Venting I'm dead already

[Nanimoaru]

I've dealt with mental illness and depression all my life. Abusive mother, bullied at school you name it. I thought for 6 years I finally had something to live for.. I mean someone...His name was Thomas. He had a power unlike anything I'd ever seen before... he could quiet the screaming demons and the urges to self harm and destruct. I started to feel....safe, warm and I dare say happy. I was foolish to believe if I just stuck by his side, We would be together in time and this would be my HEA(happily ever after). But his happiness wasnt with me it never was and never will be. He deserves happiness, he is a great guy.He found someone else and I felt the worse pain in my chest. I finally realized it's me, it's always been me. Every relationship, every firing at a job, every misfortune was my fault and my fault alone. I will never marry or have a family. I will never amount to shit. Then I heard someone screaming loudly and then nothing. No feeling whatsoever. I or should I say the person I was died that day, Now this shell remains. I dont feel the need or urge to go out and interact. I dont feel the need to do anything to talk, to laugh, to smile. I simply exist and do what's expected of me now.
I think I'm finally ready to CTB
I used to be afraid but not anymore. I just have to plan and write my farewells.

 

[ctoan]

how did u fuck it up with thomas

 

[Nanimoaru]

how did u fuck it up with thomas

I dont know man. I wasnt good enough maybe or maybe I'm ugly, but he has a new girl now and frankly maybe me dying with cement their relationship. Maybe me acting out will drive him further and further in her arms. I keep having nightmares about the two of them....even where he tells me he converted to being a jehovah's witness (no idea so dont ask) and I'm losing sleep unless I pop some pills( usually Xanny or Atarax) and drink. I don't mind dying anymore...shit maybe honestly I'm not meant to be with anyone. Maybe this pain is supposed to make me carry this shit out

 

[lonelykiwi]

I feel you, drinking is the only thing that helps me stay sane until i build up the courage to ctb

 

[ctoan]

how is your iron lvl

 

[Nanimoaru]

I feel you, drinking is the only thing that helps me stay sane until i build up the courage to ctb

I'm glad someone does.....I'll either take 1 Xanny or 200mg of atarax with some rum
Call that shit a flash forward

 

[Nanimoaru]

how is your iron lvl

I dont know or care frfr
Why?

 

[ctoan]

I dont know or care frfr
Why?

check it

 

[Nanimoaru]

check it

Why?

 

[AndyCurious]

I know how it feels Nani, I hae felt dead for maybe 35 years now... I only try to hold on to life because of my precious daughter...

 

[ningaman151]

I've dealt with mental illness and depression all my life. Abusive mother, bullied at school you name it. I thought for 6 years I finally had something to live for.. I mean someone...His name was Thomas. He had a power unlike anything I'd ever seen before... he could quiet the screaming demons and the urges to self harm and destruct. I started to feel....safe, warm and I dare say happy. I was foolish to believe if I just stuck by his side, We would be together in time and this would be my HEA(happily ever after). But his happiness wasnt with me it never was and never will be. He deserves happiness, he is a great guy.He found someone else and I felt the worse pain in my chest. I finally realized it's me, it's always been me. Every relationship, every firing at a job, every misfortune was my fault and my fault alone. I will never marry or have a family. I will never amount to shit. Then I heard someone screaming loudly and then nothing. No feeling whatsoever. I or should I say the person I was died that day, Now this shell remains. I dont feel the need or urge to go out and interact. I dont feel the need to do anything to talk, to laugh, to smile. I simply exist and do what's expected of me now.
I think I'm finally ready to CTB
I used to be afraid but not anymore. I just have to plan and write my farewells.

I feel the same way in regards to mental illness and dating. I would say statistically there must be people from the opposite gender who are as equally as mentally ill as we are. It would make sense for us to date each other, rather than looking for mates from the outside, as we will likely be rejected due to being ill.

 

[Nanimoaru]

I know how it feels Nani, I hae felt dead for maybe 35 years now... I only try to hold on to life because of my precious daughter...

I have no children so I have no reason to even try

 

[Nanimoaru]

I feel the same way in regards to mental illness and dating. I would say statistically there must be people from the opposite gender who are as equally as mentally ill as we are. It would make sense for us to date each other, rather than looking for mates from the outside, as we will likely be rejected due to being ill.

Wait are you hitting on me?

 

[ningaman151]

Wait are you hitting on me?

Haha that wasn't the intention, but if that's what you want sure ;). My point was that there is that in a world of 7.4 billion people, no one person is completely alone.

