Venting I'm fucking done

[drownll]

I hate my life right now it sucks.
My life was ALWAYS shit, i don't remember one good phase in my life. I'm not gonna write about my childhood because it's not the most relevant here, but it was garbage and traumatized me.
1 year ago i started renting an illegal small apartment (under-rental), at this time i had 0 friend, shitty job at mcdonalds, no money. The guy who rented me the flat would sometimes enter without warning at night to get his stuff. I started doing drugs to bare this situation (speed), not so long after i stopped going to work and did speed all day because i felt 10x better than i've ever felt in my life doing it.
I managed to live like that for 2-3 months before running out of money, the guy started threatening me, so i had to go back to my moms appartement. She lives in a shithole ghetto. From then i live in this trash shithole that i hate, i'm back to the place that gave me so much traumas, i have nothing going on for me at 23, no money, no room, no friends, i love my mom but i hate my sisters, they are dirty, they make a mess everywhere, they are loud, the apartment is super small and i live in the living room, i have no intimacy. And i can't numb it down with alcohol or drugs because my mom would kick me out. I want to go to the military it's my only way, i know that i will always never abandon my mission no matter my mental state but i'm scared of getting flagged by the psychologist and be failed.

I seriously thought about offing multiple times throughout my life, first time when i was in high-school. I don't regret that i kept living until the moment where i had to return here, because i accumulated a lot of esoteric knowledge and experienced transcendal spiritual moments (both naturally and drug induced, i did dmt multiple times), i can't express these things with words but i can kinda grasp the nature of my true self and the afterlife, and i'm not consciously scared of death (i'm still instinctively scared of it though like everyone else).

What ctb method do you recommend considering:
I have no money
I want 100% guaranteed success

Personally drowning seems really appealing to me.

Fuck humans, i hate the very human condition. I cannot bare the human experience of existence anymore, constantly having needs, being vulnerable, bounded. Fuck this.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so awful what you've been through, I also despise existing and I see having the ability to exist here as being such a terrible, undeserved punishment, to me existence is just unnecessary suffering.

 

[MusicGuy]

Sorry about the situation you live in, I hope things get better one way or another for you. About the method, the only free methods that I can think of are jumping, drowning, or hanging. Hanging can really require preparation and if you don't have a private place to do it it can be impossible, so I feel like jumping and drowning could work for you. Hope I helped

 

[drownll]

That really sounds so awful what you've been through, I also despise existing and I see having the ability to exist here as being such a terrible, undeserved punishment, to me existence is just unnecessary suffering.

Personally, this is how i see life.
You know when you have a favorite song and you keep listening to it, but at some point you become tired of it? Then you might stop and listen to trash music for a few months, then when you listen to your favorite song again, it's like you experience it for the first time again, + the satisfying nostalgia.

Similarly, i think we have to live through a shitty existence in order to better appreciate our godly powers after death.

I personally believe that after death we enter our imagination (not forever, nothing is eternal). I see the afterlife as an offline rpg with no rules, you can have infinite everything, use mods, cheat engine etc... At some point you might get bored so you want to play online, even if it means having to grind, being under rules, dealing with annoying people etc...
Just know that it doesn't matter in the end, everything that is happening here doesn't matter, simply your deepest desires will remain after and you will be able to fulfill them in the lands of dreams, only limited by your imagination.

Sorry about the situation you live in, I hope things get better one way or another for you. About the method, the only free methods that I can think of are jumping, drowning, or hanging. Hanging can really require preparation and if you don't have a private place to do it it can be impossible, so I feel like jumping and drowning could work for you. Hope I helped

I'm thinking about a way to do a complex suicide involving drowning in the end. I can't drown myself if i can swim.

 

[dandan]

Even when "we shouldn't compare" , yeah that's a shitty situation you are in, I feel you. And I see you are not an Eminem rapping his way out of the ghetto, or even a small happy employee or whatever. Even when I'm not in such a bad place, situation, I still wanna off this shit off. Damn.... People have told me , you should be thankful, and I read you and yeah I should be, but why can't I do shit? I don't see myself through my life on the 8 to 6 job. Want to call it off soon. It's been a lot.