Venting i'm always listening but i'm never heard

[iloveyouihateyou]

author's note: upon completion i realize the central idea of this post kind of goes all over the place but i feel my thoughts should still be seen regardless in case anyone relates

i was never one to talk to begin with, as i grew up i learned how to socialize better, even becoming "likable" to some extent. i feel like i'm a much better listener nowadays, but i've also noticed that i voice my own opinions or ideas less and less as time goes on.

i'll give the rundown of my average interaction: before meeting, i make a plan to go somewhere, i share my excitement, i wait.. next day comes, meet up with (2) friends, i ask "how's life been?" or recall previously mentioned event, friend shares, i listen and ask more questions about how they're feeling about x to get to know them better, give some perspective to drive along conversation, ask other friend same thing, catch up, catch up, etc... let everyone share their stories/grievances... walking, talking, vibing out...

my turn, begin to test water with half truth statements like "life's such a drag sometimes", nothing too controversial. discuss a bit, share some more pain points in similar vain to what they were saying earlier, share deeper thoughts. everyone listens, laugh every now and then to lighten mood, end my rant with "but yeah i guess that's just a part of life", friends start sharing opinions on what i say, sharing alleged solutions or their viewpoint, not really acknowledging what i say or giving me much sympathy. start hearing about how they got through "my situation" during their own life, tells me i'll be alright because they have dealt with worse... sit listening for an hour about someone's life story that started with me looking for help, not once does the subject return to me... nothing said is related to what i originally shared, barely remember my original statment, not enough time to redirect conversation, night ends. i message after saying "we should do this again sometime"...

... next time comes, nothing i said prior was acknowledged or mentioned, i open with recalling what they spoke about last time.. repeat previous steps.

of course there's alot of laughs to be had inbetween these brief moments, lots of memories to share, lots of time spent together, that sort of stuff i really appreciate and wouldn't want to lose. but i've noticed after alot of thinking, alot of sitting back and really analyzing how things play out and i'm realizing something. i realize that i don't really talk about anything that means alot to myself. like i don't get to share about my deeper thoughts or more hidden interests with others. i kind of just welcome people and direct conversation, open people up for more discussion, and sure it helps alot when you're meeting others or trying to get people comfortable, i like making others feel heard and engaged with but doing all of this, doesn't make the other person ready to listen and engage back with me. i understand not everyone likes to talk, or maybe people are shy, and that's completely fine. but with people i claim as my friend, with people i consistently listen to and keep up with, i wonder why the interest is rarely reciprocated.

i think back to 2 times where i shared some life changing stuff with them, the death of my best friend and then a very life affecting situation with an S/O, and all i remember hearing is some sorrys, some unsolicited advice, learn some more about a friend's history with the "same" situation, lots of silence, and then a smooth subject change into something.. more manageable? or relatable? less painful? oh i don't know.. the worst part is that even with these situations i shared the subject wasn't even about me and how i felt, it was about the thing surrounding me if that makes sense. like no one ever asked me how i felt, or if there was anything they could do, it kind of just felt like a subject on a podcast and then it's all forgotten shortly after listening. i thought it was just a one off thing but it's been like 2 years since i shared about my friend dying and she hasn't been brought up in conversation since the day i told them. i always wonder if i'm caring too much but whenever i think of this scenario everything around me seems to go silent. did they just forget? are they too afraid to mention it again? is the topic too sensitive? am i expecting too much from others?

i don't know i just always saw my friends as this second family, people i could grow with and be young and stupid with with no judgement. but now i just feel like i'm trying to uphold a sort of image of myself for them. the same way i do with my actual family. the same way i do with almost everyone and it makes me so sad. i don't even know where i'm going with this thread anymore. i don't even mind the advice that my friends give me like i always try to learn and listen to them but, i just wish it felt like they would listen to me first and hear me out first before they derail the conversation, i always feel like a stepping stone for others to segue into talking about themselves. maybe i promote a good sharing enviroment? for everyone but myself?... maybe my friend is a narcissist? they joke about it sometimes but i tell them they shouldn't be happy to be like that, i know of many narcissistic parents who have destroyed the lives of their families and i would hate to see him become like that but what do i know..

