todiefor
Scrap that, nothing matters at all after all
- Jun 24, 2023
- 472
I don't know what to say, I feel too stressed to even ctb right now, even though I have everything ready. I know I should at least formalise a will to provide better for my parents and maybe write down my shitty story, so people can feel less guilty, and also so people at lead would know what happened, that I have been thoroughly abused for a year, there was so much cruelty, so much ridicule, put downs, gas lighting, false hopes, then rapidly abandoned. I have long paragraphs of reasons I've already written, very rational and not very rational ones, but all leading to the same thing. I don't know who to send them to, who would want to know, it will either hurt people and make them feel guilty that they didn't know, or that people would just feel annoyed to read such outpouring of emotions, why should they care, just some sad woman who can't figure out life or handle major change and failure in life and ctded. My ctd would just make my abuser's life so much easier, probably what they have been going for all year.
I wanted my ctd at the very least to be controlled and on my own terms, but even that is been hastened by my abuser.
Should I just end it all and not worry about the will and the story, after all who cares? I'm already dead? Why do I even care?
I just can't cope with the concept of someone I have trusted for 10 years could all of a sudden turn on me and spew the most vile things, telling me they've always hated me the last 10 years, that I did everything wrong, that I deserve to die, that all our friends and family hate me and will be glad to be rid of me, and to walk back everything we've agreed on, tell me I imagined everything, I've told me repeatedly that I am very suicidal and reallh just need him to give me some common human compassion and lay off but he hasn't he just keep pushing on, when i began to have panic attacks he would laugh and slam the door in my face to leave me alone in the house, and there's so much more vile detail. I just don't understand, I still look at his face with love, I don't quite know how to turn it off or what is happening, but it's all too much. have I been delusional this whole 10 years? is this his true face?
I wanted my ctd at the very least to be controlled and on my own terms, but even that is been hastened by my abuser.
Should I just end it all and not worry about the will and the story, after all who cares? I'm already dead? Why do I even care?
I just can't cope with the concept of someone I have trusted for 10 years could all of a sudden turn on me and spew the most vile things, telling me they've always hated me the last 10 years, that I did everything wrong, that I deserve to die, that all our friends and family hate me and will be glad to be rid of me, and to walk back everything we've agreed on, tell me I imagined everything, I've told me repeatedly that I am very suicidal and reallh just need him to give me some common human compassion and lay off but he hasn't he just keep pushing on, when i began to have panic attacks he would laugh and slam the door in my face to leave me alone in the house, and there's so much more vile detail. I just don't understand, I still look at his face with love, I don't quite know how to turn it off or what is happening, but it's all too much. have I been delusional this whole 10 years? is this his true face?
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