Venting I'm drowning

[sleepingrabbit]

I can't talk about my true thoughts on suicide with my therapist because they, like everything therapist I've ever encountered, will want to have me committed.

I can't spend my entire life in a psych ward just because everyone is hellbent on throwing me in one the second I open my mouth about wanting to kill myself. I always want to kill myself and at this point that's probably never going to change entirely.

No one ever seems to do anything to help that isn't just throwing another "baby's first coping mechanism" at me hoping it'll keep me stable enough not to jump in the road. It's like bandaids vs surgery.

When I'm drowning, nothing being offered as a life raft is ever truly enough. I still feel alone. Even with support I still feel alone.

What's worse is that I can't talk about what's bothering me because therapists freak out the second things get too dark and I'm saying something they just don't know how to respond to. Which means I can't talk about how the first thing I want to do in the morning 7-9 times out of 10 is not be awake - either by being asleep and unaware of the world or by killing myself. If I try to, they start thinking about hitting the panic button and calling another mental hospital.

Everyone says they want to help me, but no one actually helps. I'm putting in the work myself, I've worked so hard to stay alive and try and improve my outlook, life, whatever! Therapy, support network, pills, etc.

So why do I still feel like I'm the only one I actually CAN rely on?

That's why I keep it so close to my chest that I don't think it's ever going to get better. And I don't even really care if it does anymore. I just want to be gone regardless. I just want relief.

No one wants to hear me say stuff like this, but that just means I have no where to say it. No place but here to let the thought be heard.

 

[COP2CON]

I hear you and I'm sorry. I haven't been over good lately at making anyone feel better but like I said, I heard you and I'm sorry for what your going through. Because of the ADHD, I also have to say I love your avatar because I have a disturbing amount of love for rabbits. I hope the pressure subsides my friend.

 

[Realog11]

I can't talk about my true thoughts on suicide with my therapist because they, like everything therapist I've ever encountered, will want to have me committed.

I can't spend my entire life in a psych ward just because everyone is hellbent on throwing me in one the second I open my mouth about wanting to kill myself. I always want to kill myself and at this point that's probably never going to change entirely.

No one ever seems to do anything to help that isn't just throwing another "baby's first coping mechanism" at me hoping it'll keep me stable enough not to jump in the road. It's like bandaids vs surgery.

When I'm drowning, nothing being offered as a life raft is ever truly enough. I still feel alone. Even with support I still feel alone.

What's worse is that I can't talk about what's bothering me because therapists freak out the second things get too dark and I'm saying something they just don't know how to respond to. Which means I can't talk about how the first thing I want to do in the morning 7-9 times out of 10 is not be awake - either by being asleep and unaware of the world or by killing myself. If I try to, they start thinking about hitting the panic button and calling another mental hospital.

Everyone says they want to help me, but no one actually helps. I'm putting in the work myself, I've worked so hard to stay alive and try and improve my outlook, life, whatever! Therapy, support network, pills, etc.

So why do I still feel like I'm the only one I actually CAN rely on?

That's why I keep it so close to my chest that I don't think it's ever going to get better. And I don't even really care if it does anymore. I just want to be gone regardless. I just want relief.

No one wants to hear me say stuff like this, but that just means I have no where to say it. No place but here to let the thought be heard.

Same, when i attempt I don't wanna survive and go back to the psych ward

 

[heatnormal]

I can't talk about my true thoughts on suicide with my therapist because they, like everything therapist I've ever encountered, will want to have me committed.

i'm sorry you feel like this too; i get it, i painfully do. talking to a therapist can feel like trying to communicate with someone by smoke signals. how can you be truthful to a person who has an upper hand on you? i've heard there are unicorn therapists who aren't keen on sending their clients to a psych ward, but they're rare.

Everyone says they want to help me, but no one actually helps. I'm putting in the work myself, I've worked so hard to stay alive and try and improve my outlook, life, whatever! Therapy, support network, pills, etc.

i think the problem is that "support" and "help" are hard to define and hard to execute. how would you like people to support you? what causes you the most hardship? people who mean well often throw these phrases around because, frankly, they don't know what else they can do.

it's incredibly hard to get out of this mindset that everyone is out to get you and open up again. rambling on this site is a good start -- have you made a crisis protocol for yourself, or do you tough it out?

i hope it gets better for you.

 

[sleepingrabbit]

i'm sorry you feel like this too; i get it, i painfully do. talking to a therapist can feel like trying to communicate with someone by smoke signals. how can you be truthful to a person who has an upper hand on you? i've heard there are unicorn therapists who aren't keen on sending their clients to a psych ward, but they're rare.


i think the problem is that "support" and "help" are hard to define and hard to execute. how would you like people to support you? what causes you the most hardship? people who mean well often throw these phrases around because, frankly, they don't know what else they can do.

it's incredibly hard to get out of this mindset that everyone is out to get you and open up again. rambling on this site is a good start -- have you made a crisis protocol for yourself, or do you tough it out?

i hope it gets better for you.

I think in most cases, when I express these feelings I want to be able to talk about them openly to the extent that I experience them without feeling like I'm being looked at like a freak for doing so. If I could do that, then I could then get to the heart of my problems and get to a point where maybe I don't feel this way all the time. But because I can't express such feelings without instantly getting padded cell treatment, it's quite hard to do that.

What tend to cause me the most trouble is that I have lots of taboo intrusive thoughts due to OCD and aggressive impulses due to PTSD issues. I can't talk about taboo intrusive thoughts to get help / treatment for them without running the risk that those will be seen as legitimate thoughts / desires on my part, and I'm afraid to talk about how my PTSD can make me instinctively react more aggressively to things because I don't want to be viewed as "dangerous."

I work very hard not to act on any aggressive impulses that I have due to trauma responses of mine, but being proud of myself for that won't keep other people from making assumptions. Same with my OCD issues; I work very hard to remind myself that these thoughts aren't real but if I express them in full they can still be taken legitimately. Because I'm so focused on only saying enough about what's going on in my head to give a censored understanding of things that won't get me treated like a horrible person, I never feel like I can be honest about what I'm struggling with. So when it gets too heavy to carry those burdens and I spiral into depressive symptoms of mine, I'm essentially alone by "choice."

To answer your other question, I do have a support network AND several crisis protocols for myself. Most of which are basically R&R and some level of breathing exercises.

I can talk vaguely to my friends when I'm struggling, but I don't talk much about my problems to the true extent that I experience them because again, I don't want to freak out my loved ones. It doesn't feel like I can be helped much due to the severity of my issues and how bad things generally are. But as the title of my initial post suggests, this leaves me drowning.