AnonymousTomato
Member
- Mar 28, 2023
- 15
I visited this site a while ago while contemplating suicide, something that's been a recurring theme in my life over the past 10 years now. (I think you can read the previous post if you click my profile). I ultimately decided to keep fighting. That bought me some time. But I'm ready now - if I need to be.
I am a transgender man who moved from Texas to Minnesota to escape anti-trans violence and legislation. I've lived here for over a year now, and for the most part it's been a good year. I love seeing the seasons again. I've made some new friends, and (perhaps unwisely) got a new dog with my partner. We love our new city here. We feel much safer, happier, and (until recently), hopeful. If I could land a steady job, we might get a house together someday. The whole American Dream.
I won't say I was unprepared for the US election results, but I was trying to focus on the now and enjoy not being in Texas anymore. Now that Texas is quite possible on a federal level, I'm preparing for what might come in the next 4 years (and beyond). After some research, I've bought some SN, which I'm extremely grateful I was still able to get my hands on. I will store it safely until I feel there is no other recourse. That is a method I am quite happy with, and the most comfortable I've felt with this decision.
I do not plan to use it unless certain things happen:
1) HRT becomes unavailable (either illegal or practically illegal - take a look at some of the TX bills being introduced to make docs liable for any detransition costs if you'd like to see how that is looking to play out). Testosterone is the only thing that's made me feel like myself. If my body reverts to estrogen, it's like running on the wrong fuel. My brain doesn't work as well, I'm shaky, my anxiety goes up, and I just don't function well at all. If it's outlawed and I don't have a reliable source of it underground, I will move forward with the SN plan.
2) Legal documents start reverting back to birth gender. Essentially, mandated detransition. Combining 1 & 2 essentially forces me to detransition. I will not do that. I am not sure if #2 alone is sufficient to move forwards with the plan, but it might be jointly sufficient with a few other items.
3) I am no longer able to live a good life, either due to legal restrictions or increasing anti-trans violence. We're becoming a risk to hire due to the political climate. I'm not saying that resorting to customer service work is so bad I'd rather die, but I've been there, and I don't want that to be where I'm stuck for the rest of my life. I'm pursuing a PhD for a reason. I want to teach. I want a good, normal life. I don't want to be afraid to leave my home, either.
4) Some kind of dystopian rounding up occurs, and I get caught up in it. I don't think we're looking at actual concentration camps here, although we could be. Probably more like mass incarceration. Lots of potential crimes being introduced (TX bounty systems; existing in the same bathroom as a minor of the opposite sex, even if they came in before you [AR]; wearing clothing not conforming to your "birth gender"; public speaking in clothing not conforming to "birth gender") - some will pass and some won't. But if my existence becomes a criminal act, one they're actively incarcerating for, I'd rather not exist.
5) I lose access to other healthcare options, not just HRT. I mean surgical options here. The wait-lists are insane. I'm on one, but the clinic was very straightforward in saying that it may not be legal by the time they get around to me. People like to try to console me and say it may not always be illegal - just wait 2-4 years! They don't realize that an interruption in that care causes a devastating cascading effect - surgeons leave, or they transfer. It won't just come back IF we get a better admin in the future.
Look, y'all, I have been contemplating suicide since I was 13, and it's been a pretty constant consideration especially over the last 10 years. I have major depressive disorder and anxiety. I'm on good meds now but they don't fix it.
This is really the final straw. I uprooted. Left my home. Left everything I knew behind just to survive. If that's not enough post 2024, then it really is only worse from here on out. I've fought so hard. I've helped countless other people through volunteer and mutual aid work. I've done everything I can and it is STILL NOT ENOUGH. Because I am part of the most hated 2% of the population. So hated that both state and national politicians just ran a WILDLY SUCCESSFUL platform focused mainly on how much they hate me, and the US overwhelmingly agreed.
I'm not living in that world. I'm done. I've put up a good fight. And I will continue to until the things I listed above happen.
I hope I have the time to finish my PhD. I'm so close! It's been my dream since I was a kid. It's important to me that I finish it. If that's the last major thing I do, it's a good thing to end on.
