Venting I'm feeling very pressured to end my life.

[k75]

The problem is, the only one pressuring is myself. How do you deal with a situation like this?

I have a very defined list of things I need to do first, but suicide is constantly on my mind. I feel like there's a deadline I need to meet, like I'm running out of time. Like I can't slow down for a second. I tell myself it's ok, it's not an emergency. Death is not going anywhere, and it'll always be an option tomorrow. But I feel like it all has to be as quick as possible for some reason, and I'm stressed, anxious, terrified I'll forget something important.

I don't want to have to die, not really. I'd prefer to get better. But that is not possible, so the most I can hope for is to survive long enough to sort everything out properly. I procrastinate a lot to buy myself some time, but all that really does is reinforce the imaginary pressure and creates weird sense of guilt.

I just don't know how to cope when the enemy is myself. What can I do??

 

[not_a_robot]

I envy you, being so driven for it. I have shit I need to do to prepare, real deadlines, and I can barely drag myself out of bed.

 

[k75]

The reality is, I'm not getting much done at all. Like I said, I procrastinate a lot. Part of that is because I know I want to do the stuff before I go, so it's almost like it keeps me safe to avoid it. But it makes all the bad feelings so much worse.

I'm truly torn.

Honestly, I'm barely functioning. Most days I can't force myself to get out of bed. I rarely leave my house anymore. Therapy once a week, and then I hide inside.

Also, I know I can't hurt myself if I'm asleep, so I sleep as much as I can. But I'm still feeling all this guilt and anxiety and pressure. It's like a nightmare.

 

[HGL91]

The reality is, I'm not getting much done at all. Like I said, I procrastinate a lot. Part of that is because I know I want to do the stuff before I go, so it's almost like it keeps me safe to avoid it. But it makes all the bad feelings so much worse.

I'm truly torn.

Honestly, I'm barely functioning. Most days I can't force myself to get out of bed. I rarely leave my house anymore. Therapy once a week, and then I hide inside.

Also, I know I can't hurt myself if I'm asleep, so I sleep as much as I can. But I'm still feeling all this guilt and anxiety and pressure. It's like a nightmare.

Oh man. Me too on the sleep thing! Sleep is my ultimate procrastination lately. Then I justify it by telling myself," People in 3rd world countries would love the luxury of having a comfortable bed. I should get my money's worth and sleep in it as much as I can!"

 

[Kdawg2018]

The reality is, I'm not getting much done at all. Like I said, I procrastinate a lot. Part of that is because I know I want to do the stuff before I go, so it's almost like it keeps me safe to avoid it. But it makes all the bad feelings so much worse.

I'm truly torn.

Honestly, I'm barely functioning. Most days I can't force myself to get out of bed. I rarely leave my house anymore. Therapy once a week, and then I hide inside.

Also, I know I can't hurt myself if I'm asleep, so I sleep as much as I can. But I'm still feeling all this guilt and anxiety and pressure. It's like a nightmare.

I used to be like this, didnt leave the house, anxiety like crazy, thought other ppl in public could see how sick and suicidal I was, but I'm better now. I shower daily and work, things get better even if they dont feel like they ever will. Tell yourself you can always kill yourself tomorrow, but you cant unkill yourself... helps me to live...

 

[RM5998]

I'm in a similar situation... I've put aside a bunch of stuff I want to check off before CTBing, sort of as a way of assuring myself that I won't die having wasted all my time (even though I know that that shouldn't matter). I don't want to be the useless dipshit that I am, but it's too hard to be anything else.

I've got an internship now, so I do have to go to work on weekdays, but it doesn't prevent me from completely wasting most of my time. I should be getting this shit done way faster, but I keep procrastinating and doing random useless bullshit.

 

[daikon]

I get feeling guilty/pressured. Part of it for me is that I've told so many people I'm going to do it that it feels embarrassing not to. Suicide is hard and death is scary, by virtue of being unknown. One thing that helped me was just acknowledging that suicide is a huge risk and I could badly but non fatally hurt myself if I fail, and that is made sense to be wary of that danger, even if I hate life and wish someone would shoot me in the back of the head on my way to work. Once I accepted that suicide was hard and maybe not possible for me, at least for now, I tried to channel all that self-destructive energy into making myself a more comfortable life in the meantime.

I hope your therapy appointments are helpful. In any case, leaving the house once a week is better than never leaving it at all. Baby steps.

 

[Final Escape]

This is exactly what I have as well. I don't know what to do about it. I'm in limbo. If I feel a tinge of motivation I feel slightly positive and decide ok not yet but then the constant lows reinforce that this will not get better. I'm on a teeter totter regularly. I wish this would stop and I was constistent to go one way or another. This is so torturous.

 

[Dreamcolleger]

This is exactly what I have as well. I don't know what to do about it. I'm in limbo. If I feel a tinge of motivation I feel slightly positive and decide ok not yet but then the constant lows reinforce that this will not get better. I'm on a teeter totter regularly. I wish this would stop and I was constistent to go one way or another. This is so torturous.

This was me for the first month, ever since I have been dead set on my decision.

 

[Rollinggirl]

I feel this crushing weight on me everyday