Story I'm building myself up from gutter, My mind wont catch up.

[Dinorun]

Hi so this is my first post, I am not sure why post this publicly, guess it's my version of screaming into the void.
I now also seen how long it is and it sucks.

I was born to an abusive household with a piece of shit dad which filled the entire house with constant screams about every little thing on my mom and me, I think it negatively effected my development deeply, before I even had a chance.

All through school I was a complete loser, chosen last, usually girls would be chosen before me in sports. never really managed to make any friends at all, in the short time I did somehow scramble into a group I was always the sidelines and "forgotten to be invited" in retrospect I would never let anyone behave like that to me but it just shows how low was my self esteem. Every day all day after school I'd go home and play video games until I had to go to sleep.
I never made any real childhood memories I was just playing video games to cope with my situation. I developed ticks that made me scream involuntarily "I'm stupid" and "I have no friends" as a constant reminder as if I wasn't suffering enough.
I barely finished high school

My saving grace: the army.

We have mandatory service At 18 against all odds and everyone's best wishes I became a combat soldier, my only thought was that maybe this is how I can bridge my lack of social skills and confidence. (Yes and no)
suddenly I was torn from the screen, and the comfort of my own home which I never left and found myself in the middle of the desert while in my squad I never blossomed but I wasn't invisible. I learned to speak with a bit off confidence, look people in the eye, even though I still suffer my inferiority complex was reduced. I physically excelled at training and I was putting in extra work whenever I could, I run and run and run and tried to lift every day. I was suddenly even known around and for the first time in my life people respected me I guess, I didn't have real connections but I somehow was buddy buddy with everyone, even the girls gave me cutsy nicknames maybe they found my "autism"-like presence endearing. a lot of the times I got screwed over for not complaining and crying like others. But I also had my major lows, socially and mentally, I won't lie that rarely I went to sleep with my service weapon pointed directly into my head hoping it would somehow discharge,
Or during my time in a war zone, I felt that I wouldn't mind if anything were to happen to me, even that it would be better if I die then any one of the people around me as my life back home are so empty and full of endless weight and pain. Also during my time there you get a sense of how cheap life is and how it's almost a small non incremental thing, one moment you can be there one moment not there. But this isn't the topic

I finished the army

Now I don't play video games anymore. I go swimming at the beach everyday, I rollerblade around the park, play with my fpv drones, gym, I study for my cs dagree I take myself out to movies, standups, the library, I try to take care of my looks and dress just like i like. I feel like Im living my teens in my 20s (I'm 23) my parents forced me into collage.
Thing is I'm doing it all alone, I can spend days without any notification or a small conversation from my mom, or a small banter with a stranger. I yarn for a connection.
it feels so useless. Sometimes my brain does very good job reminding me how much of a loser I am that I do everything alone and can't make a single person stay.

I'm so touch starved that once I was on the bus and some girl got up and rested her leg touching mine and was just on her phone and it's sad to admit but that much touch from another human being felt like heavenly sunshine to me.

I've also somehow managed to date like thee times, for one of them I even made a full blown date themed by her favorite movie, when we finished, we sat down at the park we were just laughing and she told me when she gets home her parents will have a shot
And I asked why and she said she finally met a guy who makes her this happy.

She dropped me for another guy a week and a half later.

I learned that I just can't keep someone interested, no one will ever point at me and say proudly "yes he is my friend", "yes he is my bf" whatever, I learned that i can't compere with well adjusted men. why would someone choose to spend time with someone like me and not someone who oozes self love, and contently fills the air with fluffer.
I have so much good, I'm healthy, I can do whatever I want, but I feel like the loneliness overshadows everything.
Thanks, I just had to get it out and honestly I'm tired with talking with AI, sadly it can't help me with anything more then generic advice. I wish I stumbled upon a group of friends. i just want to be normal inside and not just outside.

my deepest wish is have a single friend that i can just talk with him whenever whatever, just make up random place on the spot and go through with them
and always be there for each other.

thanks hopefully this post comes out as real as i tried to make it.

 

[U. A.]

