suicidalextremist
Suicidal person with big ideas | He/They
- Mar 6, 2023
- 13
I'm back yet again. I really tried to get better, nothing worked.
I'm honestly scared to post this cause I'm not sure if I fucked anything up with posting here since I haven't been on here in 5 months? I think?
Counselor sessions canceled not seeing her anymore so my only IRL resource is gone. More information in my "Is recovery possible?" post.
I went to the doctor because my physical therapist says I might have a CSF leak, walked out diagnosed with POTS and Tourette's. Tourette's is minor diagnosis really, it never bothered me much. POTS, however, is where I got new medication since I have it quite severely apparently. (heart rate of 245 after the test according to my mother who went with me, I was honestly too light-headed to remember.) and everything's just been getting worse since then.
A few months prior, I know, the formatting on this is bad but I just need to rant with no clear timeline... I had started having visual hallucinations. Nothing grand, just shadows here and there. Not trick of the light or not seeing a real shadow correctly, because I saw the shadow of a cat crawl over onto my computer like my (now dead) cat would do when she wanted attention. From there it got worse, constant paranoia and I grew afraid of the dark. Crying to my friend and having panic attacks over the impending doom I felt after seeing something. Any weird sound put me on edge, and eventually, it became auditory. Just sitting in my room, too afraid to get up because of the man in the closet, too afraid to stay because of the thing scratching in my walls. Then a week or two ago, I felt bugs crawling under my skin, the urge to get up and grab a knife to dig them out was so strong that it just made me even more scared.
I knew it wasn't real, I knew it wasn't there, there were no bugs under my skin, but I could just feel them crawling, it was so, so itchy. I think the only reason I didn't get a knife to dig them out was because my friend was there to talk me through it until it went away. I think it's more scary to be fully conscious of the fact your hallucinations aren't real while they're happening yet knowing there's nothing you can do in the moment to get them to go away.
I couldn't talk to a counselor or therapist about it, since, well, can't go to appointments anymore since my mom decided I didn't need it anymore (see "Is recovery possible?" thread for why I live with them in full. Short answer, physical disability and mental illness preventing me from working.) and it's not like I can pay for and drive myself.
My medication for my POTS has also seemingly made it worse. I never fainted/passed out before I took the medication, now I do it at least twice every day. Sure, before my meds I'd still get light-headed, vision blacked out, etc, but now it's just... worse? I know it's not because of anything else since I did my exact same day [no caffeine, leg exercises to get proper blood flow, same diet] but didn't take the pills. I haven't taken the pills in about 2-3 days now, and I haven't fainted/passed out once. I'm too scared to bring it up though, but I just feel bad for lying about taking them. I'll tell someone IRL before the next refill for them, but I just honestly don't know why they won't fucking work.
I think my depression is worse too. I recently learned both of my brothers have a problem with the chemical that makes them experience happiness (I honestly can't remember the name, dopamine or serotonin but fuck if I remember which..) and basically have a natural ?deficiency? I don't know the word for it, but it's not the normal level a regular person should have for it. And given that problem is in the family, my mom doesn't want to help me get medicated for my depression since she thinks I have the same problem. I want to get medicated, but I don't have the money for it, or a counselor/therapist to even prescribe me it in the first place anymore. But I have no joy in things that I used to. Piano, Art, Writing hell even games leave me more frustrated or seem like a chore than they used to. I absolutely despise going to piano lessons now despite it being one of the few things I absolutely loved more than anything, it's not even the physical part of getting there. I never minded, I still don't mind, but I just don't feel anything from gaining progression on my current piece. It's just another chore now. Art is frustrating me, I can't make anything I like and I have no ideas, and it just feels like my skill for it has decreased. With writing, I haven't written in months. I have a few people that subscribed to works I posted, and joined a discord I made to try and be more connected to people of the same interests. Now I just can't seem to write anything for the work I once loved, it's just dull now, nothing I write seems good enough and when I try to create something new I have no ideas on how to actually write anything despite having so many ideas. None of my hobbies make me feel good anymore. I feel hopeless.
Relationships haven't been better either, I used to have a girlfriend and two cats. My girlfriend ghosted me and one of my cats died. I do have a boyfriend now that I love more than anything in the entire world, but I've noticed I've started to just... not talk to him as much despite wanting to. My stupid fucking mental health keeps getting in the way of everything that makes me happy and I just can't deal with it.