There's so much I wish I could have done in life. I want to teach. I absolutely glow in the classroom. I haven't taught a ton of classes yet, but my students have been so amazing and so enthusiastic. They even started a club on the subject I taught after my very first class I ever taught. Not bragging, but grad students are notoriously bad teachers. And I made that kind of impact on my first go? That's incredible!
But the academic job market is horrible, and now there are only a handful of states I could even live in. And those may not be enough. I'm only going through the motions of my job applications; I won't land anything. The competition is too high in those locations. Statistically very unlikely I get anything.
My backup plan was nonprofit, but the nonprofit killer bill looks like it'll end that possibility. (Basically the gov can declare any nonprofit org a terrorist organization and the burden of proof is on YOU to disprove that).
I wanted to do something meaningful with my life. I wanted to wake up and grab coffee and teach, buy one of those tweed jackets and be a total stereotype. I wanted to rescue more dogs. Visit Japan with my partner. I wanted a life where my biggest problems were the same as other, normal people: gas prices rising, construction on the freeway, Aunt Barb causing drama again. Being trans shouldn't be my whole identity, but that's what it's been reduced to, by force. My existence shouldn't be a political act. But it is.
And I'm fucking tired.
At least this one feels different than the other times I've come close. Sure, it's a white flag, but it comes after a good fight that I should be proud of, especially considering I was not especially predisposed to wanting to live. It's a final act of resistance: you can take everything from me, but that final call is mine to make. You're not throwing me in a cage. I go out on my terms, not yours.
The hard part now will be making sure I only take the exit when it's time, when my conditions have been met, and not sooner. Its a little bitter-sweet: I have been at least OK with the thought of dying for years, but I kept going, kept trying to give myself my best shot at a life I would prefer to death. But my best efforts aren't enough. I don't want to live how Project 2025 wants me to live. I don't particularly want to live in a world where my local grocer or barista or accountant voted to end my life. To look around and know that about 55% of the people around me at the very least didn't consider rape a deal breaker, and at best didn't care what happened to me so long as their eggs were cheap. If you even believe that - because I don't. I think it's pure hatred. And I want to make sure I have one final option if and when it comes down to it.
I am a transgender man who moved from Texas to Minnesota to escape anti-trans violence and legislation. I've lived here for over a year now, and for the most part it's been a good year. I love seeing the seasons again. I've made some new friends, and (perhaps unwisely) got a new dog with my partner. We love our new city here. We feel much safer, happier, and (until recently), hopeful. If I could land a steady job, we might get a house together someday. The whole American Dream.
I won't say I was unprepared for the US election results, but I was trying to focus on the now and enjoy not being in Texas anymore. Now that Texas is quite possible on a federal level, I'm preparing for what might come in the next 4 years (and beyond). After some research, I've bought some SN, which I'm extremely grateful I was still able to get my hands on. I will store it safely until I feel there is no other recourse. That is a method I am quite happy with, and the most comfortable I've felt with this decision.
I do not plan to use it unless certain things happen:
1) HRT becomes unavailable (either illegal or practically illegal - take a look at some of the TX bills being introduced to make docs liable for any detransition costs if you'd like to see how that is looking to play out). Testosterone is the only thing that's made me feel like myself. If my body reverts to estrogen, it's like running on the wrong fuel. My brain doesn't work as well, I'm shaky, my anxiety goes up, and I just don't function well at all. If it's outlawed and I don't have a reliable source of it underground, I will move forward with the SN plan.
2) Legal documents start reverting back to birth gender. Essentially, mandated detransition. Combining 1 & 2 essentially forces me to detransition. I will not do that. I am not sure if #2 alone is sufficient to move forwards with the plan, but it might be jointly sufficient with a few other items.
3) I am no longer able to live a good life, either due to legal restrictions or increasing anti-trans violence. We're becoming a risk to hire due to the political climate. I'm not saying that resorting to customer service work is so bad I'd rather die, but I've been there, and I don't want that to be where I'm stuck for the rest of my life. I'm pursuing a PhD for a reason. I want to teach. I want a good, normal life. I don't want to be afraid to leave my home, either.