 

[AndyCurious]

I have no children so I have no reason to even try

Best wishes to you, and hope you find peace if you ctb soon..

 

[Nanimoaru]

Best wishes to you, and hope you find peace if you ctb soon..

Thanks dude
May you stay strong for your daughter

 

[Nanimoaru]

Haha that wasn't the intention, but if that's what you want sure ;). My point was that there is that in a world of 7.4 billion people, no one person is completely alone.

If I have it my way I'll be gone before the year ends
May not be the best pick
Besides I'm defective

 

[AndyCurious]

Thanks dude
May you stay strong for your daughter

Your welcome, and I do my best thank you :)

 

[PatKat]

I've dealt with mental illness and depression all my life. Abusive mother, bullied at school you name it. I thought for 6 years I finally had something to live for.. I mean someone...His name was Thomas. He had a power unlike anything I'd ever seen before... he could quiet the screaming demons and the urges to self harm and destruct. I started to feel....safe, warm and I dare say happy. I was foolish to believe if I just stuck by his side, We would be together in time and this would be my HEA(happily ever after). But his happiness wasnt with me it never was and never will be. He deserves happiness, he is a great guy.He found someone else and I felt the worse pain in my chest. I finally realized it's me, it's always been me. Every relationship, every firing at a job, every misfortune was my fault and my fault alone. I will never marry or have a family. I will never amount to shit. Then I heard someone screaming loudly and then nothing. No feeling whatsoever. I or should I say the person I was died that day, Now this shell remains. I dont feel the need or urge to go out and interact. I dont feel the need to do anything to talk, to laugh, to smile. I simply exist and do what's expected of me now.
I think I'm finally ready to CTB
I used to be afraid but not anymore. I just have to plan and write my farewells.

I have dealt with mental illness since I was 12 I am 34 next month now... It has been so horrible my entire life almost.

 

[Nanimoaru]

I have dealt with mental illness since I was 12 I am 34 next month now... It has been so horrible my entire life almost.

Same I've dealt with this shit for 20 years now

 

[PatKat]

Same I've dealt with this shit for 20 years now

It is horrible... I want peace...

 

[Nanimoaru]

It is horrible... I want peace...

So update or some shit, Had a huge argument with T. I've been using illegal shit +plus to cope with the girlfriend thing....it stops the nightmares. He found out as I butt dialed him trashed. He was like "I'm so tired of this" I said "good when I go you wont feel much then, you'll have your happiness"
Tried to break my phone, failed.....androids are tough
Came home and promptly downed any and all medications I could find with more booze
Got my stomach pumped hours later
I can't even kill myself right....fuck me
If I push him far enough away, this won't hurt him
But I gotta do this. I've always had to.
I thinking I'll have more luck with a partner
Especially if I can procure N

 

[Morbidreality]

You're story almost sounds like mine...everything is my fault & also suffer from mental illness...I think the day I died was when I was kicked out at 16 years old and a man sold me in human trafficking

 

[Nanimoaru]

You're story almost sounds like mine...everything is my fault & also suffer from mental illness...I think the day I died was when I was kicked out at 16 years old and a man sold me in human trafficking

I'm sorry that happened to you. I honestly wish we could all be free. Instead of lying, cheating and deceiving our way out

 

[bigj75]

You're story almost sounds like mine...everything is my fault & also suffer from mental illness...I think the day I died was when I was kicked out at 16 years old and a man sold me in human trafficking

What?

You were sold into human trafficking?

 

[ctoan]

So update or some shit, Had a huge argument with T. I've been using illegal shit +plus to cope with the girlfriend thing....it stops the nightmares. He found out as I butt dialed him trashed. He was like "I'm so tired of this" I said "good when I go you wont feel much then, you'll have your happiness"
Tried to break my phone, failed.....androids are tough
Came home and promptly downed any and all medications I could find with more booze
Got my stomach pumped hours later
I can't even kill myself right....fuck me
If I push him far enough away, this won't hurt him
But I gotta do this. I've always had to.
I thinking I'll have more luck with a partner
Especially if I can procure N

is it safe to say you might have borderline?

 

[Nanimoaru]

is it safe to say you might have borderline?

I have unipolarity or major depressive disorder
ADHD
PTSD
Anxiety

 

[Nanimoaru]

What?

You were sold into human trafficking?

Yea that threw me for a loop too

 

[bigj75]

Yea that threw me for a loop too

Shit like that is insane. Then people wonder why people wanna ctb.

 

[Nanimoaru]

Shit like that is insane. Then people wonder why people wanna ctb.

Exactly
I just want the pain to stop