Supersadmommy90
Student
- Sep 24, 2019
- 186
I don't think I've ever been this depressed. My life is half over, heck, better than half over. I am broken, damaged, prematurely aged, and this really is it. I'm looking over the cliff at the precipitous drop directly in front of me and it's causing me to confront my mortality. There is no getting around the fact that I am declining... The battle against entropy has been all but lost, there are just still parts of my hologram functioning while others have already withered away and gone, long gone. What's left of me isn't enough to feel happy, or like myself. I can't start over because I'm already half-over. All I can do is kick the can down the road further. I've seen many a natural death and in many cases they are awful, and awfully drawn-out affairs of suffering and clinging to life and I don't know that I want to relate to death in that way. I'd rather make the appointment or date with destiny myself. I can only suffer in this life, and not feel pleasure. It is the lack of seemingly all pleasure that has me longing to find pleasure in death. To me the absence of emotional and mental pain would feel like pleasure at this point. At the end of the day it is how I feel, and not necessarily rationality that makes the final decision. The capacity for suffering of the human mind defies all rationality, unfortunately.
