Venting Im getting worse

[Ghost2211]

I feel trapped by the fact that I'm around kids all the time. The worst part is I know that feeling is because I would end it if I had any time alone. I'm literally NEVER alone. I wake up just as hopeless as I fall asleep, and unless Im stoned I feel restless and fixate on ctb. I've stopped talking to ex or therapist about suicidal ideation since it just gets threats of "help". I don't really socialize at all anymore.

I seriously can't believe how badly I want to die. I realize I can't let go of my ex due to an unhealthy attachment pattern due to all the childhood abuse and neglect. I will knowingly let myself be used since I can't let go. He is all sad now because the relationship he destroyed our family for is dying, so of course he's pushing me away and not even giving me the self diluted social interactions I've been using to hold it together.

if I didn't have kids I would be gone. I'm trapped in this hell.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Its sadly ironic there is you bless you, have people around you and in your life and you dont want that and that's all I wish for, my loved ones back.............I could never have kids through my health but also damage from abuse and rape............what a world ....................big hugs to you

 

[Ghost2211]

Its sadly ironic there is you bless you, have people around you and in your life and you dont want that and that's all I wish for, my loved ones back.............I could never have kids through my health but also damage from abuse and rape............what a world ....................big hugs to you

I know I should be more grateful for what I have. It's sad how being alone with people can be worse than being alone. I love them so much. They have been really hard on me lately, and I never get a break. Their dad lets me deal with all of it alone, and thinks it's helping to see them an hour or two a day while avoiding me.

 

[Rome Horseman]

I know I should be more grateful for what I have. It's sad how being alone with people can be worse than being alone. I love them so much. They have been really hard on me lately, and I never get a break. Their dad lets me deal with all of it alone, and thinks it's helping to see them an hour or two a day while avoiding me.

I fucking wish I could help you with the little ones making someone else happy makes me happy atlease I think.. I'm sorry for your suffering

 

[Ghost2211]

I fucking wish I could help you with the little ones making someone else happy makes me happy atlease I think.. I'm sorry for your suffering

If helping others is beneficial to you have you considered volunteering with animals or the elderly? They are both extremely grateful for company and companionship, and can really enhance your life.

 

[Lunaloveflood]

I know I should be more grateful for what I have. It's sad how being alone with people can be worse than being alone. I love them so much. They have been really hard on me lately, and I never get a break. Their dad lets me deal with all of it alone, and thinks it's helping to see them an hour or two a day while avoiding me.

I don't think you should be "more grateful of what you have" From what you say your day to day life seems to be really hard and exhausting and you are doing your very best considering the situation. It's not your fault if you have mental health difficulties and can't do what everyone expects of you. I hope you'll get better or at least find a way to get yourself some alone time.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I'm sorry love. I would luv to b able to help u with the babies..I'm sure it can feel so overwhelming. U can sometimes b so drained, that u have nothing left to offer. Not being able to take a min...

Having ppl around n still feeling lonely is def the worst..Giving u a great big hug..U can do this..♡

 

[Ghost2211]

I know how stupid this sounds. Sometimes I just want to indulge the craving and fixation Of ctb but it have no consequences and not be permanent. i Want to physically express the emotional pain and taste death, but am not 100% ready for actual death.