kohaku
Nonbinary Hysteric
- Mar 27, 2019
- 188
every single damn day i have to come home. no one will help me move out. no one will take me in. every single day i have to go back to this fucking house where i'm insulted and constantly have to hear my dad screaming, because my mom never thought anything was wrong at all. she thinks it's perfectly fine, she thinks it doesn't just want to make me kill myself even more, thinks it's reasonable to become dependent on him for his retirement. she doesn't know it makes me want to give up. because every time i go back, no matter what i do, i will have this man tell me i'm worthless and that nothing i do is ever good enough.
my old best friend was going to help me, but he said he couldn't handle taking me in. not because of financial reasons, no. because he was introverted and needed his space. and he's no longer around for unrelated reasons but i almost find it hilarious that not even my best friend could understand the severity of my situation. it seems only my therapist does and she encourages me to try to find help, someone to get me out of there or to get a job or something. but i can't even do that. i'm so exhausted. i can't even care about anything anymore, i wonder if it's even worth getting out of bed most days. my mother knows i'm depressed, she doesn't understand that it's so bad just because of him.
it's not even like finding employment is easy, either. i am forced to go to the job office at least every 2 months just so i can keep my insurance. every single time, no results. "have you tried finding a job?" no, i'm tired. i don't care. no matter what i do it's all the fucking same. "you have to fight it" i wish i had the energy to. last friday, i had to go there again, the woman printed out some job offers. i called both and got my first interview, ever.
the man wanted me to work 12 hours a day, no overtime. they offered higher wages for the contract where i am not guaranteed any protection, insurance or paid breaks. i looked up reviews of the employer, and ostensibly they had a history of taking advantage of the vulnerable and disabled too.
i can't handle this. i just can't. i want to die but i don't know how. i have no privacy. i have no reliable method and i have no money. i always come back to this forum looking for help, but it never sticks. i hate myself. i want to die, i've wanted to for so long. i don't know any other way out of this if i don't get my shit together, even my meds aren't helping and i don't know how much longer i can handle waiting 3 months between psych visits because that's the healthcare system.
my old best friend was going to help me, but he said he couldn't handle taking me in. not because of financial reasons, no. because he was introverted and needed his space. and he's no longer around for unrelated reasons but i almost find it hilarious that not even my best friend could understand the severity of my situation. it seems only my therapist does and she encourages me to try to find help, someone to get me out of there or to get a job or something. but i can't even do that. i'm so exhausted. i can't even care about anything anymore, i wonder if it's even worth getting out of bed most days. my mother knows i'm depressed, she doesn't understand that it's so bad just because of him.
it's not even like finding employment is easy, either. i am forced to go to the job office at least every 2 months just so i can keep my insurance. every single time, no results. "have you tried finding a job?" no, i'm tired. i don't care. no matter what i do it's all the fucking same. "you have to fight it" i wish i had the energy to. last friday, i had to go there again, the woman printed out some job offers. i called both and got my first interview, ever.
the man wanted me to work 12 hours a day, no overtime. they offered higher wages for the contract where i am not guaranteed any protection, insurance or paid breaks. i looked up reviews of the employer, and ostensibly they had a history of taking advantage of the vulnerable and disabled too.
i can't handle this. i just can't. i want to die but i don't know how. i have no privacy. i have no reliable method and i have no money. i always come back to this forum looking for help, but it never sticks. i hate myself. i want to die, i've wanted to for so long. i don't know any other way out of this if i don't get my shit together, even my meds aren't helping and i don't know how much longer i can handle waiting 3 months between psych visits because that's the healthcare system.
