Help I’m back after a colossal month-long breakdown

[madbananas]

Wanting to kill myself but "getting on with life" has now landed me stuck with responsibilities. I do have my material now though. Feeling horrendous. So low and being around people now just makes it more obvious that I'm an outsider. Tried all the formal "support" and help again (Cognitive behavioural therapy) yet it's basically just highlighting how hopeless I am and how I'm unable to adapt to become a "normal" human after repeated trauma. How I'm such a nuisance and burden for needing reassurance that people don't hate me. Life is truly poo for me. I want to live a happy life but that is never going to happen for me.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry, @madbananas.

 

[madbananas]

I'm sorry, @madbananas.

It's ok, thank you though. I just think I was made to kill myself. I am just so angry at how I ruin things over and over. I just can't function as a normal person and get abandoned by even the most "qualified" people.

 

[DyingAlf]

Sorry you've been going through an extra rough patch.
I found CBT (the therapy - I'm not misspelling CTB!) to be particularly unhelpful for trauma based stuff, is it possible for you to access some trauma based therapy? I'm not sure if it's helpful as I've only been doing it a short time but so far it's much better than CBT

 

[TheQ22]

Sorry you're having a hard time. When I went to the docs our illustrious NHS couldn't get me to see anyone for at least 3 months so I didn't bother, instead I did the free online CBT course. It was okay but I found CBT to take too long and require too much thinking and trying to remember what to do about different feelings, etc.

I should have gone for the real help. Doctor should have followed up on me too, but they don't bother. It's like a band aid for your mind to patch up a serious wound.

 

[madbananas]

Sorry you've been going through an extra rough patch.
I found CBT (the therapy - I'm not misspelling CTB!) to be particularly unhelpful for trauma based stuff, is it possible for you to access some trauma based therapy? I'm not sure if it's helpful as I've only been doing it a short time but so far it's much better than CBT

Resources in my area are awful. Two year wait for a psychologist but I should only have a year left to wait. Even then though they didn't want to initially refer me for one to one therapy because apparently emotional neglect, prolonged bullying and humiliation by both my peers (as a child) and adults, and assault only qualifies me for a 6 week group which teaches me how to tolerate my distress. I'm so tired of living in constant fear and basically being told I'm just too sensitive when in reality my past keeps repeating itself for whatever reason. Thanks anyway though, if I had money I would definitely be paying for private trauma therapy. But I also can't take being invalidated any more.

Sorry you're having a hard time. When I went to the docs our illustrious NHS couldn't get me to see anyone for at least 3 months so I didn't bother, instead I did the free online CBT course. It was okay but I found CBT to take too long and require too much thinking and trying to remember what to do about different feelings, etc.

I should have gone for the real help. Doctor should have followed up on me too, but they don't bother. It's like a band aid for your mind to patch up a serious wound.

I've done the online stuff too. This time my doctor did check up on me but I'm also being told I need to build my resilience which is just insulting considering what I've been through over the past year. And times before that. And my childhood. It really sucks. I feel like I'm completely broken to the core.

 

[TheQ22]

Resources in my area are awful. Two year wait for a psychologist but I should only have a year left to wait. Even then though they didn't want to initially refer me for one to one therapy because apparently emotional neglect, prolonged bullying and humiliation by both my peers (as a child) and adults, and assault only qualifies me for a 6 week group which teaches me how to tolerate my distress. I'm so tired of living in constant fear and basically being told I'm just too sensitive when in reality my past keeps repeating itself for whatever reason. Thanks anyway though, if I had money I would definitely be paying for private trauma therapy. But I also can't take being invalidated any more.

I've done the online stuff too. This time my doctor did check up on me but I'm also being told I need to build my resilience which is just insulting considering what I've been through over the past year. And times before that. And my childhood. It really sucks. I feel like I'm completely broken to the core.

It's woeful how underfunded it is, and how little they seem to care, or perhaps know how to deal with people who are struggling, I think a lot of stuff is about ticking the right boxes these days rather tha ngetting results.

I dread to think how overwhelmed they're going to be over the next few months. All of the debt collectors and repossessions etc were put on stop by the govt while I think October, and then they'll just take the brakes off - plus the furlough ends and I think a lot of people will suddenly be out of work, and not enough jobs to go round.

I expect the membership here will double by Christmas.

 

[madbananas]

It's woeful how underfunded it is, and how little they seem to care, or perhaps know how to deal with people who are struggling, I think a lot of stuff is about ticking the right boxes these days rather tha ngetting results.

I dread to think how overwhelmed they're going to be over the next few months. All of the debt collectors and repossessions etc were put on stop by the govt while I think October, and then they'll just take the brakes off - plus the furlough ends and I think a lot of people will suddenly be out of work, and not enough jobs to go round.

