Venting im back! consistent passive suicidiality

[underscore]

i feel as much a failure as ever. i actually attempted recovery - i tried hitting up my old therapist, they never got back to me. im still cutting & still using when i can & still binging/starving. almost back to my gw which is a major stressor in social environments, its almost all i think abt anymore. today i found an unopened bottle of alcohol & took off w it, i think ima relapse tonight, its been a month but i miss the bottle so bad.

my inner voice gets louder and louder, im honestly unsure @ this point if its an alter or a personified self-loathing but its persecutory & im hearing from it every second. im told how fat, ugly, useless, lazy, queer, creepy, laughable i am i been called every name in the book & every day it tells me how much id deserve 2 die, how much better every body would be w/o me, & its working. i stopped checking the road when i cross, im less cautious about what i eat, i care more about substance abuse than my failing heart & guts, overall taking care of myself less & i started planning runaways & suicides again. im losing myself again. i want 2 drink this away @ least 4 tonight....still aint sure how much im drinking 2nite if any. i dont want 2 move from the floor. i hope yall having a better nite than me

 

[SoftWorries]

Despite everything welcome back!

 

[underscore]

Despite everything welcome back!

thx man im glad 2 @ least have yall who get it
a big part of it is a lack of support irl cuz everybody i care about struggling just as hard as me rn, the last thing i wanna do is bring it down on them so glad i got like a space dedicated 2 talking abt these kinda things, i feel a hell of a lot better doing so lol

 

[HyperdimensionLoser]

damn... I feel ya dude. I'm almost in the same situation. Tried the whole believing in and caring about myself thing a while back and everything seemed to be working well, until it didn't. Now I'm back in my own personal mental hellhole where I can't even live with myself anymore and ffs it's gotten way way way worse than it's ever been.

I hope you can pull through dude

 

[underscore]

damn... I feel ya dude. I'm almost in the same situation. Tried the whole believing in and caring about myself thing a while back and everything seemed to be working well, until it didn't. Now I'm back in my own personal mental hellhole where I can't even live with myself anymore and ffs it's gotten way way way worse than it's ever been.

I hope you can pull through dude

sorry to hear fam. i h8 this cycle its like what did i do this time? whys it keep backfiring? idk what my next move gonna be
wish the best 4 u man

 

[anywhere_else]

I relate to this so much. I abuse myself daily and feel like everyone around me would be better off without me here. It's good you tried recovery but sounds like it's just unravelled? Hope you're alright.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so tiring and awful what you have to endure, life really is just so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[underscore]

I relate to this so much. I abuse myself daily and feel like everyone around me would be better off without me here. It's good you tried recovery but sounds like it's just unravelled? Hope you're alright.

i got as far as physical therapy, taking steps towards my physical health b4 things halted, my doctor hardly wants 2 help me anyway, i would not reach out 2 him about mental health..idek what will happen 2 me when he brings up eating disorders. i want 2 locate my old counselor or find a psychiatrist or something, anything i just need a mental health professional not my primary,i really dont think he could help me there. after i wasnt able 2 get thru 2 the counseling office just feeling like giving up on it . i been trying 2 get this help for years & if its gonna be years more before i receive any real help aint so sure its even worth it 2 try

 

[SVEN]

I know the struggle and the urge so well. At one stage I was putting away a litre of Voddy in 24 hours most days of the week, plus the wine. Been over 10 years since I had a drink, but a lot of that is because I have to look after my partner.
Welcome back, at least you can be sure of being understood and not judged at all here.
Very best wishes.

 

[todienomore]

Try writing out all of your negative self talk and then come back to it and read it as if someone wrote it to you. Alienate and other it. Write a response, why its not true.