I'm hating myself right now

[Sweet emotion]

Hey everyone. You're the only people I can talk to about this. I've been in constant pain for 14 years with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. It's he highest ranking pain condition in medical history. Please forgive me for saying this all the time but I need to make new people aware if they don't know what it is for them to understand why I'm so upset. For the last 3 years I've had to deal with the most evil upstairs neighbors I've ever met in my life. They're 24 years old with two kids that they just let run wild. They know my situation. Even their parents know my situation. Over a year ago the kids were jumping off the beds onto the floor and they wouldn't stop then so I asked them to please stop because it's so noisy down below them. And it makes my pain worse. She slammed the door in my face and called the police on me. She has taken me to court for harrassment when all I'm trying to do is talk calmly with her and her boyfriend and explain to them what my situation is like. Ever since she got pregnant with her second little rat her loud mouth father comes over with his wife and I watched him yesterday slam the main door twice on purpose. I finally lost it that night. My mother who cares for me tried to talk to him and he slammed the car door in her face so she said something really nasty to them. The wife got out and said your daughters condition isn't as bad as you say it is because I read about it. Who the hell is she to say this about me? This is why I'm going to kill myself. Because of how much pain I'm in so yeah it's bad.. and they are so stupid that they say, I know what you're going through. I have ringing in my ear too. I screamed at them. I said it's not ringing! It's severe pain that I want to die over and I don't know what I have done to you to make you want to cause me anymore pain! The father said that isn't his intention at all. And I told the mother what you read on the internet is crap conowred to what people actually go through because there isn't enough research on it to give a good enough description. But if it's described on the internet as the suicide disease you think these ignorant people would understand. The cops came. They were attacking my mother so I just screamed at them every thought I've ever had about them. Now the daughter is recording this on her phone. So I'm prepared to be issued another summons for harrassment. The first time she took my mom to court the judge said she was insane. All we did was write her a letter and ask her to be more consider that there are people living undernesth them. The judge said she was insane.

My landlord is a multi millionaire with the cheapest wig on his head that I've ever seen. He won't do anything about it because as long as he gets his money he's happy. He said that we should move if we want things to change. But why should we move when we aren't the ones causing the problem? I finally lost it last night. The police came and he was such a nice officer. He'd been at my house before for noise complaints on them. He spent quite a while upstairs with them. But he never came down after that to tell us what happened. He was very understanding of my situation. Lots of cops can be real assholes on power trips.

These people have the power over my quality of peace in my apartment. I've been looking for other apartments but the rent is too high and no one wants cats. Like they're so damn messy. But all that screaming that was done last night has out me in so much pain and has caused me to use some of the pills that I have been saving to off myself with. I have tons but I don't want to waste any. But after three years of this bullshit I finally snapped. But I have this sort of self hatred thing going with myself because I hate this disease that I have so much that has destroyed my life. I don't see me as me anymore. I see me as the disease itself. My mom said she didn't want me sticking up for her because she didn't want me to be in this pain so I feel like I've done something incredibly wrong. I know this is awful to say but I hate this bitch and her boyfriend so much that when I found out she was pregnant I prayed she and the baby died in childbirth. That is how much pain they and their extended family has put me through. I pray every day when they leave as a family that the get in a fatal car accident or get injured so bad that they are paralyzed from the neck down and get my disease on top of that to see what it's like to suffer. To see what the pain feels like that they put me through. And I don't regret thinking that way. They've hurt me so much.

Should I be this hard on myself for snapping last night? The girls mother was watching the kids and said she refused to make them stop running. She refused to speak kindly to me. She told me she read about my condition and even went on my Facebook page! Really?!?!? The daughter laughed when she was told people kill themselves because of this. I want to hurt her so badly but I can't be put in jail and not have my medication. After a lot of shouting last night her mother was mature enough to speak with me and have an adult conversation. I told her what was going on and the truth about everything and that she can't trust what she reads on the computer. She doesn't understand I'm in pain from morning until I manage to fall asleep. She thinks that maybe a car horn will hurt me. It's so far beyond that it's unbelievable. Then her husband came over and started to listen to me. Like a dumb bastard he said....I k ow how you feel. I have ringing in my ear too. I just looked at him. I said sir this is beyond ringing. It's pain that is so bad you want to die and I don't know why you are trying to make it worse. He said he wasn't. Not at all. But obviously they don't care enough about it to stop what they're doing.

