Im gonna explode

[annxietty]

At 17 I started to live with my maternal grandparents and my mom, but my mom was working all day so I had to take care of my grandparents, I was left with no friends, no life, nothing, even taking a shower was hard because I had no time, my grandmother had dementia and my grandfather had cancer and couldnt move very well, there I attempted to take my life taking a bunch of pills but it didnt do shit lol I fell asleep almost instantly maybe I fell unconscious, I even wrote a suicide letter beforehand, when I woke up the next day I felt so ridiculous... I moved out with my dad, it was my first time leaving my mom and I was leaving her in hell, all I could think about was killing myself, for years I was feeling a despair I didnt believe it could exist... Many things happened and 3 years ago I started living with my paternal grandparents and my dad, it sounds like a joke but its true... My maternal grandparents died, they were very important to me and even with my life being so hard with them not even once I wanted them to die, after moving with my dad I lost a lot of contact with them, I couldnt say goodbye, specially my grandfather, he was so important to me... Now, living with my paternal grandparents is hell, I dont want to talk about the details because Im ashamed of how badly I talk about my own grandparents, I never liked them much and now living with them I just discovered that I dislike them quite a lot, specially my grandfather, he is the most horrible person Ive ever met, Im not studying or working because even exiting my house Is hell to me, so to him (my grandfather) Im a burden (which I am ngl) so if he sees me drinking water from a bottle he would talk about the money it costs, if he sees me eating something he would talk about how they are paying for everything, many times he would enter my room at night to yell at me saying he wanted me out of his house... I despise him... My grandmother is not easy neither but she means well, or thats what I like to think...
I live in his house but I dont talk with my grandfather, I even try to not call him "grandfather", my dad knows this but he doesnt fucking care, he just doesnt care about anything I have to endure, tells me to forget my past and look at the present and future... fuck him honestly, fuck everyone here... Im tired of asking for help, since I was 14-15 Ive been crying for help and my parents only cared about themselves... I want to explode and destroy everything around me...