If anyone has any advice, or anything to say after reading all of this.., I'd appreciate it. It's nice to be heard. Even if not, it just feels nice to put my feelings into words.
I'm honestly scared to post this cause I'm not sure if I fucked anything up with posting here since I haven't been on here in 5 months? I think?
Counselor sessions canceled not seeing her anymore so my only IRL resource is gone. More information in my "Is recovery possible?" post.
I went to the doctor because my physical therapist says I might have a CSF leak, walked out diagnosed with POTS and Tourette's. Tourette's is minor diagnosis really, it never bothered me much. POTS, however, is where I got new medication since I have it quite severely apparently. (heart rate of 245 after the test according to my mother who went with me, I was honestly too light-headed to remember.) and everything's just been getting worse since then.
A few months prior, I know, the formatting on this is bad but I just need to rant with no clear timeline... I had started having visual hallucinations. Nothing grand, just shadows here and there. Not trick of the light or not seeing a real shadow correctly, because I saw the shadow of a cat crawl over onto my computer like my (now dead) cat would do when she wanted attention. From there it got worse, constant paranoia and I grew afraid of the dark. Crying to my friend and having panic attacks over the impending doom I felt after seeing something. Any weird sound put me on edge, and eventually, it became auditory. Just sitting in my room, too afraid to get up because of the man in the closet, too afraid to stay because of the thing scratching in my walls. Then a week or two ago, I felt bugs crawling under my skin, the urge to get up and grab a knife to dig them out was so strong that it just made me even more scared.
I knew it wasn't real, I knew it wasn't there, there were no bugs under my skin, but I could just feel them crawling, it was so, so itchy. I think the only reason I didn't get a knife to dig them out was because my friend was there to talk me through it until it went away. I think it's more scary to be fully conscious of the fact your hallucinations aren't real while they're happening yet knowing there's nothing you can do in the moment to get them to go away.
I couldn't talk to a counselor or therapist about it, since, well, can't go to appointments anymore since my mom decided I didn't need it anymore (see "Is recovery possible?" thread for why I live with them in full. Short answer, physical disability and mental illness preventing me from working.) and it's not like I can pay for and drive myself.
My medication for my POTS has also seemingly made it worse. I never fainted/passed out before I took the medication, now I do it at least twice every day. Sure, before my meds I'd still get light-headed, vision blacked out, etc, but now it's just... worse? I know it's not because of anything else since I did my exact same day [no caffeine, leg exercises to get proper blood flow, same diet] but didn't take the pills. I haven't taken the pills in about 2-3 days now, and I haven't fainted/passed out once. I'm too scared to bring it up though, but I just feel bad for lying about taking them. I'll tell someone IRL before the next refill for them, but I just honestly don't know why they won't fucking work.
I think my depression is worse too. I recently learned both of my brothers have a problem with the chemical that makes them experience happiness (I honestly can't remember the name, dopamine or serotonin but fuck if I remember which..) and basically have a natural ?deficiency? I don't know the word for it, but it's not the normal level a regular person should have for it. And given that problem is in the family, my mom doesn't want to help me get medicated for my depression since she thinks I have the same problem. I want to get medicated, but I don't have the money for it, or a counselor/therapist to even prescribe me it in the first place anymore. But I have no joy in things that I used to. Piano, Art, Writing hell even games leave me more frustrated or seem like a chore than they used to. I absolutely despise going to piano lessons now despite it being one of the few things I absolutely loved more than anything, it's not even the physical part of getting there. I never minded, I still don't mind, but I just don't feel anything from gaining progression on my current piece. It's just another chore now. Art is frustrating me, I can't make anything I like and I have no ideas, and it just feels like my skill for it has decreased. With writing, I haven't written in months. I have a few people that subscribed to works I posted, and joined a discord I made to try and be more connected to people of the same interests. Now I just can't seem to write anything for the work I once loved, it's just dull now, nothing I write seems good enough and when I try to create something new I have no ideas on how to actually write anything despite having so many ideas. None of my hobbies make me feel good anymore. I feel hopeless.
Relationships haven't been better either, I used to have a girlfriend and two cats. My girlfriend ghosted me and one of my cats died. I do have a boyfriend now that I love more than anything in the entire world, but I've noticed I've started to just... not talk to him as much despite wanting to. My stupid fucking mental health keeps getting in the way of everything that makes me happy and I just can't deal with it.
If anyone has any advice, or anything to say after reading all of this.., I'd appreciate it. It's nice to be heard. Even if not, it just feels nice to put my feelings into words.
