I'm hurting tonight and eventually suicide will be the only answer

[Sabriel]

I deleted all of my online "friends" tonight because what's the point when every person I have tried to reach out to online has either not respected my boundaries, or simply made it clear they don't want to talk to me, or even seem to truly like me. After this I am left with no one in real life who I can genuinely talk to as a friend.

I have my dog and some family members but right now I am all alone in my room drinking, thinking back on my wasted life and how awful it's been. All the attempts and losses and abuse and sheer loneliness, because I have always, always, been a loner. I say I hate everyone and am a true misanthrope. And that's true. But what's underneath all that is that I've constantly felt mistreated or disliked, and all the things that have happened that ending up being much worse than that. I have a personality no one likes, so honestly I feel like I'm fighting the whole fucking world.

All the therapy and the medications and the TMS treatments have NOT worked for me. It's unlikely I'm going to be able to be a functioning member of society this late in the game, so my prospects aren't looking good. I have a dog and that's the only reason that I am staying alive right now. But there's only so much I can bear before I begin on my exit plan. It'll be with no fanfare, no goodbyes, no voyeurs to consume the details of my death. I'll be alone. Maybe finally I can get some fucking sleep when this is all over.

 

[Mr2005]

I felt every word of that.

 

[Ghost2211]

Sending you hugs and love. I'm here if you need a friend.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that the world sucks for you and I too, can relate to your feelings of misanthropy. Outside of my family (and maybe a handful of acquaintances), no one really cares about what happens to me, they are just posing and virtue signaling for approval by others and to boost their egos.

 

[Mr2005]

It's nice you still had enough faith in someone to write this. It's a vicious circle when you're good intentions are used against you. It's easy to fall into the trap of becoming what you hate. How many of those people had the same done to them I wonder. People aren't born bad I don't think but this society has taught them being nice doesn't pay. There's a sickness at the heart of the system. My resilience to not fall into that trap is probably what will kill me if I don't do it first

 

[theguineapigking]

I'm genuinely sorry for all you've had to suffer through. I am also a misanthropist to some extent. I feel hatred for society and humanity as a whole. I hate being around people for more than a little while. It's a bunch of drama and emotional bullshit. Most people truly seem to be stupid..like 70 to 90% of the population. People are just stupid,ignorant,and fake(fake meaning pretending to be friendly or care..basically they are just fake).


I personally am very lucky to have a family that loves and cares about me. But i see past that. I see how bad society is. I have no interest whatsoever in being another mindless drone working a shitty job just to survive.(not that I could anyways since medical issues make me ill)



If you want to talk at all,I'm here. No judgement. Feel free to chat if you'd like.


I wish you the best. I hope one way or another that you find peace.

 

[Sabriel]

I guess it's nice just to know that someone else read what I wrote. But beyond that, thank you all for the understanding as well as the kind words, the kind gestures.

I don't always out and out hate people...but I don't know how to reconcile my hurt and anger with trying to maintain friendships/relationships with them. I have BPD and I feel like a contradiction, hating people and being lonely doesn't make any sense. But it's killing me, along with all the other bad circumstances that I'm in. I can't stand for it to get any worse than this...