I'm giving it one more shot

[ohhgeeitsme]

I came very close to suicide again just days ago. Then I decided, before I call it quits, there is still one more thing I can do.

I can try the vanlife. I've been interested in it for years. My last job, I worked with a lot of those people during the seasonal months and have had two friends do it and everyone falls in love with the lifestyle. I just know having to live this "normal" life and working all week for no reward and being too exhausted to ever do anything on my off days anyway, coming back to some crap apartment with no backyard when I move back out on my own, same damn thing every boring day is always going to be miserable for me. I sometimes wonder if this expected lifestyle is really the cause of my mental problems. Maybe I'm always anxious because my brain is always trying to tell me something is wrong. This is not me. I'm not wired for this. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when I get out on the road, I'll be just as disillusioned with it as I am with literally everything in adult life. But hell, it's worth a shot and at least for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to something. I think that's really what I've been missing. I need something to look forward to, even if later on all that is just changing the sights and people in front of me every so often.

There's no rent, don't have to work as many hours and have more time to actually do stuff, travel the continent, meet new people, actually have new experiences. I think it may be just what I need. I'm going to find some work here in the meantime to save up a little more money but then I'm on the road. I'm currently in the South of the US and the plan is to start out with a trip out West, before settling in the Northwest for a few months and find some work. Then leave, take a small trip before landing somewhere else and do the same thing.

I'm not made of money so my living situation is going to be super basic, not at all glamorous, and that doesn't bother me in the slightest. I'm low maintenance anyway.

Anyway, we'll see if this works.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Sounds interesting
I hope it works for you

 

[saltshaker]

Sounds fun, good luck OP.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Thanks guys. We'll see how it goes. Still have a few more months probably before I can actually get out on the road.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

You don't get to choose the van life, the van life chooses you.

 

[summers]

@ohhgeeitsme I have an older cargo van. It's great for moving things, but living would be super tough. The problem is you can't stand up in it. That would have a huge impact on your quality of life - to always have to be hunched over when you're inside would be maddening.

If you plan on living in the van, I would strongly recommend you get one with at least a 6ft roof. This may limit access to some places with low clearance, like parking decks, possibly some country roads, etc. But the quality of life improvement would be tremendous. Another option would be a small box truck. It's very easy to make a pass through from the cab to the box. Finally, this is a preference thing, but I would go for a cargo van with no windows. It's just much more private and secure. One last thing, parking and loading is much easier with a sliding side door than the barn door setup.

In retrospect, I wish I had gone with the box truck myself.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

@ohhgeeitsme I have an older cargo van. It's great for moving things, but living would be super tough. The problem is you can't stand up in it. That would have a huge impact on your quality of life - to always have to be hunched over when you're inside would be maddening.

If you plan on living in the van, I would strongly recommend you get one with at least a 6ft roof. This may limit access to some places with low clearance, like parking decks, possibly some country roads, etc. But the quality of life improvement would be tremendous. Another option would be a small box truck. It's very easy to make a pass through from the cab to the box. Finally, this is a preference thing, but I would go for a cargo van with no windows. It's just much more private and secure. One last thing, parking and loading is much easier with a sliding side door than the barn door setup.

In retrospect, I wish I had gone with the box truck myself.

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Thanks for your advice. Honestly, I don't mind not being able to stand up in the vehicle. I can always stand up outside. I have been on loads of road trips, so I'm not completely foreign to the idea of what it would be like. Just never stayed in a van for over a week. I guess we all have our preferences though. I mean, this past year, I basically just lie in bed all day so doing that in a better location would still be a step up for me.

I'm getting very conflicting opinions on the type of vehicle I should get. I first thought a kind of cargo van was the obvious choice but a lot of van lifers have very strong opinions as to why it's not a good idea, and it's making me rethink my decision. I think the biggest reason they say is because it's simply a more suspicious looking van and is a target for both police and thieves alike and you're more likely to be asked to move when parked in certain areas simply because your presence is more noticeable and more likely to make someone uncomfortable. Apparently, the cargo van thing is considered by a lot as a rookie mistake, but I think it would really just come down to the individual and definitely could be the best choice for some. I actually prefer to have windows, but I plan on adding curtains to them. That's not the only reason they talk about though. Things with the vehicle itself and how used passenger vans have usually been used with more care than work vans and have less wear and stuff like that. Generally speaking.

