helicoptero
Estoy cansado jefe...
- Jun 6, 2023
- 68
Hello, first of all, I'm sorry for my bad English, since it's not my first language.
I've had suicidal thoughts for more than ten years now. They always come and go, or I end up in psych ward (6 times so far). But this last time feels different, let me explain.
I've been in therapy for years. I've tried everything, the majority of medications available on the market, psychologists, even electroconvulsive therapy (which, in my experience, DO NOT recommend at all, do your own research if you're interested in it. Apparently it works for some people, tho)
I always tried so hard to get better. I always talked in group therapy trying to help others. I followed almost all of the recommendations specialists gave me, and I was always called a "very willing to get better" kind of person. I always was. But then of so many failed tries, therapy, medication... I got tired.
I don't have the energy, the will, nor I feel like getting better. I already lost all my hope for healing. I feel extremely neutral, like almost nothing cares anymore. And I also feel like an old granny in her final days, I do feel that these are my lasts days alive.
I have things planned. I know where and how, but not when. Yesterday I spent all night writing goodbye letters to the people I care the most, couldn't help but cry, I will miss them so much, but I feel that it's my time to go.
I know it may sound ridiculous, but it makes me really sad not being able to play my favorite videogame anymore. It's the only thing that makes me feel joy, and it's still under development, so I won't see the end of the story or the rest of the cool upgrades it will have.
I can't help but feel bad for my parents. Even though they contributed, in a negative way, to my actual mental state, that was many years ago. Since I got sick, they were always supportive and very willing to help me heal. They have been stressed, tired, worried, and spent a lot of money on my treatments. I feel bad for not being able to retribute all that to them, even though they said it's not necessary and they do it by heart, I can't help but feel sad for it.
I had in mind CTB the first days of July, so I had time to play a little more, organize things, and get ready in general. But I'm feeling very pressured, indirectly, by everybody (therapists, family) to end it all ASAP. I know they don't do it intentionally, but I'm extremely pressured. The thing is I don't want to mess up, so I prefer not to hurry and do things the proper way, taking my time.
Maybe it will happen before July. I don't know yet, but I'll tell you when it happens so my account can be properly deleted.
I've had suicidal thoughts for more than ten years now. They always come and go, or I end up in psych ward (6 times so far). But this last time feels different, let me explain.
I've been in therapy for years. I've tried everything, the majority of medications available on the market, psychologists, even electroconvulsive therapy (which, in my experience, DO NOT recommend at all, do your own research if you're interested in it. Apparently it works for some people, tho)
I always tried so hard to get better. I always talked in group therapy trying to help others. I followed almost all of the recommendations specialists gave me, and I was always called a "very willing to get better" kind of person. I always was. But then of so many failed tries, therapy, medication... I got tired.
I don't have the energy, the will, nor I feel like getting better. I already lost all my hope for healing. I feel extremely neutral, like almost nothing cares anymore. And I also feel like an old granny in her final days, I do feel that these are my lasts days alive.
I have things planned. I know where and how, but not when. Yesterday I spent all night writing goodbye letters to the people I care the most, couldn't help but cry, I will miss them so much, but I feel that it's my time to go.
I know it may sound ridiculous, but it makes me really sad not being able to play my favorite videogame anymore. It's the only thing that makes me feel joy, and it's still under development, so I won't see the end of the story or the rest of the cool upgrades it will have.
I can't help but feel bad for my parents. Even though they contributed, in a negative way, to my actual mental state, that was many years ago. Since I got sick, they were always supportive and very willing to help me heal. They have been stressed, tired, worried, and spent a lot of money on my treatments. I feel bad for not being able to retribute all that to them, even though they said it's not necessary and they do it by heart, I can't help but feel sad for it.
I had in mind CTB the first days of July, so I had time to play a little more, organize things, and get ready in general. But I'm feeling very pressured, indirectly, by everybody (therapists, family) to end it all ASAP. I know they don't do it intentionally, but I'm extremely pressured. The thing is I don't want to mess up, so I prefer not to hurry and do things the proper way, taking my time.
Maybe it will happen before July. I don't know yet, but I'll tell you when it happens so my account can be properly deleted.
