exhaustedanonymous
everything that lives is gone to waste
- Nov 14, 2022
- 135
i just had to say this somewhere that people understand. ever since my ex left me around a six weeks ago, ive been loosing more and more of myself. my hobbies. i always had a passion for art but my art block due to stress got so bad that i can't physically make myself try to draw anymore. i don't have any interest in story-telling or video game creation like i used too, even though ive learned how to code the motivation or interest is just gone. the stories i make in my head are haphazard and useless, and they don't come as easily anymore, i have to force myself to try to come up with anything where as it used to just come. even on the "good days" my previous joys just seem.. lifeless. useless. gone. chunks of me are missing.
after my personal pursuits went, my educational ones did too. i have overdue assignments and essays and so many things i have to do but instead i find myself just researching more and more ways to kill myself. i can't focus on anything other than suicide or her for long enough to achieve anything, or even to make myself feel better. during the first week i could self regulate and try to be calm and be okay but i cant deny this anymore. i really tried with everything in me to get better and self reassure and learn and heal but there's something genuinely wrong with me and that's never going to change. it's been here all along.
i spoke with her maybe two weeks ago and essentially she did tell me it was all my fault. my mental illness grew too strong for her to handle it. i'm too much and i always was and she's brilliant so there's no way in hell she'll ever need, want, miss or even remember me. she's the type of person people fall over themselves for. i don't know why she loved me in the first place but any trace of that is long gone. she told me i could do it, i could commit, if i wanted too. it doesn't make a difference anymore.
(ed & sh tw)
i've had a relapse with an eating disorder. i keep just putting things in my mouth to try to give some sort of taste or brain stimuli to distract me from the anguish i'm constantly feeling but it doesn't help. but i keep doing it. over and over i zone out and just.. eat. i'm gaining weight and it's horrible. i always feel bloated and even more miserable lately. over the past couple days ive had an even worse relapse with cutting. i really tried to keep myself away from any visual indicators to other people but i couldn't help it and i diced the skin from my upper thigh over my hips and to my sides. it only stops right below my ribs and it's a bunch of angry red marks, none of with are further than maybe three centimeters from each other, and they burn and twist whenever i change position or move my leg at all.
i suffer from hallucinations and they've been getting worse too. the mutters, the whispers, the weird barely-coherent words of people either telling me to do it or telling me to do worse things surround me at all times. i can still almost feel her touching me where i hurt myself or kissing my forehead like she used too and it's hell knowing that the woman who brought me back from the dead is leaving me to fall and rot all over again, and my brain won't let me forget it. i can see my phone turning on with notifications, buzzing in my pockets, and things moving in the corners of my eyes until i'm constantly paranoid and surveying my surroundings constantly as if i'm being stalked in my own bedroom. i'm going insane. i'm driving myself insane.
my relationships with friends and family is just getting more and more strained. i can feel everyone around me trying and wanting to just give up on me since i've been like this almost forever in waves and it's only getting worse and worse. i'm only stressing everyone else out and making them feel bad that they can't help me, but no one can. no one could.
obviously, my suicidal idealization has gotten worse. this rant doesnt even include the trauma and constant triggers i have to deal with every day because i don't want to explain everything about how i was groomed as a kid and whatever. i don't care to explain it. i'm not sure anyone even really reads these.
the doctors have been rejecting me because i'm too much of a complicated patient to take on right now and the suicide hotlines have genuinely hung up on me because i was hyperventilating so bad i couldn't breathe at all or respond to any of the things they asked. all i'm always hearing now is to get professional help but the professionals don't want me. my current doctors said they can't continue with me and no one else wants to take me. everyone knows i'm devolving, barely a person anymore, and that it doesn't matter because i'll be gone soon. no one looses anything when i take my life. if anything, they loose a distraction or a useless piece of dust in their path. my family has told me if i have another episode like this, or if this keeps happening, i'll either get institutionalized or sent to a "wilderness therapy camp"
i'm zoned out all of the time and going to parties or even fucking college feels hopeless. i'm completely different from everyone around me and they can all tell and don't want to engage. i'm ugly and my sense of self is leaving as much of the rest of me is. i can't tell what i really look like or what my body looks like or just.. anything. i can't tell anything.