Transitioning from deployed military to civilian life is not a small thing. It will take time to readjust; in the field there is a natural micro-scale society and you naturally fall into order and form bonds. The situation kind of demands it. Try going to social events, engage in hobbies, meet people who enjoy similar things. Support services for veterans may also be worthwhile.
Good luck.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Hi so this is my first post, I am not sure why post this publicly, guess it's my version of screaming into the void.
I now also seen how long it is and it sucks.

I was born to an abusive household with a piece of shit dad which filled the entire house with constant screams about every little thing on my mom and me, I think it negatively effected my development deeply, before I even had a chance.

All through school I was a complete loser, chosen last, usually girls would be chosen before me in sports. never really managed to make any friends at all, in the short time I did somehow scramble into a group I was always the sidelines and "forgotten to be invited" in retrospect I would never let anyone behave like that to me but it just shows how low was my self esteem. Every day all day after school I'd go home and play video games until I had to go to sleep.
I never made any real childhood memories I was just playing video games to cope with my situation. I developed ticks that made me scream involuntarily "I'm stupid" and "I have no friends" as a constant reminder as if I wasn't suffering enough.
I barely finished high school

My saving grace: the army.

We have mandatory service At 18 against all odds and everyone's best wishes I became a combat soldier, my only thought was that maybe this is how I can bridge my lack of social skills and confidence. (Yes and no)
suddenly I was torn from the screen, and the comfort of my own home which I never left and found myself in the middle of the desert while in my squad I never blossomed but I wasn't invisible. I learned to speak with a bit off confidence, look people in the eye, even though I still suffer my inferiority complex was reduced. I physically excelled at training and I was putting in extra work whenever I could, I run and run and run and tried to lift every day. I was suddenly even known around and for the first time in my life people respected me I guess, I didn't have real connections but I somehow was buddy buddy with everyone, even the girls gave me cutsy nicknames maybe they found my "autism"-like presence endearing. a lot of the times I got screwed over for not complaining and crying like others. But I also had my major lows, socially and mentally, I won't lie that rarely I went to sleep with my service weapon pointed directly into my head hoping it would somehow discharge,
Or during my time in a war zone, I felt that I wouldn't mind if anything were to happen to me, even that it would be better if I die then any one of the people around me as my life back home are so empty and full of endless weight and pain. Also during my time there you get a sense of how cheap life is and how it's almost a small non incremental thing, one moment you can be there one moment not there. But this isn't the topic

I finished the army

Now I don't play video games anymore. I go swimming at the beach everyday, I rollerblade around the park, play with my fpv drones, gym, I study for my cs dagree I take myself out to movies, standups, the library, I try to take care of my looks and dress just like i like. I feel like Im living my teens in my 20s (I'm 23) my parents forced me into collage.
Thing is I'm doing it all alone, I can spend days without any notification or a small conversation from my mom, or a small banter with a stranger. I yarn for a connection.
it feels so useless. Sometimes my brain does very good job reminding me how much of a loser I am that I do everything alone and can't make a single person stay.

I'm so touch starved that once I was on the bus and some girl got up and rested her leg touching mine and was just on her phone and it's sad to admit but that much touch from another human being felt like heavenly sunshine to me.

I've also somehow managed to date like thee times, for one of them I even made a full blown date themed by her favorite movie, when we finished, we sat down at the park we were just laughing and she told me when she gets home her parents will have a shot
And I asked why and she said she finally met a guy who makes her this happy.

She dropped me for another guy a week and a half later.

I learned that I just can't keep someone interested, no one will ever point at me and say proudly "yes he is my friend", "yes he is my bf" whatever, I learned that i can't compere with well adjusted men. why would someone choose to spend time with someone like me and not someone who oozes self love, and contently fills the air with fluffer.
I have so much good, I'm healthy, I can do whatever I want, but I feel like the loneliness overshadows everything.
Thanks, I just had to get it out and honestly I'm tired with talking with AI, sadly it can't help me with anything more then generic advice. I wish I stumbled upon a group of friends. i just want to be normal inside and not just outside.

my deepest wish is have a single friend that i can just talk with him whenever whatever, just make up random place on the spot and go through with them
and always be there for each other.

thanks hopefully this post comes out as real as i tried to make it.

