I’m awful at setting boundaries

[brittlemoth]

I can't say no to people. I mean I can, but not until I've been made so viscerally uncomfortable that I start lashing out at them. I feel like because I struggle to set boundaries with people they get used to walking right over my boundaries because they don't know not to. Currently, I feel really freaking on edge and like I'm about to have a break. I've been extra sensitive and whenever someone violates the tiniest boundary I have I feel like I'm being attacked and that I'm loosing my sanity. That makes it even more difficult to know what even is a boundary and what is me being incredibly sensitive because I'm vulnerable right now. I don't want people to have to walk on eggshells around me. It doesn't help that, being repeatedly abused as a kid, I got used to my boundaries not mattering from a young age so asserting myself always feels like an uphill battle. Nor does it help that, with my addictions and compulsions and general mental state, I tend to violate my own boundaries for myself regularly! Just wanted to vent, maybe someone can relate. I'm open to advice on this. Thanks for reading.

 

[Pomegranate]

I feel pretty much the same way. When I'm on good terms with someone, it's difficult to say no to them. Sure, it's always an option, but I get an extremely strong urge to say yes, knowing that no brings with it its own baggage. This people-pleasing behavior couldn't have shown itself stronger than at work. I began my first job, and found myself going out of my way helping coworkers, picking up shifts, etc. And it got harder and harder to say no, as I did not want to disappoint my colleagues. However, I've become increasingly dissatisfied and frustrated, having less free time at home and doing more heavy lifting that should instead by done by someone new that needs to be hired. To me, it feels like I should've made it crystal clear from the start that I am not a people pleaser, and now it's too late, so the only realistic option is to quit work. Yes, the physical aspect of the work is not easy, but it's the mental part that consumes me on a daily basis.

I can see why you feel the same way. You feel like you have no free will. You want to have healthy boundaries, but you're blocked by your concern that others would show a negative attitude towards you as as result. And I'll bet that you're someone who wants others to set their own boundaries, even if at your own expense (less time with friends, more money for bills, etc.) because you know how important they are. This doesn't mean others are evil - maybe they're genuinely good people who see you as "nice" and "helpful", so they think this is what you actually want to do. Either way, the effect is the same: boundaries are not enforced, and you and I pay the price by having a worse quality of life.

I wish I have a solution for either of us. It's been something that's been a massive struggle on a daily basis. And in the ocean of problems we have, it seems overwhelming to try to get a handle on it. A part of me tells me to concede that this is, for now, an insurmountable problem, that I don't have the time or energy to treat it, that I should cope with it until I quit my job, that maybe I'll always be like this. I hope this is all wrong, but I don't want to think about me people-pleasing all day long, that's exhausting too.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I also struggle with boundaries. I freeze a lot and lose words speaking out loud/in person but am not soooo bad typing. But I also find I like to be kept busy and distracted and really struggle with getting anything done if solely relying on my internal motivation. So that all often ends in me saying yes until a point where I get too pissed off and essentially have a tantrum and throw my toys out the pram. In work that might be an argument that then leads to embarrassment and/or quitting. With friends, confusion.

My therapist tried getting me to practice using boundaries with her but I made the point that that was stupid because I struggle with words at the best of times so me practicing trying to say no and not answer her questions seemed a ridiculous idea when I want/need her prompts and input and ideas (it didn't come up again).

I guess I've avoided it all now by isolating myself. Can't mess people around with my weird double standards and sudden out-the-blue over reactions any more. Atm even including my therapist. Got pissed off with her last week. I find it more isolating when I am surrounded by people and not being able to work out what I'm wanting to communicate than when I am solo and feel the same but at least I'm not involving or messing others around in my incompetence too.