The thing is, for me, I'm right now just looking for something to start out in. And starting out, I'd be much more comfortable knowing I can go and park pretty much anywhere with no problems or little hassle. So something like a big box truck is definitely not something I'm interested in. Though, also not completely out of the question but that last picture you posted, definitely not comfortable driving that right away. I'm a very anxious person in general, and I want to be able to get a feel for the lifestyle and get more real life experience so I know what to expect before going with anything larger at the moment. I like the security of knowing I can go almost anywhere and also not standing out, but that's my anxiety talking. For now, I'm really only looking for something cheap for about a year's worth. If it's something I want to continue with, and once I get a better idea of what my needs will be, then I'll probably upgrade to something a little bigger. I'm really starting to think I'll probably just land with a cargo van though since there are far more of them for sale.

 

[summers]

@ohhgeeitsme It does take some getting used to driving a bigger vehicle, especially if you go box or cargo, no windows. If it doesn't come with one, you really should get a backup camera like this:

They are about $50 on amazon, you would need an extension for the wires, as they won't be long enough. I have mine wired like the pic with the switch that plugs into the 12v. I leave the camera on pretty much 100% of the time while I'm driving. Makes changing lanes much easier than just relying on the mirrors.

Edit: I don't personally, but some people run two cameras, one on the rear, one on the right side (if you drive a left hand drive car). This makes it much easier to make left turns, again especially if you don't have any windows, or with a box. You can run both cameras into one monitor. They all take two inputs, so you would just switch from rear to side, or you could run two monitors.

 

[Makko]

This will definitely make a difference if you take the plunge. A change of environment forces and change of habits, and you'll notice how at least some of the things making you miserable were actually a part of your chosen routine, or something missing from it. It's hard to change habits when staying still but it comes naturally when moving to a new place, or choosing a new lifestyle.

I fantasize about van life a lot. I don't think I'd be able to handle it in practice though. You sound pretty tough so I think you'll be mentally refreshed by this.

 

[aneurysm]

I only have one advice for you, and it's to always except the worse.

so you can prepare.

I know someone who realized her dream life of traveling all around the world, but said it was shit because she made zero friends and spent most of her time alone.

Most people will only reproduce their core patterns, regardless of the scenery. I have lived in several countries and although on the outside my life seemed different, on the inside, it was not.

Not trying to discourage you of course not. It's just that excitement leads to disappointment in my experience. It doesn't mean that it's bad to follow your joy, it simply means that you should always be brutally honest with yourself.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

This will definitely make a difference if you take the plunge. A change of environment forces and change of habits, and you'll notice how at least some of the things making you miserable were actually a part of your chosen routine, or something missing from it. It's hard to change habits when staying still but it comes naturally when moving to a new place, or choosing a new lifestyle.

I fantasize about van life a lot. I don't think I'd be able to handle it in practice though. You sound pretty tough so I think you'll be mentally refreshed by this.

I agree. One of the reasons I think this van thing is really going to help me is because it's going to force me to get out there and start living again. it's going to force me to do things and go places I would avoid otherwise. Isolation has become such a set habit for me and it feels like the only way I'm going to be able to change it now is by being in a situation where I have no choice. I'm going to have to go places again. I'm going to have to spend more time outdoors. I'm going to have to do things that make me anxious. Even simple things like taking a shower and doing my laundry is going to involve going some place and I think that will be good for me. Also, I'm hoping this will give me at least a better idea if my problems with mental health are situational or if there is more going on, like an actual physiological cause for it because I really just can't tell. We'll see I guess.

I only have one advice for you, and it's to always except the worse.

so you can prepare.

I know someone who realized her dream life of traveling all around the world, but said it was shit because she made zero friends and spent most of her time alone.

Most people will only reproduce their core patterns, regardless of the scenery. I have lived in several countries and although on the outside my life seemed different, on the inside, it was not.

Not trying to discourage you of course not. It's just that excitement leads to disappointment in my experience. It doesn't mean that it's bad to follow your joy, it simply means that you should always be brutally honest with yourself.

Trust me, I know. I've learned to never get my hopes up too much. The way I see it though, even if the same thing that happened to your friend happened to me, it would still be a step up for me and I'll still be saving more money. Making zero friends and spending all my time alone is literally what I'm doing now. I'd rather have the option to do it where I want in the continent, whenever I want. I actually want to spend a lot of this time alone anyway.

I do understand what you're saying and you're not wrong, but my current patterns and habits started because of events that happened to me in my 20's. It's not like I've just always been like this, but now that I've let it go on for such a long time, I really do feel like I have to take drastic steps to correct it. So I'm going to completely change everything about my life and see if that'll kind of restart myself. I'm not expecting to be a picture of happiness because of this change or to even love life again, but that's not my goal. My goal is to get to a point where I'm not so miserable I want to murder myself. One of the things I want most in the world is to just be able to spend more time in the outdoors. It's where I feel at peace. I want more fresh air. Also, if this doesn't work out and I still want to die, I can finally take a road trip to Mexico and spend my days trying to bribe a local to buy some N and end my life under the stars, and hope I don't caught doing it. Even if that doesn't work.. well, still far more options for my last days and methods.