Try rock climbing if you can, if you have a park for roller blades, there must be something like mini golf, rock climbing, no?
Why give up games forever? Maybe you're gonna find someone irl that still like some games. Don't put it off forever, who you were before doesn't represent who you are now.


Also with dates in early 20's, dude, keep in mind that these days 80% of the kids between 20-25 have been raised in a porn rotted society, you might not believe it but people who are groomed in this way can instantly revert to their old ways. I've seen it many times before. I know that this might not be the time for this specific discussion, but if you truly want love, if you truly want connection, you will have to find someone who wasn't influenced by the oversexualized society. You just sound like a romantic person, most kids your age and upwards even in their 30's have been exposed to extreme depictions of sex, they're kinda cooked when it comes to romance. And that's another subject where you can grow as a person and you will find more likeminded people then.


Just keep working on yourself, find a couple of friends via roller skating, other irl hobbies, maybe even games if you're open to them again and won't use them as a total escape.

 

[Dinorun]

Transitioning from deployed military to civilian life is not a small thing. It will take time to readjust; in the field there is a natural micro-scale society and you naturally fall into order and form bonds. The situation kind of demands it. Try going to social events, engage in hobbies, meet people who enjoy similar things. Support services for veterans may also be worthwhile.
Good luck.

yep this whole process takes so much time.
I do go to social events and stuff but and try to remain open to opportunities and talk but its so much harder when its not familiar faces you see everyday, and you never really learned to form a connection, i hope its just a phase or a little wall ill pass with some practice, thanks!

Try rock climbing if you can, if you have a park for roller blades, there must be something like mini golf, rock climbing, no?
Why give up games forever? Maybe you're gonna find someone irl that still like some games. Don't put it off forever, who you were before doesn't represent who you are now.


Also with dates in early 20's, dude, keep in mind that these days 80% of the kids between 20-25 have been raised in a porn rotted society, you might not believe it but people who are groomed in this way can instantly revert to their old ways. I've seen it many times before. I know that this might not be the time for this specific discussion, but if you truly want love, if you truly want connection, you will have to find someone who wasn't influenced by the oversexualized society. You just sound like a romantic person, most kids your age and upwards even in their 30's have been exposed to extreme depictions of sex, they're kinda cooked when it comes to romance. And that's another subject where you can grow as a person and you will find more likeminded people then.


Just keep working on yourself, find a couple of friends via roller skating, other irl hobbies, maybe even games if you're open to them again and won't use them as a total escape.

I just think i outgrew videogames I dont enjoy them nearly as much, theres nothing new. Im not even sure if i really enjoyed them in my late teens tbh, they were just a familiar way to quiet down the negative thoughts i think i spent in total about 2500 hours in them during my childhood years.

I like the rock climbing suggested i will actually try that this week thanks, also i ice skate every so often, it really helps keep my mind off the loneliness with some music :)

that oversexualized society topic is really interesting, i think in addition to that, girls in general just have too many options, why settle when theres
15 other options and each one can be better than who i currently seeing. Im not blaming them its just the situation their in. i might have behaved the same in their shoes.
what kind of keeps me going is that i only need one yes, you know?

ill keep working on myself, but finding early twenties people is so hard.
I dont see many people my age at the park or the beach, at events and stuff they are usally at some formulated group.

thank you for your kind words :)

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I just think i outgrew videogames I dont enjoy them nearly as much, theres nothing new. Im not even sure if i really enjoyed them in my late teens tbh, they were just a familiar way to quiet down the negative thoughts i think i spent in total about 2500 hours in them during my childhood years.

I like the rock climbing suggested i will actually try that this week thanks, also i ice skate every so often, it really helps keep my mind off the loneliness with some music :)

that oversexualized society topic is really interesting, i think in addition to that, girls in general just have too many options, why settle when theres
15 other options and each one can be better than who i currently seeing. Im not blaming them its just the situation their in. i might have behaved the same in their shoes.
what kind of keeps me going is that i only need one yes, you know?

ill keep working on myself, but finding early twenties people is so hard.
I dont see many people my age at the park or the beach, at events and stuff they are usally at some formulated group.

thank you for your kind words :)

No problem, I hope they are of some use.