An I a bad person because I flipped out last night and stuck up for my mother even though she didn't want me to? I'm in ten times as much pain and I can't kill myself to ight because I've eaten already and I have to plan my death two days ahead of time so I can get all food out of my system and take anti nausea meds. The cop asked me if I was suicidal. Of course I told him no. I've learned to become a good list over the years, telling people I'm ok when I'm not. I don't want to kill myself and give these people the satisfaction of knowing I did it because they hurt me. This also made my tinnitus so much worse. I've had a two month bought with it that would drive a sane person crazy and it was calming down until after I freaked out last night. That makes me feel like a bad person. I can understand if people think I'm wicked for wishing such horrible things upon these people and their children but if they put you in the pain they out me in maybe you would understand. It's not even that I want anything bad to happen to these kids. But I want the parents to see what it feels like to have a kid in pain. I want these two pieces of shit to hurt even worse than they have made me emotionally and physically hurt.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I think I would snap too if given this situation. I am also suffering from chronic pain that does not allow me to just LIVE. And people will also look it up and tell me many have lived through it and tough it out. It is different for everyone. You deserve to speak everything on your mind after they have caused you such turmoil. You deserve better!!!! Grrrrr let me come there to make them disappear for you!!!!!!

 

[blackflag1]

Living in apartments never really give one joy in life. You can never be you in such an arrangement. It is sad, but economics force many into this unnatural arrangement. I would have CTBd a long time ago if it was the only option I had. I put in alot of work into avoiding this situation. Unfortunately I am also first hand witness of the nastiness this world can hand down on people. I really wish the situation economically was better, but the shortness of fields available to those wanting to beat the odds really exposes one to a lot of the ugly and unpleasant.

 

[Quitter]

Reading this made my blood boil, jesus. I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not a bad person, just human and suffering more than most people could even imagine. I just woke up so my mind is jumbled so I have zero advice, sorry.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Reading this made my blood boil, jesus. I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not a bad person, just human and suffering more than most people could even imagine. I just woke up so my mind is jumbled so I have zero advice, sorry.

Sometimes just saying you are supporting of them can make all the difference.. x

 

[blackflag1]

That is true. At times, it is the best we can do. I feel bad for everyone experiencing misery in their lives. It can indeed be a struggle to get around, even with a good support structure.

 

[Quitter]

Sometimes just saying you are supporting of them can make all the difference.. x

Thank you for saying so. Honestly their situation hit a nerve because I used to suffer from weekly multi-day migraines. I'm talking about puking everything I ate or drank, hurting so much I couldn't move or have any lights on, otc painkillers didn't touch it type deal. Most people hear migraine and think about a little headache you pop ibuprofen and thrn you're fine.

Sorry for the rant, I really didn't mean to make this about myself or anything, but I understand the somewhat perverse wish to have people suffer from what I was going through, just to get a bit of understanding.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Living in apartments never really give one joy in life. You can never be you in such an arrangement. It is sad, but economics force many into this unnatural arrangement. I would have CTBd a long time ago if it was the only option I had. I put in alot of work into avoiding this situation. Unfortunately I am also first hand witness of the nastiness this world can hand down on people. I really wish the situation economically was better, but the shortness of fields available to those wanting to beat the odds really exposes one to a lot of the ugly and unpleasant.

I got sick at 20 so I was never able to have a career and save a lot of money. My father died because he was a drunk who didn't care about me and my mother enough to secure a decent job. My mom had a great job but was laid off and she would have had to wait either way to care for me. But if my father was still here we would at least be able to have stayed in the apartment we were in which was big and beautiful. I hope I run into my father when I die because I'm going to kick his ass.

Reading this made my blood boil, jesus. I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not a bad person, just human and suffering more than most people could even imagine. I just woke up so my mind is jumbled so I have zero advice, sorry.

It's ok. Just that you responded was enough. Thank you so much.

 

[blackflag1]

I got sick at 20 so I was never able to have a career and save a lot of money. My father died because he was a drunk who didn't care about me and my mother enough to secure a decent job. My mom had a great job but was laid off and she would have had to wait either way to care for me. But if my father was still here we would at least be able to have stayed in the apartment we were in which was big and beautiful. I hope I run into my father when I die because I'm going to kick his ass.

It's ok. Just that you responded was enough. Thank you so much.

