xXSarac3nSlay3rXx
“Leaving this world is not as scary as it sounds.”
- Mar 3, 2019
- 248
I bit the bullet and bought a Nitrogen tank and regulator a couple weeks ago. I was feeling especially shitty, so I figured I might as well take action instead of just thinking about doing it. After getting the tank I threw caution to the wind and binged phenibut for about a week. Surprisingly, even that didn't get rid of my anxiety, but it did boost my mood. I took a scenic drive through a national park. Just wanted to have some good experiences before finally biting the dust.
I ran out of the phenibut, but I don't feel any withdrawal symptoms, I just feel like I'm back at square one now. I know I wasn't genuinely feeling better, it was just a drug: I can't rely on a drug to make me feel alright.
I have some sort of issue with my mood. I was diagnosed with bipolar II, but I honestly think it might just be run of the mill depression. What it is is beside the point, I just feel like shit most of the time. I've had brief glimpses of feeling good. If I could live my entire life at a baseline where I feel alright with occasional bouts of sadness, I would be fine to keep on living.
As far as other health problems go, I have been having trouble with my jaw and ears for the last four years. I have occasional pain in my jaw and constant fullness in my ears. Imagine trying to pop your ears on a plane but never being able to fully pop them.
I figure I'll write a note to my family and maybe to two of my friends (I only have two I talk to much). I want to try to arrange for my body to be found some within a couple hours so I can be harvested for a tissue bank, though I have no idea if that wish will be honored. I feel like I've given "getting better" the old college try, but sometimes things don't get better. I know a few people will care that I'm gone, but ultimately my existence means very, very little to the world and means absolutely nothing to the universe.
I ran out of the phenibut, but I don't feel any withdrawal symptoms, I just feel like I'm back at square one now. I know I wasn't genuinely feeling better, it was just a drug: I can't rely on a drug to make me feel alright.
I have some sort of issue with my mood. I was diagnosed with bipolar II, but I honestly think it might just be run of the mill depression. What it is is beside the point, I just feel like shit most of the time. I've had brief glimpses of feeling good. If I could live my entire life at a baseline where I feel alright with occasional bouts of sadness, I would be fine to keep on living.
As far as other health problems go, I have been having trouble with my jaw and ears for the last four years. I have occasional pain in my jaw and constant fullness in my ears. Imagine trying to pop your ears on a plane but never being able to fully pop them.
I figure I'll write a note to my family and maybe to two of my friends (I only have two I talk to much). I want to try to arrange for my body to be found some within a couple hours so I can be harvested for a tissue bank, though I have no idea if that wish will be honored. I feel like I've given "getting better" the old college try, but sometimes things don't get better. I know a few people will care that I'm gone, but ultimately my existence means very, very little to the world and means absolutely nothing to the universe.
