication rarely does anything and does more harm than good, it never worked for me although I'm not surprised. I'm somewhat jealous of you for having a reliable exit method, but anyway I wish that you make the right decision.

 

[AshClouds]

I also fake feeling normal when I'm around others, but let go when I'm alone. Its become a routine for me.

 

[Valentino]

I dealt with this horrible melancholy for basically all my life, I had undiagnosed ADHD and life seemed meaningless to me, I couldn't even feel sad anymore and my tears felt empty. I just spent days lying in bed wishing to disappear but not wanting to end it myself. And then one day while I was on a vacation I didn't want to be on, surrounded by people and family and fresh air I ever so slightly felt the numbness fade and that immediately sent me into a sobbing frenzy, That long cry was the best feeling i've ever had in my entire life and even though I felt devastated, at least I felt something other than misery. That moment obviously didn't immediately fix me, I still felt empty and numb for a long time but I gradually managed to pull myself out of it even if I couldn't yet get my life and grades together. My life is definitely still not ideal, but it got better and it can for you too. Exams can seem like the end of the world, especially for someone with ADHD but they are just a tiny portion of a long life. If you do badly you can try and get some extra credit by explaining your situation vaguely to your teachers. Tell your trusted loved ones what's going on, they may not understand but they can learn to. Just getting it all out of your system no matter how messily can make you feel alot better. The fact you're not sure you're ready proves that there is life in you, please reconsider harming yourself and stay safe

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a tiring situation to be in, I just think the reality is that other people could never really understand as they cannot experience life the same way, any kind of therapy sounds completely useless to me personally, but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Absolutely Mad]

Well, I cannot know how you feel, maybe it is something completely different; but I was in a somewhat similar situation.

What helped me is to completely let go any desires to "make it all better". How could I make anything better in a state of crippling deppression?
Every single day was just a nightmare full of self humiliation and regret. I wanted to become better, but how could I focus? Where could I find any strength?

After all I just always ended up procrastinating, not being able to escape in my comfort zone to relax (even if a little) and not being able to achieve anything. And because of that everyone around were always shaming me for "being lazy". It was a losing game listening them to begin with.

If you can find will within yourself to stay alive, I think it is already a huge achievment and I reallly mean it. Abandoning all expectations for yourself can grant relief. I think abandoning all hope for the future might be as sweet, but it is much harder.

What's about your exam?

 

[C:/]

Well, I cannot know how you feel, maybe it is something completely different; but I was in a somewhat similar situation.

What helped me is to completely let go any desires to "make it all better". How could I make anything better in a state of crippling deppression?
Every single day was just a nightmare full of self humiliation and regret. I wanted to become better, but how could I focus? Where could I find any strength?

After all I just always ended up procrastinating, not being able to escape in my comfort zone to relax (even if a little) and not being able to achieve anything. And because of that everyone around were always shaming me for "being lazy". It was a losing game listening them to begin with.

If you can find will within yourself to stay alive, I think it is already a huge achievment and I reallly mean it. Abandoning all expectations for yourself can grant relief. I think abandoning all hope for the future might be as sweet, but it is much harder.

What's about your exam?

I relate to the "you're too lazy" all too much. I've been told it all my life, I'm known as the fuck up of the family even though I'm on track to make more than literally every family member (IT). I just recently got diagnosed ans medicated for severe ADD, but people still ignore that fact and call it an excuse

I plan to continue on in spite of others to prove them wrong. I just recently turned 18 so I still have time to turn ahit around even if it is unbearable

Edit: also, I aced the exam

 

[Absolutely Mad]

I relate to the "you're too lazy" all too much. I've been told it all my life, I'm known as the fuck up of the family even though I'm on track to make more than literally every family member (IT). I just recently got diagnosed ans medicated for severe ADD, but people still ignore that fact and call it an excuse

I plan to continue on in spite of others to prove them wrong. I just recently turned 18 so I still have time to turn ahit around even if it is unbearable

Edit: also, I aced the exam

Congratulations!

If you still have will to continue, I am happy to hear it. Just don't be too harsh to yourself.
It just so happened that I also have an access to a rifle, and this fact sometimes makes me feel better - I try not to come even near it, but at least I can always end this when I would truly want. Until then it is somewhat interesting to see, how much pain this body can handle.

I wish you good luck and sincerely hope for your success. As you said, you still have time.
And, wow, gotta mention, your reply inspired me a little to do some work today.