That is the spirit to look at it as. Try to beat him by getting further in life if you are able. Try to do the best you are capable of.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I think I would snap too if given this situation. I am also suffering from chronic pain that does not allow me to just LIVE. And people will also look it up and tell me many have lived through it and tough it out. It is different for everyone. You deserve to speak everything on your mind after they have caused you such turmoil. You deserve better!!!! Grrrrr let me come there to make them disappear for you!!!!!!

Thank you so much for responding to me. You have no idea how much it means. I've come to care for so many of you on this page like I know you personally. You're like a family who never judges and who is never unkind. I'm so sorry you're in chronic pain as well. No one but those who suffer chronic pain of a certain level can understand. It destroys you inside. I feel like a freak of nature. Like a cruel joke. If you ever want to talk about your pain you PM me ok? I'll always listen.

 

[blackflag1]

We are here to give you the support you need regardless of what you feel is best. Only you can make that call for yourself.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Living in apartments never really give one joy in life. You can never be you in such an arrangement. It is sad, but economics force many into this unnatural arrangement. I would have CTBd a long time ago if it was the only option I had. I put in alot of work into avoiding this situation. Unfortunately I am also first hand witness of the nastiness this world can hand down on people. I really wish the situation economically was better, but the shortness of fields available to those wanting to beat the odds really exposes one to a lot of the ugly and unpleasant.

Yes I have lived my whole life in apartments and have hated it. Except when I was little and didn't know better. I always wanted a house of my own where I was able to call the shots and control the peace in my life. If my landlord would just do the right thing and stop renting out his apartments to just anyone and everyone this could be solved. He talked a bug game about not renewing their lease but went back on his word. He never called us back when we need him. I hate this man and his rich wife too. He married into money. And now runs the world like it's his. He said once well there is a rug upstairs so that should absorb some noise. I wanted to say are you kidding me? The rug upstairs is as cheap and this as the one on your head! Just tell these bastards upstairs if there are anymore complaints you're out! But he says it's a he said she said situation and no one can prove anything. Why would I possibly be doing this? I have enough shit to deal with.

We are here to give you the support you need regardless of what you feel is best. Only you can make that call for yourself.

No I don't mean killing myself. I am definitely going to do that. I just wanted to know if you guys thought I was a bad person because I out myself in pain from yelling.
I just don't understand how people can be so cruel to cause someone who is already suffering and wanting to die more pain. How could anyone be that inhumane?

 

[blackflag1]

The truth is that many landlords do not give two squirts about their tenants. They are only interested in ensuring no vacancies and maximum profits. That is the true hard reality and you will find that many (not all) land Lords are absolute scum of the earth that only care about money, not people. You have to find your vehicle or talent to get out of the situation and away from them.

Yes I have lived my whole life in apartments and have hated it. Except when I was little and didn't know better. I always wanted a house of my own where I was able to call the shots and control the peace in my life. If my landlord would just do the right thing and stop renting out his apartments to just anyone and everyone this could be solved. He talked a bug game about not renewing their lease but went back on his word. He never called us back when we need him. I hate this man and his rich wife too. He married into money. And now runs the world like it's his. He said once well there is a rug upstairs so that should absorb some noise. I wanted to say are you kidding me? The rug upstairs is as cheap and this as the one on your head! Just tell these bastards upstairs if there are anymore complaints you're out! But he says it's a he said she said situation and no one can prove anything. Why would I possibly be doing this? I have enough shit to deal with.

No I don't mean killing myself. I am definitely going to do that. I just wanted to know if you guys thought I was a bad person because I out myself in pain from yelling.
I just don't understand how people can be so cruel to cause someone who is already suffering and wanting to die more pain. How could anyone be that inhumane?

It does not make you a bad person. I understand your pain.

 

[LastFlowers]

Well unfortunately CRPS type 1 is known to be faked by many people as it's easy to feign and there are no surefire tests for it. I actually know of someone who milks it for all it's worth on Facebook.
People use it as an excuse when ever they do anything wrong, they decide when they are in "pain" and when they are "not". And it becomes this really convenient way of gaining sympathy, getting attention, and getting away with things that your average Joe or Jane would never.
They may not believe you due to this phenomenon, perhaps they have dealt with someone like this, or that's what they read about. Which is regretfully true if they did read that, people Do fake this syndrome quite often and some doctors believe it gets to the point where it becomes psychosomatic and the person begins to think there really is something wrong and there really is pain, when there is not.
I wouldn't deny that fact to them, I would just tell them that people like that give genuine sufferers of chronic pain a bad name. And ask them not to paint you with that broad of a brush.
They probably think you are using your condition as an excuse to scream at them. When really, if they are being bad neighbors and make too much noise, you don't need any excuse besides the fact that they are disturbing the peace.

