Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
I ate and im kinda tired/sleepy but not enough and just feel miserable. So I just decided to take my meds and try to wake up.
I'm questioning how worth it is to even try anymore honestly. Do I just give in to the suicidality? Do I keep trying to crawl outta this? I dunno anymore honestly.
I keep trying to push these feelings away but instead ima be honest.... I feel lonely. I feel like I'm not able to properly connect. I feel like connections are changing. In all my misery I feel extremely isolated in my suicidality.
I feel like cutting myself. I have images of cutting & bleeding. How such a release would feel like.
But most of the time I don't really care to bc... what's the point of bleeding just a little bit? What's the point of harming myself unless ima die.
It's in these moments I can't tell if I'm glad I don't have a method with me or upset about it. In these moment's of night & morning & hell all day pain... it'd be easy to execute. It'd feel so fucking good to know I'm going to die.
Im very tempted to go have something acidic or with citric acid and just forget the day.
Make suicide plans.
Forget trying...
There's a part of me that really wanted a life worth living and there's a bigger part of me that is sick of the push & pull & just wanting to end it all.
Which part of me will win today? Who knows honestly.
I'm sick of my default being suicidal. Like what the fuck is wrong with me.
So yeah... this is where I am at. Posting in recovery section with plans for the day knowing if I push it at least im distracted enough. Then posting here and admitting how much pain I am truly in and how de-motivating it is.
Well.. I'm getting sleepy despite having just took meds so I might just drink something to cancel em out. Self sabotage & un-wellness at it's finest. I'm a fucking fraud.
Maybe I'll just buy SN at the end of the month. Nothing has changed anyway. I still just hard carried my way past exhaustion to "set things up". Like do I really even believe the life I am aiming for is possible anymore? Do I even have any hope?
Maybe in moments. When I am distracted enough. When it's just me and my own thoughts though.... I've just given up in ways. Maybe I'll just pretend enough for like a week... buy the SN next week... hopefully it doesn't take long... then just end it. I'm horrible at pretending so I'd probs just stop talking all together to anyone. Maybe lie about going to the hospital.
Now I carry too much weight of the impact of my suicide. Im stupid for connecting.
I think I'm really great at fooling myself hence the suicidal thoughts coming up when it's just me, myself & I.
Im finding it hard to care about my own life in these moments.
Im just feeling more sleepy after taking my meds so gonna finish cannabis drink (citric acid or vitamin c will cancel out adhd meds). The fact that I am sleepy instead of awake can mean a few things. Hormones, burn out or something along those lines.
Maybe I just won't get past any of the suicidal feelings today. Maybe I'll never get past any of this anymore. Maybe my days are numbered.
Maybe I'm just a defeatist and it's my own bullshit keeping me trapped in suicide.
Who fucking knows anymore. Im so sick of living with feelings of wanting to kill myself.
Like why the fuck am I bothering to try then. UGH. NOTHING IS FUCKING CHANGING. I AM TRYING AND I AM STILL DROWNING
EVERY. FUCKING. DAY.
IM SICK OF THIS.
I'm questioning how worth it is to even try anymore honestly. Do I just give in to the suicidality? Do I keep trying to crawl outta this? I dunno anymore honestly.
I keep trying to push these feelings away but instead ima be honest.... I feel lonely. I feel like I'm not able to properly connect. I feel like connections are changing. In all my misery I feel extremely isolated in my suicidality.
I feel like cutting myself. I have images of cutting & bleeding. How such a release would feel like.
But most of the time I don't really care to bc... what's the point of bleeding just a little bit? What's the point of harming myself unless ima die.
It's in these moments I can't tell if I'm glad I don't have a method with me or upset about it. In these moment's of night & morning & hell all day pain... it'd be easy to execute. It'd feel so fucking good to know I'm going to die.
Im very tempted to go have something acidic or with citric acid and just forget the day.
Make suicide plans.
Forget trying...
There's a part of me that really wanted a life worth living and there's a bigger part of me that is sick of the push & pull & just wanting to end it all.
Which part of me will win today? Who knows honestly.
I'm sick of my default being suicidal. Like what the fuck is wrong with me.
So yeah... this is where I am at. Posting in recovery section with plans for the day knowing if I push it at least im distracted enough. Then posting here and admitting how much pain I am truly in and how de-motivating it is.
Well.. I'm getting sleepy despite having just took meds so I might just drink something to cancel em out. Self sabotage & un-wellness at it's finest. I'm a fucking fraud.
Maybe I'll just buy SN at the end of the month. Nothing has changed anyway. I still just hard carried my way past exhaustion to "set things up". Like do I really even believe the life I am aiming for is possible anymore? Do I even have any hope?
Maybe in moments. When I am distracted enough. When it's just me and my own thoughts though.... I've just given up in ways. Maybe I'll just pretend enough for like a week... buy the SN next week... hopefully it doesn't take long... then just end it. I'm horrible at pretending so I'd probs just stop talking all together to anyone. Maybe lie about going to the hospital.
Now I carry too much weight of the impact of my suicide. Im stupid for connecting.
I think I'm really great at fooling myself hence the suicidal thoughts coming up when it's just me, myself & I.
Im finding it hard to care about my own life in these moments.
Im just feeling more sleepy after taking my meds so gonna finish cannabis drink (citric acid or vitamin c will cancel out adhd meds). The fact that I am sleepy instead of awake can mean a few things. Hormones, burn out or something along those lines.
Maybe I just won't get past any of the suicidal feelings today. Maybe I'll never get past any of this anymore. Maybe my days are numbered.
Maybe I'm just a defeatist and it's my own bullshit keeping me trapped in suicide.
Who fucking knows anymore. Im so sick of living with feelings of wanting to kill myself.
Like why the fuck am I bothering to try then. UGH. NOTHING IS FUCKING CHANGING. I AM TRYING AND I AM STILL DROWNING
EVERY. FUCKING. DAY.
IM SICK OF THIS.