I expect the membership here will double by Christmas.

I agree. Society saddens me (putting it lightly).

 

[DyingAlf]

Yeah NHS options were crap upon more crap for me too & they flatly refused to offer me one-on-one therapy despite a lifetime of complex traumas.
Luckily I was fortunate enough to get to access private therapy which is holding me together just enough for now, until I'm ready to Ctb (unless therapy actually works & I end up not needing to...hmmm!)
I don't know you, or your situation, obviously but one thing I did start looking into before I got private therapy was this...If you are/could be eligible for PIP payments (it's possible with serious mental health issues but harder than if you have physical health issues) it could be a way to pay for private therapy.

 

[madbananas]

Yeah NHS options were crap upon more crap for me too & they flatly refused to offer me one-on-one therapy despite a lifetime of complex traumas.
Luckily I was fortunate enough to get to access private therapy which is holding me together just enough for now, until I'm ready to Ctb (unless therapy actually works & I end up not needing to...hmmm!)
I don't know you, or your situation, obviously but one thing I did start looking into before I got private therapy was this...If you are/could be eligible for PIP payments (it's possible with serious mental health issues but harder than if you have physical health issues) it could be a way to pay for private therapy.

I'd love to go down that route but I don't know how likely it would be for me to get it considering I'm meant to actually be in employment in a few months time. I'm a student now. Suppose I can look up prices and hopefully It isn't too expensive (my future job isn't that great for pay). Thank you for advice anyway :)

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I feel pretty much the same and didn't find cbt helpful it's like telling you your wrong and you got to be positive, I didn't believe it.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've been wondering where you went. I'm not happy for you that you're back, but I'm glad to see you.

 

[DyingAlf]

PIP is not based on savings or income so in theory having a job doesn't matter.
Might be worth looking into/researching.

There are some places that offer therapy on a sliding payment scale (depending on your income/what you can afford/) but the cheaper end is usually trainees/recently qualified & some of them won't accept you if they consider your problems "too complex" (because they're not experienced enough to cope I think). But that also probably depends on where you live/what's available in your area too.

 

[Denise2207]

@madbananas I'm going thru this myself right now and at times I am hysterical and have so much dispair I just don't know which way to turn. I am waiting for counselling and cbt. Never had either before so have no idea what to expect - Lots of crying but that happens everyday so that's nothing new. I'm sorry you have had a rough time and I hope things do improve for you, pm if you need to talk. Sending you lots of hugs xx

 

[madbananas]

I feel pretty much the same and didn't find cbt helpful it's like telling you your wrong and you got to be positive, I didn't believe it.

Exactly! It's like cbt isn't going to help me change my attachment style. I also am beginning to think I have high functioning autism as well when thinking about the meltdowns I have. So that with all the developmental trauma crap on top of that basically means I look like I'm just having major bitch fits over "nothing" because of all the complex stuff which even professionals can't understand. I'm sorry you feel the same way too. It's absolute hell.

I've been wondering where you went. I'm not happy for you that you're back, but I'm glad to see you.

I'm actually somewhat happy to be back because people here actually 'get it'. If only everyone here were employed in the mh services haha. Thank you though. I'm also not happy that you still are on here because of the obvious reason but I'm also happy that you're still on here because like you said it's nice to see you again!

PIP is not based on savings or income so in theory having a job doesn't matter.
Might be worth looking into/researching.

There are some places that offer therapy on a sliding payment scale (depending on your income/what you can afford/) but the cheaper end is usually trainees/recently qualified & some of them won't accept you if they consider your problems "too complex" (because they're not experienced enough to cope I think). But that also probably depends on where you live/what's available in your area too.

Lol I need Jesus

@madbananas I'm going thru this myself right now and at times I am hysterical and have so much dispair I just don't know which way to turn. I am waiting for counselling and cbt. Never had either before so have no idea what to expect - Lots of crying but that happens everyday so that's nothing new. I'm sorry you have had a rough time and I hope things do improve for you, pm if you need to talk. Sending you lots of hugs xx

Oh yeah the crying and hysterics is awful. I've literally went fleeing down the streets crying and screaming not too long ago after my Pandora's box of traumas was blown open I'm so sorry you're going through it too. Cbt kind of works for me when I'm talking to the therapist. But even my therapist said to me that it was like a tug of war with another entity (with me in the middle) when trying to help me see a more balanced point of view. So trying to do that work on my own is basically impossible for me. Some people find it helpful though! And counselling is good for getting things really off your chest. But alas, I'm a ruminator so when the PTSD is in full swing then getting things off my chest is just like the tank when you flush toilet (Just fills back up quickly). Sending you hugs too! Xx

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Really sorry to see you had to come back here bro. We're here to support you as always. Even if things didn't work out it's still really good that you tried your best. You are strong.