I convinced my family to adopt a shelter cat, we decided to adopt one I knew and spent a lot of time with at the shelter. Out of 300 or so cats, she's the one that would always come running when I arrived at the shelter gate. She's the sweetest most clever little thing I've ever met, and another family already had eyes on her, but they're foreigners that live in Germany. The head carer (who is also German and knows this other couple) likes me a lot because the cats calm down when I'm with them, and let me foster her as a trial for 4 weeks, and if successful I would get to keep her forever. But after her first day she managed to open my bedroom door while we were asleep and climbed everywhere. But the worst thing is she managed to knock over my mother's favorite lamp, which my father bought for her way before I was born, and now my parents are set on taking her back to the shelter. I can't blame them, it's their house and there's a lot of expensive stuff everywhere that a cat can destroy. I'm actually amazed the lamp is the only thing she managed to break. Now she's set to go for Germany in two weeks' time and I will never see her again. I'm miserable because my egoism led to this wonderful cat to have a stressful day of being locked in her carrier (with food and water) while we wait for the head carer to come take her to her home until she gets to leave for Germany. I already knew the house is not a good fit for a cat but still persisted to adopt her. The carer should be here in about an hour, and then I'll have the night to myself.
But that's not the main reason I'm done. All my life I've been told I was supposed to become something great. That I'm so intelligent and how proud I'm going to make my parents when I grow up. Halfway through my bachelors degree I got so depressed I started hallucinating and being delusional to the point that I would refuse to leave the house unless it was an exceptional case like a therapist appointment once every 2 weeks or so. This was all while I was medicated with sertraline and shuffling through 6 different antipsychotics that didn't seem to do shit.
Things were starting to get better when the university let me take a year off to focus on my health, and for a while both me and everyone including the psychiatrist were convinced the medication was finally working. The truth is I spent a year more dead than alive with no energy to do anything. Before I was depressed I would genuinely enjoy playing online games and even working as an intern for a financial software company. Fine I lied about the latter but the pay was good for a student. Now I can't stand sitting on a chair for 5 minutes. Doing easy everyday tasks like going downstairs for breakfast irritates me more and more everyday. The medication has slowly turned me into a living zombie. Going to the shelter for 3 hours would be enough to tire me out for the rest of the day. I thought getting a cat would give me some responsibility and motivate me to get up in the morning and take care of her. And I did, for the first day she came, I set up her space, let her explore my room and tried to make her comfortable. I was feeling hopeful that things would start to change for the better.
Now the midterm exams are coming up and I've started "hallucinating" again. Small odd things like my peripheral vision going wonky and making things up, like rays of light coming out of the furniture. I've also been hearing subtle things that just don't make sense like static that seems to be coming from inside my ears or footsteps coming from downstairs when I'm alone in the house. It's not enough to drive me mad, but it can be very distracting especially when I have to study or do my assignments. They don't last very long and come and go randomly. With hallucinations I get paranoid and then eventually I become crazy.
Even if by some miracle I do graduate, it will be with a petty grade at this point, and I will likely not be allowed to further study for my masters and maybe doctorate. And it's not even because I don't understand the material, it's just because I have been slacking a lot when it comes to working on assignments. I just don't care enough to do some vague assignment.
It took me an hour to write this... so the carer will be here soon. I've already said goodbye to the cat, I'm never going to see her again.
But that's not the main reason I'm done. All my life I've been told I was supposed to become something great. That I'm so intelligent and how proud I'm going to make my parents when I grow up. Halfway through my bachelors degree I got so depressed I started hallucinating and being delusional to the point that I would refuse to leave the house unless it was an exceptional case like a therapist appointment once every 2 weeks or so. This was all while I was medicated with sertraline and shuffling through 6 different antipsychotics that didn't seem to do shit.
Things were starting to get better when the university let me take a year off to focus on my health, and for a while both me and everyone including the psychiatrist were convinced the medication was finally working. The truth is I spent a year more dead than alive with no energy to do anything. Before I was depressed I would genuinely enjoy playing online games and even working as an intern for a financial software company. Fine I lied about the latter but the pay was good for a student. Now I can't stand sitting on a chair for 5 minutes. Doing easy everyday tasks like going downstairs for breakfast irritates me more and more everyday. The medication has slowly turned me into a living zombie. Going to the shelter for 3 hours would be enough to tire me out for the rest of the day. I thought getting a cat would give me some responsibility and motivate me to get up in the morning and take care of her. And I did, for the first day she came, I set up her space, let her explore my room and tried to make her comfortable. I was feeling hopeful that things would start to change for the better.
Now the midterm exams are coming up and I've started "hallucinating" again. Small odd things like my peripheral vision going wonky and making things up, like rays of light coming out of the furniture. I've also been hearing subtle things that just don't make sense like static that seems to be coming from inside my ears or footsteps coming from downstairs when I'm alone in the house. It's not enough to drive me mad, but it can be very distracting especially when I have to study or do my assignments. They don't last very long and come and go randomly. With hallucinations I get paranoid and then eventually I become crazy.
Even if by some miracle I do graduate, it will be with a petty grade at this point, and I will likely not be allowed to further study for my masters and maybe doctorate. And it's not even because I don't understand the material, it's just because I have been slacking a lot when it comes to working on assignments. I just don't care enough to do some vague assignment.
It took me an hour to write this... so the carer will be here soon. I've already said goodbye to the cat, I'm never going to see her again.
