Help I'm exhausted

[Breadbfra]

I hate to be posting so much but I love this community and it's been the only thing to bring me joy for a while. I met wonderful people too.

But I can't do this anymore. I was depressed before covid19, but before that I was able to have dreams, hope, and everything else, and I was good with K treatments. Then Covid arrived and I became suicidal again after 6 years. As I said in my previous posts, I'm engaged to a girl who lost her mother due to suicide in 2018 and she's still recovering. If I've known earlier about what I'd become in 2020, I wouldn't have gone further with her.

But I'm tired. I'm tired of living. I was doing good with an antidepressant, then the effects started fading. K treatments don't sork anymore and Madrid is still in lockdown and I can't fly there. I tried everything to keep myself busy and alive. I kept reading about people losing their beloved to suicide, I kept studying suicide, how it affects survivors, etc. I talked to a mother who lost her son due to hanging in 2006, I did everything to make me rethink about ctb'ing.
In August I bought SN, they said that the item couldn't be shipped in two weeks and I told them to lay off the order.
I started to think about opening a business. Italy is full of desperate people - I've got plenty of friends who started an OF to pay bills - and I tried with Switzerland.

Why am I writing this?
I'm a full depression crisis and I can't stop thinking about killing myself. Even when I'm reading, even when I'm sleeping I'm thinking about hanging somewhere. I started looking at hanging videos and I find them obnoxiously peaceful and I feel guilty about that. I envy those who commit suicide without blinking an eye. I started looking for suicide news everyday, thinking about people who had the guts to leave. I just want my life back. At the same time I want to die and live the life I lived before covid.
I can't leave my girlfriend. I'd destroy her life and my mother and father's since I'm an only child. I have loving and caring cousins, I'm very well financially speaking, etc, but I'm tired. Tired, and I just needed someone to vent with.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I can empathize with that very well. One of the reasons why I held back is because I did not want to hurt my girlfriend. Sometimes it feels like a trap you cannot escape from. Covid makes everything difficult, on top of everything else people like us have. I wish you the best, Breadbfra, and I'm glad you feel welcome to vent on this amazing site.

 

[Breadbfra]

I can empathize with that very well. One of the reasons why I held back is because I did not want to hurt my girlfriend. Sometimes it feels like a trap you cannot escape from. Covid makes everything difficult, on top of everything else people like us have. I wish you the best, Breadbfra, and I'm glad you feel welcome to vent on this amazing site.

Thank you mate. I hope it'll become better one day for you too

 

[watsonsmith]

I'm really sorry you came to this point.

Two things resonated with me in your message – I too wish I could take back time to the end of last year before my life just completely got off the rails. And I also empathise with the obsessive thoughts about suicide, each day I wait to fall asleep and dread waking up when I have to face my racing mind again.

Incidentally, I just joined a ketamine treatment programme, perhaps I'd be dead by now if I didn't do that (haven't started the treatment yet, but I am in a psych ward).

I wish I could offer any consolation, as for you, this board and its great community is the only thing that has kept me going these last couple of months. It stands out to me that you are so considerate for your partner, parents and relatives. All the best.

 

[Breadbfra]

I'm really sorry you came to this point.

Two things resonated with me in your message – I too wish I could take back time to the end of last year before my life just completely got off the rails. And I also empathise with the obsessive thoughts about suicide, each day I wait to fall asleep and dread waking up when I have to face my racing mind again.

Incidentally, I just joined a ketamine treatment programme, perhaps I'd be dead by now if I didn't do that (haven't started the treatment yet, but I am in a psych ward).

I wish I could offer any consolation, as for you, this board and its great community is the only thing that has kept me going these last couple of months. It stands out to me that you are so considerate for your partner, parents and relatives. All the best.

Tell me how it goes with ketamine.
Unluckily (or not) I'm too compassionate towards everything near me, to be honest. I can't imagine my gf crying to another suicide grave.

 

[watsonsmith]

I'll be posting updates on the ketamine treatment in this thread (ironically I got accepted into the programme the same day my SN was supposed to arrive): https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...the-same-day-sn-was-supposed-to-arrive.48929/

I understand the downsides of being this compassionate in your circumstances, but then this is where I believe humanity should be moving towards – more compassion and empathy. I want to believe we will get there one day, for now it seems the burden is on the more sensitive people like many of us here. And we are paying for it in a society that just collectively isn't quite there yet. In a way I'd love for people here to overcome their issues and be a part of this change, but in many cases it is just impossible. What I am saying is thank you that you are out there and my thoughts go out to you.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's hard living for others, and I can imagine how trapped that situation makes you feel. Is there anything nice you can do for yourself? Is there a particular yummy snack you like?

 

[Breadbfra]

It's hard living for others, and I can imagine how trapped that situation makes you feel. Is there anything nice you can do for yourself? Is there a particular yummy snack you like?

I'm starting to baking more bread at home (I'm a professional baker), but it doesn't seem to help :/

I'll be posting updates on the ketamine treatment in this thread (ironically I got accepted into the programme the same day my SN was supposed to arrive): https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...the-same-day-sn-was-supposed-to-arrive.48929/

I understand the downsides of being this compassionate in your circumstances, but then this is where I believe humanity should be moving towards – more compassion and empathy. I want to believe we will get there one day, for now it seems the burden is on the more sensitive people like many of us here. And we are paying for it in a society that just collectively isn't quite there yet. In a way I'd love for people here to overcome their issues and be a part of this change, but in many cases it is just impossible. What I am saying is thank you that you are out there and my thoughts go out to you.