i can't sleep from constant dreams or nightmares about her that are so vivid my stomach is churning when i wake up and i feel like i wouldn't hesitate to jump on the tracks at all if only trains were self-driving.
so, for conlusion: none of my old hobbies or motivations seem at all interesting. i can't draw, can't code, can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop hurting myself, can't stop the hallucinations, can't talk to a doctor, can't talk to a friend, can't talk to family, can't distract myself with anything, can't stop thinking about her, can't make myself feel better at all, can't get comfort from anything.. and somehow, i still feel like it's not the worst it could be. tomorrow i'll loose more of what i used to be and that'll keep happening until i somehow stress myself out so bad i go into self-comatose or kill myself. there's no saving me now.
people say time heals all wounds but i've done nothing but get progressively worse, progressively more miserable, and progressively more sure that i just have to kill myself to get it over with. i'm done.
today is me and her's anniversary and i know it doesn't matter to her. i'm not sure if she remembers. i really thought i'd be dead by now but i can't figure out how to get the supplies i need with an iban credit card instead of the right credit card numbers. fuck germany. every second i'm alive after last midnight feels like stolen time. i'm not supposed to be here. i don't feel comfortable in my skin and i'm so overwhelmed that the slightest movement of anything makes me cry into a fit of suicidal idealization. nothing helps and nothing could help anymore and it's just.. i don't know. i didnt want to commit suicide by train because of the trauma to the driver but i feel like i don't have any choice. i just want to overdose on something or buy sn and swallow and be done and be gone but i can't get anything and it's torture being conscious, and torture being subjected to the dreams i have while asleep.
people keep telling me i have options but i really really don't. i live, loosing every part of myself, slowly waiting my body and mind fall apart, or i kill myself while i still have some dignity. it's not a fair choice. i have to kill myself. i'm backed into a corner by life and i don't even have the energy to be spiteful of it. i just want to drink something horribly toxic and go to bed and never wake up and be gone. be done.
i'm so, so tired.
after my personal pursuits went, my educational ones did too. i have overdue assignments and essays and so many things i have to do but instead i find myself just researching more and more ways to kill myself. i can't focus on anything other than suicide or her for long enough to achieve anything, or even to make myself feel better. during the first week i could self regulate and try to be calm and be okay but i cant deny this anymore. i really tried with everything in me to get better and self reassure and learn and heal but there's something genuinely wrong with me and that's never going to change. it's been here all along.
i spoke with her maybe two weeks ago and essentially she did tell me it was all my fault. my mental illness grew too strong for her to handle it. i'm too much and i always was and she's brilliant so there's no way in hell she'll ever need, want, miss or even remember me. she's the type of person people fall over themselves for. i don't know why she loved me in the first place but any trace of that is long gone. she told me i could do it, i could commit, if i wanted too. it doesn't make a difference anymore.
(ed & sh tw)
i've had a relapse with an eating disorder. i keep just putting things in my mouth to try to give some sort of taste or brain stimuli to distract me from the anguish i'm constantly feeling but it doesn't help. but i keep doing it. over and over i zone out and just.. eat. i'm gaining weight and it's horrible. i always feel bloated and even more miserable lately. over the past couple days ive had an even worse relapse with cutting. i really tried to keep myself away from any visual indicators to other people but i couldn't help it and i diced the skin from my upper thigh over my hips and to my sides. it only stops right below my ribs and it's a bunch of angry red marks, none of with are further than maybe three centimeters from each other, and they burn and twist whenever i change position or move my leg at all.