i just wish at the very least that my friends seemed like they remembered a word i say to them, at least remember the times that i'm taking the leap to share about myself when it's become so difficult to even open my mouth, or get out of the house, or get out of bed. i don't even want to wake up from my sleep, i wish i could just drift away into death every time i close my eyes but i don't tell my friends that. i wonder what would happen if i did? i wonder if everyone would cut me loose or care about me more somehow? i wonder if these people even count as good friends anymore, sometimes i feel like i just hang around these people just so i don't have to be by myself outside, i wonder if i'm the bad person for that? maybe i'm actually the shit friend? i have so many questions that i'll probably never get the answers to. this sea of words is becoming so complicated so let me just sum up everything: i feel lonely as fuck in my city, i feel scared of living, i don't know what i'm going to do or what i am doing, i'm too afraid to catch the bus and i'm so confused as to what i should do next. i think i need to go for a smoke now :')


this was such a mess but if you read all of this and have anything to say or share about what i said, i would be happy to hear it.. i hope you can have a nice day today!

 

[blackbeauty]

Reading this post made me feel so emotional as I see myself in it.

I think it's great you're a good listener, it's such a good and rare skill to have these days. I hope I'm not insulting your friends when I say this but I wonder if it's because we all have different levels of emotional intelligence which influences how we communicate and socialise. Sometimes people are unaware about giving others the opportunity to let all their feelings out without being interrupted and just listen.

I'm really sorry about your friend that passed away! I can sense you're still carrying the grief with you as it seems you didn't get the chance to process it with your friends in the way you had hoped? Supporting others going through grief is such a tough thing for some people as they are not sure what to say if it's not something they've had to navigate before.

You are not a bad person or a bad friend! It sounds like you do so much to connect with others. I wonder if being direct with your friends about the support you need would change how they listen to you as they could be unaware of what they are doing.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can reach out!

Hope you have a nice day too. :)

 

[astr4]

i think sometimes we end up stuck in shitty friendships because it's what's familiar to us… you say you saw these friends as your second family so that implies you've known them for a very long time. possible you've outgrown them?

i also think we get into certain patterns with friends, like if you're always the one making plans sometimes that just becomes your role, and people will take that for granted, etc, and you're left wondering "they don't ever make plans with me, do they not care?" when it's possible they do care but that's just the limitations of the dynamic they're comfortable with. sounds like maybe they're not comfortable with these deeper more serious conversations but also yeah sounds like they might also just be a little self centred. some people don't really grow out of that which is a shame.

it sounds like maybe they're just… lacking in emotional bandwidth? emotional intelligence? which yeah makes them bad friends but maybe give them some grace because i don't think it's deliberate. and people can and do learn over time. but it's also possible maybe you've outgrown these friendships and need deeper connections? idk just my 2c!

in any case you've become a familiar user on here and you play the same video games as me i think! so i'm a little biased towards you and i think you seem like a kind person who deserves better friendships

 

[Redacted24]

You are a good, kind, caring person towards others. You listen actively - that's hard work! - and keep things flowing.

I agree that we tend to get into social patterns of behavior, where we all perform our assigned or adopted roles without even thinking about them, just out of habit.

It might be that your friends are unsure how to talk with you on the more serious subjects to the depth you crave. They might not want to ask about your loss, being afraid of reopening the deep hurt you feel, because they want to protect you. They're probably a bit unsure how to connect with you in this way, in the way you would like.

I'm a listener too. I get it. I want to be heard too, genuinely, actively. But it's hard to find.

Would you consider getting together with a subset of the group and telling them openly that you'd appreciate their advice and help, that you're struggling a bit? If they're afraid to pull open the door to your hurt, perhaps you can invite them in.

And like others here responded, there are a lot of really kind people here who would listen without judgement, and share support and experience with you gladly.

We're all in this together!

 

[meowmix]

author's note: upon completion i realize the central idea of this post kind of goes all over the place but i feel my thoughts should still be seen regardless in case anyone relates

i was never one to talk to begin with, as i grew up i learned how to socialize better, even becoming "likable" to some extent. i feel like i'm a much better listener nowadays, but i've also noticed that i voice my own opinions or ideas less and less as time goes on.

i'll give the rundown of my average interaction: before meeting, i make a plan to go somewhere, i share my excitement, i wait.. next day comes, meet up with (2) friends, i ask "how's life been?" or recall previously mentioned event, friend shares, i listen and ask more questions about how they're feeling about x to get to know them better, give some perspective to drive along conversation, ask other friend same thing, catch up, catch up, etc... let everyone share their stories/grievances... walking, talking, vibing out...