I couldn't have explained it better. Mine too. Sending hugs

 

[Panna]

Parroting rosey, sometimes life can easily be a bit more managable with a simple pleasure like that. Something, or anything to keep the thoughts at bay, it might be delusion but if it can help you to feel better for even a moment, it's worth it.

 

[Silver]

I had the same constant obsession with suicide not long ago. While it's reassuring, it also keeps you trapped in that same line of thinking and normalises it.

This sounds a bit silly but is there any chance of having a weekend or week's holiday somewhere? Maybe you won't be able to enjoy it, but sometimes doing something different and being elsewhere is a distraction.

 

[Breadbfra]

I had the same constant obsession with suicide not long ago. While it's reassuring, it also keeps you trapped in that same line of thinking and normalises it.

This sounds a bit silly but is there any chance of having a weekend or week's holiday somewhere? Maybe you won't be able to enjoy it, but sometimes doing something different and being elsewhere is a distraction.

Trapped in the same line is the correct sentence for what I feel. I have to finish a book about a girl who died in a car in 1985, called "a suicide history, my sister's unfinished life" and it has been literall haunting me.
I'll be in Zurich for 8 days starting from monday. I'm feeling better only when i'm out or with my gf, or when i'm smoking or drinking. But when I come home everything starts worsening again. I live in the middle of nowhere (no people live near me), my father became depressed too after covid and my mom works basically everyday, so you can imagine how happy is the damn air in this house

 

[gayprince.exe]

I personally think everyone is in their own right to be "selfish" and want to kill themselves. I'm not encouraging or discouraging any decisions you will make but just know that your emotions are completely valid.

 

[Breadbfra]

I had the same constant obsession with suicide not long ago. While it's reassuring, it also keeps you trapped in that same line of thinking and normalises it.

This sounds a bit silly but is there any chance of having a weekend or week's holiday somewhere? Maybe you won't be able to enjoy it, but sometimes doing something different and being elsewhere is a distraction.

Also I forgto to add that someway thinking about my mother in law suicide is worsening my condition. Everytime I get to visit them i always think "how can this family be so happy", "where did she hang" (1st time thought), etc

 

[tidalwxves]

I hate to be posting so much but I love this community and it's been the only thing to bring me joy for a while. I met wonderful people too.

But I can't do this anymore. I was depressed before covid19, but before that I was able to have dreams, hope, and everything else, and I was good with K treatments. Then Covid arrived and I became suicidal again after 6 years. As I said in my previous posts, I'm engaged to a girl who lost her mother due to suicide in 2018 and she's still recovering. If I've known earlier about what I'd become in 2020, I wouldn't have gone further with her.

But I'm tired. I'm tired of living. I was doing good with an antidepressant, then the effects started fading. K treatments don't sork anymore and Madrid is still in lockdown and I can't fly there. I tried everything to keep myself busy and alive. I kept reading about people losing their beloved to suicide, I kept studying suicide, how it affects survivors, etc. I talked to a mother who lost her son due to hanging in 2006, I did everything to make me rethink about ctb'ing.
In August I bought SN, they said that the item couldn't be shipped in two weeks and I told them to lay off the order.
I started to think about opening a business. Italy is full of desperate people - I've got plenty of friends who started an OF to pay bills - and I tried with Switzerland.

Why am I writing this?
I'm a full depression crisis and I can't stop thinking about killing myself. Even when I'm reading, even when I'm sleeping I'm thinking about hanging somewhere. I started looking at hanging videos and I find them obnoxiously peaceful and I feel guilty about that. I envy those who commit suicide without blinking an eye. I started looking for suicide news everyday, thinking about people who had the guts to leave. I just want my life back. At the same time I want to die and live the life I lived before covid.
I can't leave my girlfriend. I'd destroy her life and my mother and father's since I'm an only child. I have loving and caring cousins, I'm very well financially speaking, etc, but I'm tired. Tired, and I just needed someone to vent with.

I'm proud of you for sharing this, I know putting all this out there was not easy. I'm sorry to hear about how dark this year has been for you. Please, talk to your girlfriend and your parents about this. They love you! If we, strangers on the internet see you as brave and will honor your story, the people who actually know you and are invested in your well being would want to know whats going on. Also, please talk to whatever doctors you have available about whats going on in your help, please get counseling if you need to talk because we are not professionals and while we will listen a professional is best equipped to help you make a plan to heal. Again, I'm sorry the wright has been so much for you but I'm encouraged by the fact you opened up here. I hope things turn around for you!

 

[Breadbfra]

I'm proud of you for sharing this, I know putting all this out there was not easy. I'm sorry to hear about how dark this year has been for you. Please, talk to your girlfriend and your parents about this. They love you! If we, strangers on the internet see you as brave and will honor your story, the people who actually know you and are invested in your well being would want to know whats going on. Also, please talk to whatever doctors you have available about whats going on in your help, please get counseling if you need to talk because we are not professionals and while we will listen a professional is best equipped to help you make a plan to heal. Again, I'm sorry the wright has been so much for you but I'm encouraged by the fact you opened up here. I hope things turn around for you!

I really like this message, seriously. I truly appreciate it. I'm already in therapy and she helps me a lot. Thanks, I hope everything will be better for you too soon.