Help I’m hurting so bad.

[Hurtslikehell]

Hi, I'll try and keep this post short, I have so many feelings and fucked up thoughts. I don't know who else to tell them too.

I feel like my whole life has been a shit show. At 3 -6 I was abused my my mums old bf. Then at 14 my biological dad raped me. People know about these things as they went to prison for it. Through these events I have PTSD chronic anxiety and depression, and most recently EUPD. But that's not even why I hurt anymore.

Last month my ex CTB, we was together 7 years and had split up 2 years ago. But remained in contact Every day and i always stayed close with his mum. I went to see his body with her, done a reading at his funeral and stayed over with his mum.

Even though I'm in a new relationship and have been for the last 2 years, I have been questioning it for the last 6 months. I miss D so badly and have so much guilt as all he wanted was me back. He went by partial suspension with a skipping rope. I thought he would always be there for me. We was best friends. He's left me and I feel so alone now more than ever.

I want to go so badly. I have never ever wanted something more.

Sorry for ranting

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I want to go so badly. I have never ever wanted something more.

Wow, that is a lot. I think my sentiment here is common that this place, SS, is a safe rant space. Somewhere to get stuff off our chests we can't talk about anywhere else. I haven't had an ex-parter CTB so can't say I know what that feels like. But I really hear you, "I have never wanted something more." I really, really do. By the way, I'm a survivor of ongoing childhood molestation. We both know that can mess you up for the rest of your life. We already had our plates full and then... Wish I could think of a cure for our pain. But you have support here.

 

[Hurtslikehell]

Wow, that is a lot. I think my sentiment here is common that this place, SS, is a safe rant space. Somewhere to get stuff off our chests we can't talk about anywhere else. I haven't had an ex-parter CTB so can't say I know what that feels like. But I really hear you, "I have never wanted something more." I really, really do. By the way, I'm a survivor of ongoing childhood molestation. We both know that can mess you up for the rest of your life. We already had our plates full and then... Wish I could think of a cure for our pain. But you have support here.

I just don't know how I can go on. His mum gave me the engagement ring her never got to give me. I have been suicidal for years but this may just be the push that takes me. Ah shit I'm sorry to hear that, we are expected to be strong and people tell us it will get better but we learn to live with it. It never gets better. Thankyou for reaching out to me. I'm coming to learn not every human being is bad. X

 

[silentsinger]

Hi, I'll try and keep this post short, I have so many feelings and fucked up thoughts. I don't know who else to tell them too.

I feel like my whole life has been a shit show. At 3 -6 I was abused my my mums old bf. Then at 14 my biological dad raped me. People know about these things as they went to prison for it. Through these events I have PTSD chronic anxiety and depression, and most recently EUPD. But that's not even why I hurt anymore.

Last month my ex CTB, we was together 7 years and had split up 2 years ago. But remained in contact Every day and i always stayed close with his mum. I went to see his body with her, done a reading at his funeral and stayed over with his mum.

Even though I'm in a new relationship and have been for the last 2 years, I have been questioning it for the last 6 months. I miss D so badly and have so much guilt as all he wanted was me back. He went by partial suspension with a skipping rope. I thought he would always be there for me. We was best friends. He's left me and I feel so alone now more than ever.

I want to go so badly. I have never ever wanted something more.

Sorry for ranting

I'm so sorry to read that, it bought tears to my eyes. I think that you sound like a lovely person and It makes me sick that you were treated that way. I feel the same, in the sense that I am desperate to die. I am so sorry.

 

[Hurtslikehell]

I'm so sorry to read that, it bought tears to my eyes. I think that you sound like a lovely person and It makes me sick that you were treated that way. I feel the same, in the sense that I am desperate to die. I am so sorry.

Ah thankyou so much, you must be a lovely person to reach out to me - so thankyou. I'm a mess I always have been and always will be so what's the point you know? I'm sorry your feeling like that too, it really isn't easy. X

 

[Memento Mori]

i may end up same as him. (lol at me) sometimes it doesnt matter if one wants to be there for you since life is too much of a burden for him. i don't know how long i can keep up, i thought about ctb when their time together reach the same amount of time we spent together. guess it will be a bit later since i try to go on now but i know that dark times are upon me, i'm sure they are even darker than before, and i hope she would understand if i leave and doesn't miss me like you miss him, but just forget about me. when i'm gone i won't care anyways. i don't know if i would like the thought that my death would fuck up their relationship, but i'm crazy anyways. i think he wants you to be happy and he understood you somehow if so "much" time went away. did you not take a break from relationships after leaving him? this happens so often, i somehow understand that but from my own point of view i can't change the thought that this looks weak to me. it kills the meaning of the whole time together if you combine it with bad words when breaking up. if you saw each other every day, tell me what did you think he feels for you? how was that ok for your new bf? i mean if your old friend only wants you back and you see each other every day, how would that work out...you don't need time for your life without him? my situation is somehow different. or maybe i just got aborted and can't appreciate that she at least doesnt hate me for everything i made wrong. i should leave the site for some time, am only writing depressing shit last days instead of doing something against it...but it fuckin steals all my energy and leaves me wrung out. every damn day

 

[silentsinger]

I know how you feel. I lost every friend I ever had due to my physical health. I had a horrible upbringing that has influenced the way I interact with people. Don't ever feel like you cant talk to people here. There are a few people who private messaged me the last couple days on here and they have made me feel like I can go out of this world having meant something. I promise you're not alone if u need to talk.

