Venting I'm Getting Worse

[RoyBlight]

Yeah it's pretty sad. I've been getting worse for more than a decade now I think, since the very first time I had to see a psychiatrists due to panic attacks.

I decided to see a psychiatrist again, after a long break. Not in search of a treatment though, I'm just trying to get a certificate of disability, trying to convince the doctor that I'm just not getting better. It's not like I'm not taking her prescriptions though, I did take the meds for a while. It was the most miserable two weeks of my life, thanks to the medications, my depression has never been worse. Paradoxical side effects. It happens all the time, tried countless medications over the years, it's always been the same.

Worst part is that... there used to be some things I said to myself, reminded myself during panic attacks, that made me feel a bit better, maybe keep the attack a bit more in control. I used to remind myself how small we are compared to the entire universe, (which would remind me that there is no reason to worry because nothing is that important), that there are lots of absolutely terrible people and compared to them I'm a very good person, that life revolves around opportunities and it's not my fault that I did not have the same opportunities other successful people had, that this is just my fate and I cannot change it, as... well, I fought to change it for a decade and it did not help.

Yeah, reminding myself of these things stopped helping as well... I still feel just as depressed, just as anxious even though I remind myself of these.
I never should have went to see a ''professional'' I've never been worse in my life... I can barely get out of bed, I would prefer just rotting in my bed...

I'm depressed to the point I cannot play video games anymore, which was the only thing I had in my life. Even video games seems like such bothersome tasks now... if I'm playing a single-player game, I'll always worry about missing achievements or collectibles, will worry about not perfecting it; and it's not just those obsessions, I just don't feel like playing anything overall as well. And multiplayer games well... I probably don't have to explain how awful competitive shooters can make one feel.

*sigh*... a shame I'm terribly afraid of death, otherwise I would have offed myself a long time ago...
Yeah life... life really sucks... it's just nothing but misery, like actually. It's just non-stop sadness.

Anyways, that's about it. Whoever took their time to read all this, thank you so much. Have a nice day.

 

[kitia973]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this suffering, and I hope that things will start to stablize for you.
If the competitiveness of video games bother you, perhaps you could try picking up a visual novel or two. A lot of those games are focused on story instead of achievements or ranks. I personally find visual novels to be a great way to unwind, especially when other games seem to taxing.