Things are just fucking horrible. I'm at a point where I'm absolutely ready to call it quits. I just want peace but then I remember that I won't be getting any peace at all. Just oblivion. That's what is stopping me this whole time. My mind is thrashing back and forth, back and forth between these two things. Die and end my suffering but have no peace because I will have nothing at all or live and suffer but have my consciousness. My health and brain function issues are more than enough to drive me mad but this back and forth over ending it and SI is just fucking unbarable. I'm going to break soon. I can't deal with any of this much longer.
I used to think like this and then my whole world came crashing down and nothing but negative things have hit my life so I know it's time for me to go. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop it at this point. I hope you find the peace you are looking for cause that's literally all I want is peace and I will get it here in a few days.
theboy
Illuminated
- Jul 15, 2022
- 3,006
unfair life
sad life
dark life
sad life
dark life
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,187
I personally believe peace to be the absence of everything, to me peace could never exist in this life, it could only be found in non existence. I've always found the thought of eternal nothingness to be comforting as it's the end of this unnecessary dreadful experience called life, where all of our problems and suffering will die with us.
But it really is such a cruel existence which brings people to this point of being so desperate to escape and it's horrific how the human body can torture people to such extreme extents. I hope you find the freedom that you are looking for, it must be so tiring being trapped in that situation.
But it really is such a cruel existence which brings people to this point of being so desperate to escape and it's horrific how the human body can torture people to such extreme extents. I hope you find the freedom that you are looking for, it must be so tiring being trapped in that situation.
makethepainstop
Visionary
- Sep 16, 2022
- 2,032
That is a very rough set of choices, one we all face. To stay and suffer, or to make the pain stop. I know what that's like, I wrestle with that same decision. Much love to you.
for me death represents eternal peace. so i dont really understand what you are worried about, it is ultimate peace. if you continue living you will continue to suffer, at least thats how i see it :/
For me there is no peace in death in the sense that you can't experience peace. You can't experience anything. You won't be dead and just like, ahhh this is so peaceful. There will be know more pain but you won't even be able to appreciate that because you simply won't be there at all. That's where my SI comes from. What I'm craving is to experience actual relief. I want to feel jt. I know the best death has to offer is just nothing at all. I'm trying my best to work through that and finally just end it. This last week things have tanked even lower.
I think that no matter how hard you try to convince yourself, you probably cannot be certain what the process of death involves. You can have a materialist view that everything ends, there is no experience per say, and that's fine...but it's just that, a viewpoint gained from your cultural, academic, societal and possibly religious experience in this reality. It may not be truth.
I wonder if you don't intuitively realise this and your SI is related to uncertainty. We humans hate that. We have to know something, or we usually fill in the blanks. I wonder if at some deeper level your fear is tied to uncertainty and you're convincing yourself it's about nothingness in death. I dunno, just a thought that struck me.
Rocket
Member
- Oct 12, 2022
- 59
You are such a beautiful soul. Your messages are so compassionate, you always have a kind word and understanding. It's honestly a pleasure reading your messages, it brings great feelings of warmth. Thank you and sending you a big hug.
LaVieEnRose
Angelic
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,174
What tangible changes in your life do you think could bring you relief (if any)? You deserve to be able to experience relief. I agree that death isn't true relief as such, even if it's the best option.
The only change in my life that could bring relief would be for my health and cognitive issues to clear up. That's it. Its been 30 years of he'll and getting rapidly worse. I'm stuck between this he'll I'm suffering and the act of taking my own life. It's horrible. Thank you for saying I deserve to feel relief btw. I really don't hate life and want to live so bad but only without having these tortuous health problems.
I hear what you're saying and I'm not trying to argue against it, but since peace is something you feel how can it be found in the absence of everything? Like how can one find peace in nonexistence as you can find nothing at all there. I struggle with this exact conundrum daily. Its like the only peace associated with death is in the concept of it while you're still alive. Its a nightmarish catch 22.
I wish I could feel the same as you because I would be gone already and all of this bullshit would be over with. I'm trying to tell myself everyday that no matter what I'm going to die someday regardless of wether its peaceful or not and that I may as well end it now and stop this torture. I'm 48 years old and I've been suffering for just over 30 years so why extend this garbage any longer? I tell myself I was fine before I was born and even that since I emerged from nothing once that it could be a possibility I will do it again once I'm dead. All I can say for sure is the physical pain, dizzyness, exhaustion, breathlessness, nightmare cognitive problems, nerve twitching and everything else is beyond old at this point and I need to make it go away.
Obliviate
Abandon All Hope
- Aug 13, 2022
- 799
Maybe try researching alternative after life scenarios/theories? I personally believe in heaven and peace and I'm still fucking scared of CTBing. Maybe look at NDE experiences to calm yourself down. That's what I do. And if things have gotten extremely bad for you, it can't be worse in the afterlife even if it is nonexistence (which I highly doubt). I'm holding on a little bit more and then I'll be ready to go. Start looking at the positives of death as happiness and peace. That's what I have to do when I start getting panic attacks about leaving. If you think about all the people and animals that die everyday including ants, we realize that it's not too big of a deal. Imagine how many souls are departing at this very second from places like Ukraine, Iran, Afghanistan where things are horrible. Only a truly bad person should fear the after life cuz hell is hot.
I used to feel this exact same way, but now I'm to the point where I'm feeling like oblivion won't be that bad, because I'm always trying to stay asleep to avoid life, and I think oblivion will be similar. My suffering has changed my mind. The more time goes on, the more I want to die. My situation may change before my CTB date this summer, and life may become bearable for me, but I don't even know if it will be enough to keep me around. If my situation doesn't change significantly, I'm outta here. Oblivion here I come!
By the way, I just got discharged from the hospital, because I was at the dentist today for another tooth extraction, and had a totally separate medical emergency that caused them to call the ambulance. I was at the dentist from 9am, and was just about to get the tooth extracted at 2pm, but around 1:30pm I was attacked by extremely painful abdominal pains, and I almost passed out. I took 4 pain pills within 30 minutes and the pain was still crazy. The ambulance had to come and rush me to the emergency room, so now I have to reschedule the tooth extraction. Monday I'm going to the doctor so they can finally test for cancer, and help me with the issues related to where the pain came from. These are just 2 physical problems I have, there's more... Why the hell do I want to live this kind of life? There is nothing but problems, there is literally nothing left but problems!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I don't think I will ever be able to believe there is a god again, and that any of my suffering had purpose. If I would have killed myself along time ago, today would have never happened. I've been in a crisis for decades at this point. Just a desperate unpleasant disaster crisis with no one but narcissistic abusers who helped ruin my life to depend on.
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GrumpyFrog
Exhausted
- Aug 23, 2020
- 1,913
I hear what you are saying and I understand where you're coming from. I can only imagine how awful it must be to suffer for such a long time. My heart goes out for you. And I understand how the concept of death isn't exactly appealing because ideally you'd want to actually experience relief, not just have the pain stop and everything else stop along with it, and yet it seems like the best option you have. Is there really nothing that can be done medically to bring you relief? I am so incredibly sorry if that is the case.
I think, as horrible as it sounds in this situation, this is the point where you can try to write down pros and cons of living versus dying and try to look at it rationally, like you would look at any other decision. I understand that both options really suck. I wish I could give you a way out, you really don't deserve to be in this situation, no one does.
I think, as horrible as it sounds in this situation, this is the point where you can try to write down pros and cons of living versus dying and try to look at it rationally, like you would look at any other decision. I understand that both options really suck. I wish I could give you a way out, you really don't deserve to be in this situation, no one does.
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