"I'm not responsible from the experiences or the programming I had as a kid, yet, as an adult, I'm 100% Responsible to fix them."
From a positive POV, I think this is because the most other people can give is an apology in many cases, so I'll still be the one to fix things... The other POV though, it feels like this quote actually protects abusers, as they can technically do whatever they want with no consequences, as society will expect their victims to fix themselves, and if they can't, they're the toxic ones.
How can I undo years of damaged mental thoughts? As well as wrong ideas, toxic points of view, self-pity and so on... Time has begun to run out.
God... I don't know if I'm turning insane, or if I've already been insane for a long, long time... My current psychologist told me perhaps that's the way I truly see the world, and I've internalized this concept so much: "people pity me or tolerate me instead of truly caring", that my subconscious mind probably makes me act in such a way to let those thoughts become reality.
The only college friend I have (or had, if what I told him destroyed the friendship), told me I could rely on him to ask help or stuff like that (I believed him), but he also said someone we both know said I could count on her as well. Someone I haven't spoken to in two years. Someone who didn't even reach out to talk directly, and instead used our mutual friend as a way to communicate... I didn't believe that... Told my friend I care about her, but just as classmates, and that I wished to make more friends at college, but now it's far too late, as too much time has passed... He said sometimes we can't make more friends and we should treasure the ones we have, but I'm afraid I came off as an ungrateful prick...
Honestly... I truly hate when people just pretend to care, or when they give empty words... It feels like, I'm just worthy of pity friendships or empty platitudes, that people dislike me so much they always keep their distance and the only two choices I have are:
a) Pretend everything's fine and that I believe them.
b) Tell them I don't like what they're doing, or they don't have to talk to me if they don't want to (usually, this choice gives me a new enemy, happened in college).
It feels like I can't stand up for myself, or say what I truly think, because otherwise people would hate me... And in this year, so far I've gained a lot of people's hatred, including a failed internet friendship, an old friend I lost because I said I couldn't help him with something, and, I truly hope to God this is not the case, maybe my two first cousins just tolerate me at most, or they're not comfortable being around me...
Maybe I'm far too gone... Far to rotten that even my aura releases so much toxicity, that only my most immediate family, and perhaps a few friends can see beyond, but otherwise... I think my fate might be suicide by a broken heart and loneliness... It already drove me to try to CTB in 2.020 and 2.021...
What's funny is, many friends I've had or currently have are people I didn't get along with at first, but started to change and eventually we solved our differences to create a bond... Very few were those I got along nicely at the beginning... Fixing 25 Years of emotional babbage, thought patterns and bad experiences may take months or years of therapy only to be undone...
At this point, I don't really care if I'm going to be hated anymore... Why prolong the inevitable? I know I can't escape my own nature, I know I can't escape reality, so then I'm ready to bear the hatred of others... If many of my efforts were in vain, why bother? I spent twelve years trying to explain my actions, to prove that I didn't have ill intent, to show that I cared about others, but it wasn't enough... If I'm probably going to rot alone, so be it, but it shall be on my own terms...
From a positive POV, I think this is because the most other people can give is an apology in many cases, so I'll still be the one to fix things... The other POV though, it feels like this quote actually protects abusers, as they can technically do whatever they want with no consequences, as society will expect their victims to fix themselves, and if they can't, they're the toxic ones.
How can I undo years of damaged mental thoughts? As well as wrong ideas, toxic points of view, self-pity and so on... Time has begun to run out.
God... I don't know if I'm turning insane, or if I've already been insane for a long, long time... My current psychologist told me perhaps that's the way I truly see the world, and I've internalized this concept so much: "people pity me or tolerate me instead of truly caring", that my subconscious mind probably makes me act in such a way to let those thoughts become reality.
The only college friend I have (or had, if what I told him destroyed the friendship), told me I could rely on him to ask help or stuff like that (I believed him), but he also said someone we both know said I could count on her as well. Someone I haven't spoken to in two years. Someone who didn't even reach out to talk directly, and instead used our mutual friend as a way to communicate... I didn't believe that... Told my friend I care about her, but just as classmates, and that I wished to make more friends at college, but now it's far too late, as too much time has passed... He said sometimes we can't make more friends and we should treasure the ones we have, but I'm afraid I came off as an ungrateful prick...
Honestly... I truly hate when people just pretend to care, or when they give empty words... It feels like, I'm just worthy of pity friendships or empty platitudes, that people dislike me so much they always keep their distance and the only two choices I have are:
a) Pretend everything's fine and that I believe them.
b) Tell them I don't like what they're doing, or they don't have to talk to me if they don't want to (usually, this choice gives me a new enemy, happened in college).
It feels like I can't stand up for myself, or say what I truly think, because otherwise people would hate me... And in this year, so far I've gained a lot of people's hatred, including a failed internet friendship, an old friend I lost because I said I couldn't help him with something, and, I truly hope to God this is not the case, maybe my two first cousins just tolerate me at most, or they're not comfortable being around me...
Maybe I'm far too gone... Far to rotten that even my aura releases so much toxicity, that only my most immediate family, and perhaps a few friends can see beyond, but otherwise... I think my fate might be suicide by a broken heart and loneliness... It already drove me to try to CTB in 2.020 and 2.021...
What's funny is, many friends I've had or currently have are people I didn't get along with at first, but started to change and eventually we solved our differences to create a bond... Very few were those I got along nicely at the beginning... Fixing 25 Years of emotional babbage, thought patterns and bad experiences may take months or years of therapy only to be undone...
At this point, I don't really care if I'm going to be hated anymore... Why prolong the inevitable? I know I can't escape my own nature, I know I can't escape reality, so then I'm ready to bear the hatred of others... If many of my efforts were in vain, why bother? I spent twelve years trying to explain my actions, to prove that I didn't have ill intent, to show that I cared about others, but it wasn't enough... If I'm probably going to rot alone, so be it, but it shall be on my own terms...