my turn, begin to test water with half truth statements like "life's such a drag sometimes", nothing too controversial. discuss a bit, share some more pain points in similar vain to what they were saying earlier, share deeper thoughts. everyone listens, laugh every now and then to lighten mood, end my rant with "but yeah i guess that's just a part of life", friends start sharing opinions on what i say, sharing alleged solutions or their viewpoint, not really acknowledging what i say or giving me much sympathy. start hearing about how they got through "my situation" during their own life, tells me i'll be alright because they have dealt with worse... sit listening for an hour about someone's life story that started with me looking for help, not once does the subject return to me... nothing said is related to what i originally shared, barely remember my original statment, not enough time to redirect conversation, night ends. i message after saying "we should do this again sometime"...

... next time comes, nothing i said prior was acknowledged or mentioned, i open with recalling what they spoke about last time.. repeat previous steps.

of course there's alot of laughs to be had inbetween these brief moments, lots of memories to share, lots of time spent together, that sort of stuff i really appreciate and wouldn't want to lose. but i've noticed after alot of thinking, alot of sitting back and really analyzing how things play out and i'm realizing something. i realize that i don't really talk about anything that means alot to myself. like i don't get to share about my deeper thoughts or more hidden interests with others. i kind of just welcome people and direct conversation, open people up for more discussion, and sure it helps alot when you're meeting others or trying to get people comfortable, i like making others feel heard and engaged with but doing all of this, doesn't make the other person ready to listen and engage back with me. i understand not everyone likes to talk, or maybe people are shy, and that's completely fine. but with people i claim as my friend, with people i consistently listen to and keep up with, i wonder why the interest is rarely reciprocated.

i think back to 2 times where i shared some life changing stuff with them, the death of my best friend and then a very life affecting situation with an S/O, and all i remember hearing is some sorrys, some unsolicited advice, learn some more about a friend's history with the "same" situation, lots of silence, and then a smooth subject change into something.. more manageable? or relatable? less painful? oh i don't know.. the worst part is that even with these situations i shared the subject wasn't even about me and how i felt, it was about the thing surrounding me if that makes sense. like no one ever asked me how i felt, or if there was anything they could do, it kind of just felt like a subject on a podcast and then it's all forgotten shortly after listening. i thought it was just a one off thing but it's been like 2 years since i shared about my friend dying and she hasn't been brought up in conversation since the day i told them. i always wonder if i'm caring too much but whenever i think of this scenario everything around me seems to go silent. did they just forget? are they too afraid to mention it again? is the topic too sensitive? am i expecting too much from others?

i don't know i just always saw my friends as this second family, people i could grow with and be young and stupid with with no judgement. but now i just feel like i'm trying to uphold a sort of image of myself for them. the same way i do with my actual family. the same way i do with almost everyone and it makes me so sad. i don't even know where i'm going with this thread anymore. i don't even mind the advice that my friends give me like i always try to learn and listen to them but, i just wish it felt like they would listen to me first and hear me out first before they derail the conversation, i always feel like a stepping stone for others to segue into talking about themselves. maybe i promote a good sharing enviroment? for everyone but myself?... maybe my friend is a narcissist? they joke about it sometimes but i tell them they shouldn't be happy to be like that, i know of many narcissistic parents who have destroyed the lives of their families and i would hate to see him become like that but what do i know..

i just wish at the very least that my friends seemed like they remembered a word i say to them, at least remember the times that i'm taking the leap to share about myself when it's become so difficult to even open my mouth, or get out of the house, or get out of bed. i don't even want to wake up from my sleep, i wish i could just drift away into death every time i close my eyes but i don't tell my friends that. i wonder what would happen if i did? i wonder if everyone would cut me loose or care about me more somehow? i wonder if these people even count as good friends anymore, sometimes i feel like i just hang around these people just so i don't have to be by myself outside, i wonder if i'm the bad person for that? maybe i'm actually the shit friend? i have so many questions that i'll probably never get the answers to. this sea of words is becoming so complicated so let me just sum up everything: i feel lonely as fuck in my city, i feel scared of living, i don't know what i'm going to do or what i am doing, i'm too afraid to catch the bus and i'm so confused as to what i should do next. i think i need to go for a smoke now :')


this was such a mess but if you read all of this and have anything to say or share about what i said, i would be happy to hear it.. i hope you can have a nice day today!

Haha me too

Haha me too

We're on the exact same boat. Nobody seems to listen to me in my friend group or anyone in general. Feel kinda like a ghost.