i suffer from hallucinations and they've been getting worse too. the mutters, the whispers, the weird barely-coherent words of people either telling me to do it or telling me to do worse things surround me at all times. i can still almost feel her touching me where i hurt myself or kissing my forehead like she used too and it's hell knowing that the woman who brought me back from the dead is leaving me to fall and rot all over again, and my brain won't let me forget it. i can see my phone turning on with notifications, buzzing in my pockets, and things moving in the corners of my eyes until i'm constantly paranoid and surveying my surroundings constantly as if i'm being stalked in my own bedroom. i'm going insane. i'm driving myself insane.
my relationships with friends and family is just getting more and more strained. i can feel everyone around me trying and wanting to just give up on me since i've been like this almost forever in waves and it's only getting worse and worse. i'm only stressing everyone else out and making them feel bad that they can't help me, but no one can. no one could.
obviously, my suicidal idealization has gotten worse. this rant doesnt even include the trauma and constant triggers i have to deal with every day because i don't want to explain everything about how i was groomed as a kid and whatever. i don't care to explain it. i'm not sure anyone even really reads these.
the doctors have been rejecting me because i'm too much of a complicated patient to take on right now and the suicide hotlines have genuinely hung up on me because i was hyperventilating so bad i couldn't breathe at all or respond to any of the things they asked. all i'm always hearing now is to get professional help but the professionals don't want me. my current doctors said they can't continue with me and no one else wants to take me. everyone knows i'm devolving, barely a person anymore, and that it doesn't matter because i'll be gone soon. no one looses anything when i take my life. if anything, they loose a distraction or a useless piece of dust in their path. my family has told me if i have another episode like this, or if this keeps happening, i'll either get institutionalized or sent to a "wilderness therapy camp"
i'm zoned out all of the time and going to parties or even fucking college feels hopeless. i'm completely different from everyone around me and they can all tell and don't want to engage. i'm ugly and my sense of self is leaving as much of the rest of me is. i can't tell what i really look like or what my body looks like or just.. anything. i can't tell anything.
i can't sleep from constant dreams or nightmares about her that are so vivid my stomach is churning when i wake up and i feel like i wouldn't hesitate to jump on the tracks at all if only trains were self-driving.
so, for conlusion: none of my old hobbies or motivations seem at all interesting. i can't draw, can't code, can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop hurting myself, can't stop the hallucinations, can't talk to a doctor, can't talk to a friend, can't talk to family, can't distract myself with anything, can't stop thinking about her, can't make myself feel better at all, can't get comfort from anything.. and somehow, i still feel like it's not the worst it could be. tomorrow i'll loose more of what i used to be and that'll keep happening until i somehow stress myself out so bad i go into self-comatose or kill myself. there's no saving me now.
people say time heals all wounds but i've done nothing but get progressively worse, progressively more miserable, and progressively more sure that i just have to kill myself to get it over with. i'm done.
today is me and her's anniversary and i know it doesn't matter to her. i'm not sure if she remembers. i really thought i'd be dead by now but i can't figure out how to get the supplies i need with an iban credit card instead of the right credit card numbers. fuck germany. every second i'm alive after last midnight feels like stolen time. i'm not supposed to be here. i don't feel comfortable in my skin and i'm so overwhelmed that the slightest movement of anything makes me cry into a fit of suicidal idealization. nothing helps and nothing could help anymore and it's just.. i don't know. i didnt want to commit suicide by train because of the trauma to the driver but i feel like i don't have any choice. i just want to overdose on something or buy sn and swallow and be done and be gone but i can't get anything and it's torture being conscious, and torture being subjected to the dreams i have while asleep.
people keep telling me i have options but i really really don't. i live, loosing every part of myself, slowly waiting my body and mind fall apart, or i kill myself while i still have some dignity. it's not a fair choice. i have to kill myself. i'm backed into a corner by life and i don't even have the energy to be spiteful of it. i just want to drink something horribly toxic and go to bed and never wake up and be gone. be done.
i'm so, so tired.
