Venting I'm becoming an alcoholic

[UninformedLover]

Alcoholism runs real deep in my family - my uncle is one and so is my mom and a bunch of other family members and I swore I wouldn't become like them but I lied to myself.

I only feel better when I get so drunk that I'm falling all over the place and can't think straight. I'm so lonely and sad and when I get drunk I no longer feel that way. My head no longer feels consumed with a million racing thoughts. It suppresses my ocd, depression and anxiety without making me feel like a zombie like how I do when I take antidepressants.

I started drinking more because I was assaulted at work last month and then something so traumatic happened to me with this guy I know and no matter how hard I try I can't forget it and I need to.

I just feel like a real loser. Hopefully today I'll get drunk enough where I fall down some stairs and die.

 

[TBONTB]

Alcoholism runs real deep in my family - my uncle is one and so is my mom and a bunch of other family members and I swore I wouldn't become like them but I lied to myself.

I only feel better when I get so drunk that I'm falling all over the place and can't think straight. I'm so lonely and sad and when I get drunk I no longer feel that way. My head no longer feels consumed with a million racing thoughts. It suppresses my ocd, depression and anxiety without making me feel like a zombie like how I do when I take antidepressants.

I started drinking more because I was assaulted at work last month and then something so traumatic happened to me with this guy I know and no matter how hard I try I can't forget it and I need to.

I just feel like a real loser. Hopefully today I'll get drunk enough where I fall down some stairs and die.

Hey, sorry to hear this. My own battle with alcoholism was very painful, but finally ended in sobriety.

You were obviously gifted the genes for alcoholism, so don't say you are a loser. You have a disease. A bad disease, but probably one that won't kill your very fast

You don't mention if you wanted to change the drinking at all, so you? Or were you just more sharing what it's like.

Take care of yourself

 

[swankysoup]

I can relate, i used to never drink and then at 23 i tried it when i was in the middle of a crisis. It was the best feeling i ever had, i had no idea it would be that great at first. It felt like i imagine being loved and cared is like. So a very problematic situation to be alone and drink like that. But i barely have any reasons to quit today, i try to keep it to a minimum but i wish i could drink more.

 

[knickknack81]

Hey. First off im very sorry to hear about the abuse/trauma you have suffered. That sounds so horrible. I too used to struggle with the bottle. For the first 25 years of my life, I barely touched booze. Even in college, I only got drunk like 2 or 3 times and mostly just had one or two mixed drinks just to socialize. Then after graduation, it become more of social issue. To go out and have some drinks and that morphed into an active drinker. Then around my mid 30s, it became a tool I used to deal with the loss of family members and the numb the pain of the isolation and depression I was feeling. This lasted a handful of years and got really bad during COVID, when I was getting drunk almost every day and I really started to hate myself. The way I looked, the way I felt, the way I acted. Then a little over 2 years ago after one to many benders, I had just had enough. I decided to make a change. Initially I just was going to take a 30 day break form drinking but I quickly realized how much I didn't need it in my life. I could drink some decent NA beers for social situations and that did the trick. And things really got better. I felt better, I looked better, I was in a much stronger place than I had been in quite some time. Now the last year has been very difficult for me for a number of reasons (work, relationships, etc) but ive stayed sober. And it's been tough as I am not masking my pain with anything else, which is a reason I used to drink. Dealing with everything head on can be a daunting task but I know that drinking only patches things up temporarily for me. Going through this year sober has made me see that as difficult as things are, I can get through them and maybe im stronger then I think I am. I guess im saying all this as a way to say we do have the strength to get through all the shit that lives throws us and we can do it in a way that (for me at least) is not so self-destructive.

Regardless of what you do, I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.

 

[Eriktf]

i hate addiction i struggle with it myself, i hate myself for it i know it bad for my, i want to quit, but that stupid alcoholic fucktard in me want to drink and/or get high all the time

quit as soon as you can it only get worse

 

[juliaiscrazyer]

Shits hard, Killed half my family. Goodluck

 

[tapetum_lucidum]

I know how you feel. I drink to numb myself but it just makes my thoughts worse. It runs in my family too. I've been drinking since I was like 16 or 17 but have it nearly everyday since turning 21.

 

[theboy]

The important thing is that you recognize the problems :)

 

[MyShadow]

Using alcohol or drugs to cope is backward and counterproductive. Yes, at first the problem is masked and you're temporarily distracted. But that affect wears off and now you have the consequences of that choice, but you still have the primary problems in your life.

But now, instead of having one problem, now you have two. But adding alcohol or drugs to the mix, the primary problem becomes 100 times worse. Then things continue to spiral and it's a terrible cycle. The layers of pain and suffering just get thicker and harder to overcome.

I am sorry for oversimplifying alcoholism. I've just witnessed too many people spiral out of control and I'd like to see someone break that cycle. I chose sobriety and while it didn't cure my problems, it certainly helped me maintain clarity on what those problems were and didn't create new ones.

Here comes the irony and the hypocrisy: I am planning to CTB but remaining sober until then, because the process of ending my life is proving to be more complicated than anticipated so I need to keep a clear head. This is not to say that I won't use drugs to overcome my survival instinct, because apparently that's stronger than I imagined and I can't afford to botch this.

Fuck, who knew that ending my own life would be so much work.