4) Some kind of dystopian rounding up occurs, and I get caught up in it. I don't think we're looking at actual concentration camps here, although we could be. Probably more like mass incarceration. Lots of potential crimes being introduced (TX bounty systems; existing in the same bathroom as a minor of the opposite sex, even if they came in before you [AR]; wearing clothing not conforming to your "birth gender"; public speaking in clothing not conforming to "birth gender") - some will pass and some won't. But if my existence becomes a criminal act, one they're actively incarcerating for, I'd rather not exist.
5) I lose access to other healthcare options, not just HRT. I mean surgical options here. The wait-lists are insane. I'm on one, but the clinic was very straightforward in saying that it may not be legal by the time they get around to me. People like to try to console me and say it may not always be illegal - just wait 2-4 years! They don't realize that an interruption in that care causes a devastating cascading effect - surgeons leave, or they transfer. It won't just come back IF we get a better admin in the future.
Look, y'all, I have been contemplating suicide since I was 13, and it's been a pretty constant consideration especially over the last 10 years. I have major depressive disorder and anxiety. I'm on good meds now but they don't fix it.
This is really the final straw. I uprooted. Left my home. Left everything I knew behind just to survive. If that's not enough post 2024, then it really is only worse from here on out. I've fought so hard. I've helped countless other people through volunteer and mutual aid work. I've done everything I can and it is STILL NOT ENOUGH. Because I am part of the most hated 2% of the population. So hated that both state and national politicians just ran a WILDLY SUCCESSFUL platform focused mainly on how much they hate me, and the US overwhelmingly agreed.
I'm not living in that world. I'm done. I've put up a good fight. And I will continue to until the things I listed above happen.
I hope I have the time to finish my PhD. I'm so close! It's been my dream since I was a kid. It's important to me that I finish it. If that's the last major thing I do, it's a good thing to end on.
There's so much I wish I could have done in life. I want to teach. I absolutely glow in the classroom. I haven't taught a ton of classes yet, but my students have been so amazing and so enthusiastic. They even started a club on the subject I taught after my very first class I ever taught. Not bragging, but grad students are notoriously bad teachers. And I made that kind of impact on my first go? That's incredible!
But the academic job market is horrible, and now there are only a handful of states I could even live in. And those may not be enough. I'm only going through the motions of my job applications; I won't land anything. The competition is too high in those locations. Statistically very unlikely I get anything.
My backup plan was nonprofit, but the nonprofit killer bill looks like it'll end that possibility. (Basically the gov can declare any nonprofit org a terrorist organization and the burden of proof is on YOU to disprove that).
I wanted to do something meaningful with my life. I wanted to wake up and grab coffee and teach, buy one of those tweed jackets and be a total stereotype. I wanted to rescue more dogs. Visit Japan with my partner. I wanted a life where my biggest problems were the same as other, normal people: gas prices rising, construction on the freeway, Aunt Barb causing drama again. Being trans shouldn't be my whole identity, but that's what it's been reduced to, by force. My existence shouldn't be a political act. But it is.
And I'm fucking tired.
At least this one feels different than the other times I've come close. Sure, it's a white flag, but it comes after a good fight that I should be proud of, especially considering I was not especially predisposed to wanting to live. It's a final act of resistance: you can take everything from me, but that final call is mine to make. You're not throwing me in a cage. I go out on my terms, not yours.
The hard part now will be making sure I only take the exit when it's time, when my conditions have been met, and not sooner. Its a little bitter-sweet: I have been at least OK with the thought of dying for years, but I kept going, kept trying to give myself my best shot at a life I would prefer to death. But my best efforts aren't enough. I don't want to live how Project 2025 wants me to live. I don't particularly want to live in a world where my local grocer or barista or accountant voted to end my life. To look around and know that about 55% of the people around me at the very least didn't consider rape a deal breaker, and at best didn't care what happened to me so long as their eggs were cheap. If you even believe that - because I don't. I think it's pure hatred. And I want to make sure I have one final option if and when it comes down to it.