 

[elizabeth.luck]

We are here for you! Never apologize for sharing what's on your mind here.

 

[JohnUK]

So sorry for the pain and anguish you have had in your life. No worries about ranting here. We are all mainly supportive of one another.

 

[Olach]

Hi, I'll try and keep this post short, I have so many feelings and fucked up thoughts. I don't know who else to tell them too.

I feel like my whole life has been a shit show. At 3 -6 I was abused my my mums old bf. Then at 14 my biological dad raped me. People know about these things as they went to prison for it. Through these events I have PTSD chronic anxiety and depression, and most recently EUPD. But that's not even why I hurt anymore.

Last month my ex CTB, we was together 7 years and had split up 2 years ago. But remained in contact Every day and i always stayed close with his mum. I went to see his body with her, done a reading at his funeral and stayed over with his mum.

Even though I'm in a new relationship and have been for the last 2 years, I have been questioning it for the last 6 months. I miss D so badly and have so much guilt as all he wanted was me back. He went by partial suspension with a skipping rope. I thought he would always be there for me. We was best friends. He's left me and I feel so alone now more than ever.

I want to go so badly. I have never ever wanted something more.

Sorry for ranting

I have never been so in pain like you. But only thing i can tell you is that you are in suicidal trance. You should read the book "Waking up, alive" of Ricard A Hackler. He shows stories like your's and describes how people tend to suicide because of their psychological wounds.
Please read it entirely, at the end author wrote about recovery after suicidal attempt. Almost everyone had understood that life can be lived even with such traumas as your is.

Best wishes for you

 

[Hurtslikehell]

i may end up same as him. (lol at me) sometimes it doesnt matter if one wants to be there for you since life is too much of a burden for him. i don't know how long i can keep up, i thought about ctb when their time together reach the same amount of time we spent together. guess it will be a bit later since i try to go on now but i know that dark times are upon me, i'm sure they are even darker than before, and i hope she would understand if i leave and doesn't miss me like you miss him, but just forget about me. when i'm gone i won't care anyways. i don't know if i would like the thought that my death would fuck up their relationship, but i'm crazy anyways. i think he wants you to be happy and he understood you somehow if so "much" time went away. did you not take a break from relationships after leaving him? this happens so often, i somehow understand that but from my own point of view i can't change the thought that this looks weak to me. it kills the meaning of the whole time together if you combine it with bad words when breaking up. if you saw each other every day, tell me what did you think he feels for you? how was that ok for your new bf? i mean if your old friend only wants you back and you see each other every day, how would that work out...you don't need time for your life without him? my situation is somehow different. or maybe i just got aborted and can't appreciate that she at least doesnt hate me for everything i made wrong. i should leave the site for some time, am only writing depressing shit last days instead of doing something against it...but it fuckin steals all my energy and leaves me wrung out. every damn day.

We didn't see each other every day we spoke on the phone every day. My new partner wasn't bothered. I knew my current bf before we split yes so not much time in between. X

I have never been so in pain like you. But only thing i can tell you is that you are in suicidal trance. You should read the book "Waking up, alive" of Ricard A Hackler. He shows stories like your's and describes how people tend to suicide because of their psychological wounds.
Please read it entirely, at the end author wrote about recovery after suicidal attempt. Almost everyone had understood that life can be lived even with such traumas as your is.

Best wishes for you

I will definitely look into that book, thankyou so much xx

So sorry for the pain and anguish you have had in your life. No worries about ranting here. We are all mainly supportive of one another.

It's nice to be listened to! Xx

 

[dandan]

im so sorry , I wish I could help and just flip a switch and change things for us...
wish you some comfort grievance and such, rant away, thanks for sharing

 

[silentsinger]

Ah thankyou so much, you must be a lovely person to reach out to me - so thankyou. I'm a mess I always have been and always will be so what's the point you know? I'm sorry your feeling like that too, it really isn't easy. X

I know I can't help in terms of your exact situation but I was abused in a different way. I really do sympathise with how much of an effect it takes.

I haven't been on here that long but there are a couple of people on this site who have really reached out to me and made a big difference. Really glad you posted because I always feel like the frirst step, when you first open up, is the most difficult step to take.