Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
I know I wanted to be completely cut off/forgotten but... it's scary to reconcile with.
I'll forever be wavering like "am I ready to die?" "Can I go through with it"
I just needed less input bc lately at my own fault of over interacting with my family it just really fucking dragged me down. Made me tired in ways I can't explain. Aside from that it's just hard being suicidal so often.
I don't feel like its a good idea for me to be engaged with anyone regularly right now anyway. I just don't feel... like I can. Or that it's fair to them. I feel toxic wheb suicidal just bc I am feeling a lot and all that.
On monday my friend said that I am one of her biggest cheerleaders in life and I lift her up a lot and stuff... its hard to believe that's tru. I know I am a very kind hearted person but It's hard for me to see how I can be positive influence when I struggle so much with so many things...
Why did I ever allow myself to make friends
it felt good to be accepted and finally start to find my chosen family but... I dunno... 
I'm kinda upset at the mutual acquaintance bc I am realizing some of their comments made me feel a way that isn't easy to reverse. Its my own feelings and I'm not like blaming em for anything but it def trigger some trauma responses in me... that made me not want to be around anyone . Sighhhsss it's just hard all around in many ways. Trauma sucks and it takes a long time to reverse it and somethings/people can be huge setbacks.
Im my own setback so I don't really need any help with that kinda thing Talking to my family didn't help either so it was just a combination of things like to be real thess last month or so have been MAX stress and beyond my own tolerance. That I understand..I've had like 2 nervous breakdowns. I haven't really been talking as much to supports and well... yeah. Here I am. I guess if I were to try to get outta this and live again I'd know where to start and thats reassuring but no. I will not allow myself to falter. I will not be caught in the cycle of trying to live- realizing it's not possible for me/beyond what I can handle - back to trying to die.
Oh how I wish suicide was a little easier. I guess this is just another sogn that I am getting closer and closer. I'm more scared/survival instincts kicking in. I'm not gonna rush anything but I worry if I don't I'll get convinced/convince myself that living is bearable. Then only to realize a short time after that it isn't at all for me...
Just watching mundane youtube videos to keep my mind busy enough. REALLY need my body to allow me to fucking sleep UGH.
it's probably the fucking stress of living and the stress of trying to die that is triggering my sleep issues to be even worse
So, im just scared. This is the most isolated I've even allowed myself to get in years. Isolation does not help my mental health. Im aware of that. I can't handle the guilt & shame of staying in contact with anyone though.
Ughhhhhh I really hope I fucking am able to sleep. Gonna put suicide off my mind for a bit / reassure myself that it is ok / I will this time but I just feel pressure bc I feel like everything is stacked against me in living and dying.
Just a stuck fucking mess. But alas. Gonna just try to relax this evening and get some freaking sleep at the very least.
I'll forever be wavering like "am I ready to die?" "Can I go through with it"
I just needed less input bc lately at my own fault of over interacting with my family it just really fucking dragged me down. Made me tired in ways I can't explain. Aside from that it's just hard being suicidal so often.
I don't feel like its a good idea for me to be engaged with anyone regularly right now anyway. I just don't feel... like I can. Or that it's fair to them. I feel toxic wheb suicidal just bc I am feeling a lot and all that.
On monday my friend said that I am one of her biggest cheerleaders in life and I lift her up a lot and stuff... its hard to believe that's tru. I know I am a very kind hearted person but It's hard for me to see how I can be positive influence when I struggle so much with so many things...
Why did I ever allow myself to make friends
it felt good to be accepted and finally start to find my chosen family but... I dunno... I'm kinda upset at the mutual acquaintance bc I am realizing some of their comments made me feel a way that isn't easy to reverse. Its my own feelings and I'm not like blaming em for anything but it def trigger some trauma responses in me... that made me not want to be around anyone . Sighhhsss it's just hard all around in many ways. Trauma sucks and it takes a long time to reverse it and somethings/people can be huge setbacks. Im my own setback so I don't really need any help with that kinda thing
Talking to my family didn't help either so it was just a combination of things like to be real thess last month or so have been MAX stress and beyond my own tolerance. That I understand..I've had like 2 nervous breakdowns. I haven't really been talking as much to supports and well... yeah. Here I am. I guess if I were to try to get outta this and live again I'd know where to start and thats reassuring but no. I will not allow myself to falter. I will not be caught in the cycle of trying to live- realizing it's not possible for me/beyond what I can handle - back to trying to die. Oh how I wish suicide was a little easier. I guess this is just another sogn that I am getting closer and closer. I'm more scared/survival instincts kicking in. I'm not gonna rush anything but I worry if I don't I'll get convinced/convince myself that living is bearable. Then only to realize a short time after that it isn't at all for me...
Just watching mundane youtube videos to keep my mind busy enough. REALLY need my body to allow me to fucking sleep UGH.
it's probably the fucking stress of living and the stress of trying to die that is triggering my sleep issues to be even worse
So, im just scared. This is the most isolated I've even allowed myself to get in years. Isolation does not help my mental health. Im aware of that. I can't handle the guilt & shame of staying in contact with anyone though.
Ughhhhhh I really hope I fucking am able to sleep. Gonna put suicide off my mind for a bit / reassure myself that it is ok / I will this time but I just feel pressure bc I feel like everything is stacked against me in living and dying.
Just a stuck fucking mess. But alas. Gonna just try to relax this evening and get some freaking sleep at the very least.
Last edited:
