Venting I'm almost there but I'm going crazy

[ALittleBurden]

Ok, so I've been wanting to ctb for years, but I could never get from dreaming to planning. It has changerd with the beginning of July, I stared to gain more courage and lately I got really determined to prepare everything. Unfortunately as I was getting closer to the bus stop, I was getting more anxious. Originally I planned to do it today, but I feel like I may need few more days, and I'll do it before the end of this week. I just really wish I could find peace in my last moments. Anxiety has been crushing me my entire life and I really hoped I could experience calmness, at least now. I don't have any meds so I just have to talk myself into comfort. I start to worry that my death will be a problem for people I hate. I worry it will be a burden for my friends, and in the same time I'm afraid they won't care at all. I try to be rational and find some balance. I'm telling myself to stay strong, and that I won't chicken out...but I don't feel the courage anymore... I really don't want to miss the bus, but damn, why can't this be easier...?

 

[No hope]

Ok, so I've been wanting to ctb for years, but I could never get from dreaming to planning. It has changerd with the beginning of July, I stared to gain more courage and lately I got really determined to prepare everything. Unfortunately as I was getting closer to the bus stop, I was getting more anxious. Originally I planned to do it today, but I feel like I may need few more days, and I'll do it before the end of this week. I just really wish I could find peace in my last moments. Anxiety has been crushing me my entire life and I really hoped I could experience calmness, at least now. I don't have any meds so I just have to talk myself into comfort. I start to worry that my death will be a problem for people I hate. I worry it will be a burden for my friends, and in the same time I'm afraid they won't care at all. I try to be rational and find some balance. I'm telling myself to stay strong, and that I won't chicken out...but I don't feel the courage anymore... I really don't want to miss the bus, but damn, why can't this be easier...?

Can I ask how u plan to go

 

[Gettingtotheglory]

I agree with many of the things you wrote. I have also starting the final preparations. I would like to clean and throw some stuff away, but i probably wont. I am also just trying to relax and face it. I dont worry about the people I hate, but I do worry about my friends and I believe they will care a great deal. I really wish is was easier too. Hopefully, I make it happen

 

[Baskol1]

Ok, so I've been wanting to ctb for years, but I could never get from dreaming to planning. It has changerd with the beginning of July, I stared to gain more courage and lately I got really determined to prepare everything. Unfortunately as I was getting closer to the bus stop, I was getting more anxious. Originally I planned to do it today, but I feel like I may need few more days, and I'll do it before the end of this week. I just really wish I could find peace in my last moments. Anxiety has been crushing me my entire life and I really hoped I could experience calmness, at least now. I don't have any meds so I just have to talk myself into comfort. I start to worry that my death will be a problem for people I hate. I worry it will be a burden for my friends, and in the same time I'm afraid they won't care at all. I try to be rational and find some balance. I'm telling myself to stay strong, and that I won't chicken out...but I don't feel the courage anymore... I really don't want to miss the bus, but damn, why can't this be easier...?

Did you try to treat your anxiety?

 

[ALittleBurden]

Can I ask how u plan to go

Full suspension. I'll have a bag on my head + some weights tied to my hands and legs to hopefully make it easier and prevent me from fighting in case the survival instinct kicks in.

Did you try to treat your anxiety?

Yeah, but it's really hard for me to continue the treatment, and there was still a plenty of issues

 

[oopswronglife]

There is no "missing the bus". If it comes it comes when you are ready for it to rather than driving past never to return. Nothing you are feeling is wrong or a failure. It's being human. There are very few circumstances where someone HAS to do it at a certain time or place or they will lose the chance. We all imagine it like some situation in a movie where we are a prisoner...about to be tortured again and we have to do it now or the guards will find us and take our method and hurt us more and put us back worse off in a neverending hell. It FEELS like that. But at least half of that is us making it worse with added pressure. It's bad enough as it is. Most of that pressure is stuff we put on ourselves because we decide we cannot go a moment longer. Then we do. I know that doesn't help in the moment...I have terrible anxiety too...but remembering that can help at the end of the day and if you can try to remember that each time you have a panic it can help bring you down as well. I have to do this multiple times every day...and many days I am sure I won't last another. One day I might crack...someone does worldwide every 40 seconds. But billions more keep going and for today I am one of them and it sounds like you need to be as well even just to reorganize. Maybe those days stack up to a natural death and you don't have to worry anymore. Maybe you find the peace in a decision one way or another. From years and years of this it seems like its something you cannot force. You are ready when you are ready.

 

[Baskol1]

There is no "missing the bus". If it comes it comes when you are ready for it to rather than driving past never to return. Nothing you are feeling is wrong or a failure. It's being human. There are very few circumstances where someone HAS to do it at a certain time or place or they will lose the chance. We all imagine it like some situation in a movie where we are a prisoner...about to be tortured again and we have to do it now or the guards will find us and take our method and hurt us more and put us back worse off in a neverending hell. It FEELS like that. But at least half of that is us making it worse with added pressure. It's bad enough as it is. Most of that pressure is stuff we put on ourselves because we decide we cannot go a moment longer. Then we do. I know that doesn't help in the moment...I have terrible anxiety too...but remembering that can help at the end of the day and if you can try to remember that each time you have a panic it can help bring you down as well. I have to do this multiple times every day...and many days I am sure I won't last another.

But 10 days later youre still there. Maybe i dont kill myself, maybe never? Ill have to see.