I'm not saying this to upset you but to let you know why they act the way they do. They probably have issues of their own and may see the way you present yours as suspicious.
Tbh I don't know of any studies that have proved it as the highest ranking pain condition in medical history.
I'm not even sure that is provable. People will say that about anything they have. Whether there is truth to it or not, I would suggest not continually repeating it. For your own good, it may send the message to your neighbors that your pain outranks theirs and everyone else's. And that their lives should revolve around tiptoeing beside you.
You don't have to have the label of the "worst thing ever" to deserve common human decency, respect, and sympathy.
You know you are suffering and your mother knows, but sometimes the only way for others to accept it is to water it down, not play it up.
It sucks but that's the way this awful world works.
There are other people out there giving your cause a bad name. People who fake diseases and illness take away from the true sufferers. Your issue lies with them, I think. Your neighbors likely don't know how to differentiate between you and them.

Obviously many of us here are suffering to the degree of ctb, some people have issues that they must learn to navigate without sympathy. Which is disturbing.
Even if it's killing them and destroying their very essence as a human being.
Some issues are more societally sympathetic than others even when the ones cast to the side deserve just as much understanding.
Although "invisible" (which can prove to be problematic), chronic pain is a more sympathetic issue as are things like terminal illnesses and anything that requires constant medical assistance, everyone understands physical pain to some extent whereas not everyone may understand all the other various circumstances that may lead someone to want to end their suffering. So something like CRPS is a hot commodity for others to label themselves with. So hot that it's begun to turn on its head and now what was once sympathetic is unsympathetic, because people who are not truly suffering jumped into your pool so to speak. I'm not really sure how to get around this entirely , I'm sorry.


As for wishing suffering and pain on others. It is only natural when you are not being heard and your pain is not being acknowledged. It is common in this unjust and unfair world.
As long as you don't act on those thoughts or fantasies, I wouldn't worry about it. At this point a lot has gone down between you guys, meaning your neighbors might think the same unsavory things about you, so don't feel too bad. Sometimes you just need to let the anger manifest, letting it out in wishes and thoughts is healthier than literally attacking them.
But then again, I don't believe in the affect of prayer as I am not religious.

At the end of the day, kids will be kids and jump off of beds and people will be people and make noise, if it affects you to that degree, I would think moving to a home, even if small, would be much better for you than living in any kind of apartment complex. There should be places available-at least eventually- that are no more expensive than where you live now, if money is an issue.
I may not have CRPS but I do know what it's like to have to hide away because the world is a hostile environment to my issue.
You may have to do the same, at least get yourself to an environment where you are in more control of your triggers, if at all possible. If you can't even be comfortable (as much as you can be) in your own home, that is a recipe for disaster.
With a condition like yours, I don't think you will ever find any peace with these neighbors hovering so closely around you, you need living quarters where you can have space and quiet.
And if you are going to CTB regardless, I would think you deserve to be in a place free of your neighbors who obviously cause you distress, you don't need that in your last hours.
Maybe instead of praying for harm to come to them, you can pray that they move away.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Well unfortunately CRPS type 1 is known to be faked by many people as it's easy to feign and there are no surefire tests for it. I actually know of someone who milks it for all it's worth on Facebook.
People use it as an excuse when ever they do anything wrong, they decide when they are in "pain" and when they are "not". And it becomes this really convenient way of gaining sympathy, getting attention, and getting away with things that your average Joe or Jane would never.
They may not believe you due to this phenomenon, perhaps they have dealt with someone like this, or that's what they read about. Which is regretfully true if they did read that, people Do fake this syndrome quite often and some doctors believe it gets to the point where it becomes psychosomatic and the person begins to think there really is something wrong and there really is pain, when there is not.
I wouldn't deny that fact to them, I would just tell them that people like that give genuine sufferers of chronic pain a bad name. And ask them not to paint you with that broad of a brush.
They probably think you are using your condition as an excuse to scream at them. When really, if they are being bad neighbors and make too much noise, you don't need any excuse besides the fact that they are disturbing the peace.