 

[Pharmaruined]

I came very close to suicide again just days ago. Then I decided, before I call it quits, there is still one more thing I can do.

I can try the vanlife. I've been interested in it for years. My last job, I worked with a lot of those people during the seasonal months and have had two friends do it and everyone falls in love with the lifestyle. I just know having to live this "normal" life and working all week for no reward and being too exhausted to ever do anything on my off days anyway, coming back to some crap apartment with no backyard when I move back out on my own, same damn thing every boring day is always going to be miserable for me. I sometimes wonder if this expected lifestyle is really the cause of my mental problems. Maybe I'm always anxious because my brain is always trying to tell me something is wrong. This is not me. I'm not wired for this. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when I get out on the road, I'll be just as disillusioned with it as I am with literally everything in adult life. But hell, it's worth a shot and at least for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to something. I think that's really what I've been missing. I need something to look forward to, even if later on all that is just changing the sights and people in front of me every so often.

There's no rent, don't have to work as many hours and have more time to actually do stuff, travel the continent, meet new people, actually have new experiences. I think it may be just what I need. I'm going to find some work here in the meantime to save up a little more money but then I'm on the road. I'm currently in the South of the US and the plan is to start out with a trip out West, before settling in the Northwest for a few months and find some work. Then leave, take a small trip before landing somewhere else and do the same thing.

I'm not made of money so my living situation is going to be super basic, not at all glamorous, and that doesn't bother me in the slightest. I'm low maintenance anyway.

Anyway, we'll see if this works.

Go for it.. ! Make life an unpredictable adventure but in a good way..

 

[Imaginos]

Interestingly enough, I literally just watched a movie that was exactly about this sort of thing in particular. It's called Nomadland and it's about this woman's decision to do the whole van life thing. Personally, I thought it was really great and I liked the quiet atmosphere and all the different perspectives you got to hear/see from those this woman meets along the way.

In my case, I'm a hermit to to my bones. I have as much ability to pick up and leave here as the trees have means to just pick up their roots and go siddling down the street somewhere. For better or for worse, I am what I am. I found the film doubly interesting on that basis, since as a hermit I'm literally the exact opposite of a nomad and stand as a living antonym to their lifestyle. In that sense, it was almost like getting a glimpse at the other side of the coin, for lack of a better way to describe it. From what the film showcased, it seems the nomad life can have its unique perks, such as a sense of self-renewing novelty in travel and enjoying pockets of community with other van life people. Of course, dealing with the elements, or finding means of sustenance, or knowing how to skirt around the laws/rules that inhibit the lifestyle, not to mention dealing with possible emergencies like your vehicle breaking down, or what have you, are all noticeable drawbacks one has to consider before taking the plunge into this sort of thing. Having said that, I'll admit that it seems much more conducive to life satisfaction in relation to what makes us humans generally happy, versus an isolated and sedentary existence like mine will ever be able to accomplish by comparison. In my case, I could never be anything else than what I am. Just like how a bird can't ever hope to swim like a fish, nor can a fish ever hope to fly like a bird. We're all wired to be a certain way even if, in my case, it runs entirely contrary to human physiology. Perhaps I'm a result of faulty/defective DNA. It wouldn't surprise me, frankly.

 

[summers]

@ohhgeeitsme not going to bog down this thread with mechanical details. I did a lot of research before I bought my van. Wanted a Chevy/GMC, but settled for a Ford. PM me if you want, and I can go over some of the issues you may come across.

One thing I will put out there is to avoid early model Sprinters. Read a lot of horror stories on those.

 

[Alec]

Wow, sounds exciting and an impressive decision, makes me feel proud of you if I'm honest(not that it's my place to feel proud of you really after all I'm a stranger to you why should my opinion about your personal life matter to you). I hope it works out great for you, you deserve it!❤ I love you.

 

[JusttryingtoDeal]

This is a dream I've had for thirty years and I wish you all the luck in the world! The call of the open road is strong and I imagine you will meet all sorts of interesting people during your adventures. Have you ever heard of/read Travels with Charley by John Steinbeck? It details his experiences travelling the back roads of the USA with his dog and all the people he met along the way. Granted, he did it in the 60s when times were different, but I'm sure you will find good people along the way!

Will you continue to post while you travel? I think it would be beneficial to others in recovery. Very exciting either way!