Venting i’m constantly sabotaging both my recovery and suicidality

[dinosavr]

Why can't I fucking make up my mind?????
On one hand I'm so sure death is what I want. I keep planning it and I even have dreams about it (not nightmares), but on the other I keep reaching out and "fighting for life".
All these constantly mixed thoughts and feelings about life and death make me feel so incredibly weird. I have no idea whether I'm fine or not. And from which point of view.
I've just got prescribed bupropion and I'm already taking venlafaxine + mirtazapine, so it's quite a high dosage of antidepressants, and I feel like a fool. Basically I didn't lie but did I make it clear enough that I'm okay? Do I really suffer that much? I don't think so… I'm just a lazy peace of shit. And I feel the need to keep being depressed. But I have no courage to quit treatment, because of my family and friends. I don't want their lives to be ruined either. On the other hand, I don't really care that much. And I shouldn't live for other but for myself, right?
How fucked up is that, godddd, I don't know how I got here, I've never expected it, and I have no idea what to do next. I'm really really really lost.
I want it to be over…

Feel free to ignore, just venting

 

[metothemoon]

this is so relatable. Still trying therapy, allthough all I can think is: "let me go".
I feel so pathetic because I cant choose for life or death. Keeping me in limbo and driving me nuts…

 

[UKscotty]

Suicide by its nature is an absolute last resort so don't beat yourself up.

If anyone tells you it's not the last resort, they are lying otherwise they wouldn't be here to tell you that. A catch 22.

If you want to give recovery a go, we have a recovery section here on the forum that's quite active.

 

[Lunaloveflood]

Same I keep thinking i'm getting better then i have a mental breakdown and i feel stupid for considering i could've change

I think recovery takes time and even if it make us feel weird to go from wanting to live to wanting to die in an instant i think it's the path we have to take but weirdly it's sometimes even worst to go from being kinda okay to being depressed Having the will for life completly striped away from you without expecting it feel so horrible , it makes me feel so lost

Wish you the best

 

[SoulCage]

Lately, I feel the same. 2 months ago I was rotting and waiting for the final push. Right now I somehow enjoy some little things again. And I hate it, because my logical conclusions are still there. I know I'll just suffer again if I try to go back to "wanting things".

Is it because the spring sun is giving me some vitamin D?
Is it because I stopped taking my SSRIs?
Is it because I will move back to my home country in a month?
Is it because I stopped eating sugary stuff and only eat once a day?

Probably a combination of all...
Anyways, we will see how it will be in a month...

 

[theboy]

I identify with your story

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

My life in a fucking nutshell..

If my dysfunctional brain wouldn't be a masochist for anhedonia I'd be sble to actually feel something positive.

So instead you eat a bar of chocolate, or smoke, or drink in order to boost you up but then it kills other parts of you.

I drink constantly now, i hate my fucked up brain, little an annoying sims cunt, whiney as fuuck.

 

[Relic]

I've just got prescribed bupropion

One of the very few antidepressants worth anything. If you have to take multiple meds, then maybe add vortioxetine. These are the only two I could tolerate and feel any positive effects from. There are different reports from different people, but bupropion will stop working at some point, and you may just bury any positive effects under other stuff you are taking. The shortest time I have seen anyone report was five days, and a few months for some others. So taking your current cocktail might be just wasting it.

 

[Olisop21.]

Why can't I fucking make up my mind?????
On one hand I'm so sure death is what I want. I keep planning it and I even have dreams about it (not nightmares), but on the other I keep reaching out and "fighting for life".
All these constantly mixed thoughts and feelings about life and death make me feel so incredibly weird. I have no idea whether I'm fine or not. And from which point of view.
I've just got prescribed bupropion and I'm already taking venlafaxine + mirtazapine, so it's quite a high dosage of antidepressants, and I feel like a fool. Basically I didn't lie but did I make it clear enough that I'm okay? Do I really suffer that much? I don't think so… I'm just a lazy peace of shit. And I feel the need to keep being depressed. But I have no courage to quit treatment, because of my family and friends. I don't want their lives to be ruined either. On the other hand, I don't really care that much. And I shouldn't live for other but for myself, right?
How fucked up is that, godddd, I don't know how I got here, I've never expected it, and I have no idea what to do next. I'm really really really lost.
I want it to be over…

Feel free to ignore, just venting

I feel the same.

 

[Ash]

I think you speak for many, many people on here x