I was doing okay for a few days. I thought maybe I was starting to regain footing.
I was wrong.
I wish I could make money. I wish I had a thing I was good at. I have so much training and education but my self-concept is unstable and ever shifting so I was never able to focus hard on one career path and make it make sense for me. I never had people skills and nobody around me did either, so they never told me that I needed people skills to get a job. I thought being smart and having the right degree and experience would get me a job. Well, not in a market where employers hold all the cards.
I am going to have to live the rest of my life dependent on a man. I want to die. I didn't want this. I can't get a job anywhere. I'm not qualified to work full time in anything. I've looked. I've tried so many different things. But the act of trying so many different things to see where I fit in best actually fucked me. My resume is a hot mess now. I'm turning 40 this year and I still haven't found my thing. I still can't make money. I get ideas sometimes, and they start inflating like this big beautiful bubble. And then one thing happens and it bursts and I start to wonder if the idea was even based in reality at all. if it's even anything at all. There's never anything novel in it. All the good things about my ideas are already done, and all the things about my ideas that are new are insignificant or irrelevant. Welcome to mediocrity.
Maybe it's time to just start planning again, I don't know. I don't want this outcome. I want to live and make money and be a member of society. I want to belong. But I don't and I am pretty sure I'll never get there.
My family thinks I'm a failure. All my friends have PhDs and are well into their careers, making high salaries and clipping along handling all their responsibilities. I start crying at the slightest bump in the road. I know exactly why I failed at life. It's nobody's fault but my own. I made all the wrong choices. I want to die now. Can I die now? Can I stop trying to be someone? I'm nobody. My life doesn't matter.
I was wrong.
I wish I could make money. I wish I had a thing I was good at. I have so much training and education but my self-concept is unstable and ever shifting so I was never able to focus hard on one career path and make it make sense for me. I never had people skills and nobody around me did either, so they never told me that I needed people skills to get a job. I thought being smart and having the right degree and experience would get me a job. Well, not in a market where employers hold all the cards.
I am going to have to live the rest of my life dependent on a man. I want to die. I didn't want this. I can't get a job anywhere. I'm not qualified to work full time in anything. I've looked. I've tried so many different things. But the act of trying so many different things to see where I fit in best actually fucked me. My resume is a hot mess now. I'm turning 40 this year and I still haven't found my thing. I still can't make money. I get ideas sometimes, and they start inflating like this big beautiful bubble. And then one thing happens and it bursts and I start to wonder if the idea was even based in reality at all. if it's even anything at all. There's never anything novel in it. All the good things about my ideas are already done, and all the things about my ideas that are new are insignificant or irrelevant. Welcome to mediocrity.
Maybe it's time to just start planning again, I don't know. I don't want this outcome. I want to live and make money and be a member of society. I want to belong. But I don't and I am pretty sure I'll never get there.
My family thinks I'm a failure. All my friends have PhDs and are well into their careers, making high salaries and clipping along handling all their responsibilities. I start crying at the slightest bump in the road. I know exactly why I failed at life. It's nobody's fault but my own. I made all the wrong choices. I want to die now. Can I die now? Can I stop trying to be someone? I'm nobody. My life doesn't matter.
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