I'm not saying this to upset you but to let you know why they act the way they do. They probably have issues of their own and may see the way you present yours as suspicious.
Tbh I don't know of any studies that have proved it as the highest ranking pain condition in medical history.
I'm not even sure that is provable. People will say that about anything they have. Whether there is truth to it or not, I would suggest not continually repeating it. For your own good, it may send the message to your neighbors that your pain outranks theirs and everyone else's. And that their lives should revolve around tiptoeing beside you.
You don't have to have the label of the "worst thing ever" to deserve common human decency, respect, and sympathy.
You know you are suffering and your mother knows, but sometimes the only way for others to accept it is to water it down, not play it up.
It sucks but that's the way this awful world works.
There are other people out there giving your cause a bad name. People who fake diseases and illness take away from the true sufferers. Your issue lies with them, I think. Your neighbors likely don't know how to differentiate between you and them.

Obviously many of us here are suffering to the degree of ctb, some people have issues that they must learn to navigate without sympathy. Which is disturbing.
Even if it's killing them and destroying their very essence as a human being.
Some issues are more societally sympathetic than others even when the ones cast to the side deserve just as much understanding.
Although "invisible" (which can prove to be problematic), chronic pain is a more sympathetic issue as are things like terminal illnesses and anything that requires constant medical assistance, everyone understands physical pain to some extent whereas not everyone may understand all the other various circumstances that may lead someone to want to end their suffering. So something like CRPS is a hot commodity for others to label themselves with. So hot that it's begun to turn on its head and now what was once sympathetic is unsympathetic, because people who are not truly suffering jumped into your pool so to speak. I'm not really sure how to get around this entirely , I'm sorry.


As for wishing suffering and pain on others. It is only natural when you are not being heard and your pain is not being acknowledged. It is common in this unjust and unfair world.
As long as you don't act on those thoughts or fantasies, I wouldn't worry about it. At this point a lot has gone down between you guys, meaning your neighbors might think the same unsavory things about you, so don't feel too bad. Sometimes you just need to let the anger manifest, letting it out in wishes and thoughts is healthier than literally attacking them.
But then again, I don't believe in the affect of prayer as I am not religious.

At the end of the day, kids will be kids and jump off of beds and people will be people and make noise, if it affects you to that degree, I would think moving to a home, even if small, would be much better for you than living in any kind of apartment complex. There should be places available-at least eventually- that are no more expensive than where you live now, if money is an issue.
I may not have CRPS but I do know what it's like to have to hide away because the world is a hostile environment to my issue.
You may have to do the same, at least get yourself to an environment where you are in more control of your triggers, if at all possible. If you can't even be comfortable (as much as you can be) in your own home, that is a recipe for disaster.
With a condition like yours, I don't think you will ever find any peace with these neighbors hovering so closely around you, you need living quarters where you can have space and quiet.
And if you are going to CTB regardless, I would think you deserve to be in a place free of your neighbors who obviously cause you distress, you don't need that in your last hours.
Maybe instead of praying for harm to come to them, you can pray that they move away.

Sweetie I don't have money to buy a house. Why do you think I'm living where I'm living? I'm unable to work. And you're making a ton of assumptions here. They never even heard of crps until they met me.it goes by the highest ranking pain condition because people kill themselves due to it more than any other and medication doesn't treat it. And people get their limbs removed to try and get out of pain? Do you know of any other disease where people would do that? I suggest getting your facts together before talking to someone who actually has it. And yes, you can stop your child from jumping. It's just up to you as the parent if you want to be ignorant and let them keep doing it knowing there are people below you. It's all about consideration which is a thing that this new generation is lacking in. Maybe you live in the boonies but I live in a city and my situation just isn't as easy as yours is. If you have the money to buy me a house I'll gladly accept it. I'm just floored by all you've told me about MY life that isn't true. Do you actually think that I haven't considered moving? Do you think I needed you to suggest that to me like I had a lobotony? Would you like me to tell you how much I get from disability? Do you think someone can buy a house on disability? You have a very bad way of talking down to people as if they were incredibly stupid. I don't know if anyone has ever told you that but it needs to be said. And if you're here to help people who are suicidal I suggest you get that in check before you make someone's problem worse. You have no idea as to what I go through every day so that just puts you in the ranks with he others who read about this on the internet and think they know. Please don't respond to me anymore.

My neighbors aren't in physical pain so of course my pain outranks theirs. Do you know these people?