Help I'm afraid I'm about to make a terrible mistake.

[k75]

I've done so much careful research, and I have so much left to do before I go. I'm not ready yet, but tonight all logic is gone.

Right now my mind is in full panic mode and I don't even know why. All night ive been fighting the urge to rush and use methods I've never even considered until right this second just to escape this crisis.

You guys don't know me, and I know it's asking a lot, but I was kind of hoping maybe someone would be willing to help talk me down from the ledge tonight? I'm really scared.

 

[jake3d]

We are here for you, no matter what path you choose. What happened?

 

[k75]

I don't know. I was fine, and then I wasn't. I just started feeling this urgency, like I should just hurt myself right now and say fuck the plan and just end it all right now.

I tried to force myself to sleep, so I'd be safe, but my mind won't turn off. I'm obsessing about every tiny mistake I've ever made and how I'm going to hurt all the people who love me. It just keeps feeding the urges. I don't know what to do.

 

[jake3d]

I know that feeling very well. Try putting on something boring to give you something to focus on, to stop your mind for racing. I like "Sleep with me podcast", google it. Pop some anti-anxiety pills if you have them or make yourself some tea if you don't.

 

[k75]

Thanks for the suggestions. I'd forgotten about that podcast. I used to listen to it all the time. I'm trying it now.

I could really use some anxiety meds right now, but I'm out. My psychiatrist swapped them for beta blockers that do not work. This is a nightmare.

I really appreciate you taking the time to chat with me.

 

[Thanatos]

Weed usually keeps me from any impulse ctb thoughts, it's amazing what its able to do for me but it's not a cure. My dates set but I'd be dead already without weed imo

 

[k75]

Sadly, that's not an option for me. I'm glad it works for you, though.

I don't understand why this is happening. I just can't calm down.

 

[Thanatos]

Sadly, that's not an option for me. I'm glad it works for you, though.

I don't understand why this is happening. I just can't calm down.

That's okay I find distractions can be very helpful as some people have already mentioned, listen to some music, watch a TV show or movie you like, read, eat, talk with friends(not an option for everyone), etc... if all else fails I usually try to force myself asleep

 

[Joannf]

Sadly, that's not an option for me. I'm glad it works for you, though.

I don't understand why this is happening. I just can't calm down.

Lacking other methods, I find the thought that I can easily exit (after clearing all the technicalities up myself, testing it out etc.) very empowering and becalming.
I CAN DO IT ANYTIME i LIKE. I've been working on it and yeah, its feasible. So I'm in no hurry and I don't feel oppressed anymore.
Moods change simply because of brain chemistry. That's no real reason to be excited ;)) It is there because it is, but it will pass.
If you're not a strong-willed person, then you will have no other option than to wait it out in the knowledge that you it will just happen.
If you're strong-willed enough, you can patiently force it aside by thinking positive.
This is a practical form of mental Yoga that should be trained by everybody... it took me a few years to learn, and I was suicidal all the time, but since then I never panicked. I always bully through in attack mode till the situation resolves - I'm not going to die before that happens , if all hell breaks loose ;)

 

[k75]

Up until now, I've been able to resist being impulsive. I have a timeframe I want to keep, and a list of things I want to do before the end. I've been determined to stick to the plan, and while I've had to fight some pretty strong urges, just knowing I wanted to do that has been enough.

But tonight has been terrifying because I really feel in danger of tossing all that aside and just doing whatever is convenient. Not only will I be leaving a mess behind, I won't get to say last goodbyes or make sure my cat is taken care of and will probably resort to a bad method that fails and leaves me worse off.

I've literally just been forcing myself to lie in bed, chanting "stop" in my head for hours. I can't stop crying and thinking and panicking.

 

[Shamana]

I've done so much careful research, and I have so much left to do before I go. I'm not ready yet, but tonight all logic is gone.

Right now my mind is in full panic mode and I don't even know why. All night ive been fighting the urge to rush and use methods I've never even considered until right this second just to escape this crisis.

You guys don't know me, and I know it's asking a lot, but I was kind of hoping maybe someone would be willing to help talk me down from the ledge tonight? I'm really scared.

Constantly having thoughts about your immenent death and making decisions on whether or not to kill yourself is immensely stressfull. I think it is for most. It certainly is for me.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Up until now, I've been able to resist being impulsive. I have a timeframe I want to keep, and a list of things I want to do before the end. I've been determined to stick to the plan, and while I've had to fight some pretty strong urges, just knowing I wanted to do that has been enough.

But tonight has been terrifying because I really feel in danger of tossing all that aside and just doing whatever is convenient. Not only will I be leaving a mess behind, I won't get to say last goodbyes or make sure my cat is taken care of and will probably resort to a bad method that fails and leaves me worse off.

I've literally just been forcing myself to lie in bed, chanting "stop" in my head for hours. I can't stop crying and thinking and panicking.

Hugs! I'm glad to read this update and that you remained strong. I know that feeling all too well. The taste of just doing it despite a plan... it's a rough spot to be in.

Asking for help is such a brave moment, good for you! For next time... here's a couple "tools" I use to help, hopefully something helps with you. I read, play a game, drink a beer, take my dog out for a walk, get lost in YouTube or podcasts or sit near water.

Hugs

 

[k75]

Thank you! I feel anything but brave right now. Reaching out like I did felt weak and absurd, considering I was trying to avoid suicide while actively being suicidal. Confusing.

I think I've exhausted myself into a sort of shut down mode now, though. Just have to make it a few more hours and then I can see my therapist. They won't be able to help, of course, but it'll force me out of the house and be a major distraction. I just hope I can appear sane enough to not be sectioned. That would officially break me. I'm terrified I might say or do something stupid. I know better... Just really don't trust myself at the moment.

 

[Darkhaven]

Just try to relax, man.
Order a pizza or have a meal you really like and do something you enjoy: watch some netflix or play your favourite videogame and try not to think on it for a while to see if you calm down.

 

[Ruffian]

This may sound strange, but I actually like to ride any kind of rail when I get like that. I know that panic, I'm almost a total anarchist, but it's probably a good thing you can't own a gun if you have a mental health history. The general public figures we will cause the next mass shooting, but truth is we're more likely to turn the gun on ourselves. I've had what you're describing and it's beyond panic; I actively looked for a moving vehicle to jump in front of. Anyway, I ended up on the subway and something about just moving made me feel better. It may not be an option, and please don't go near any high speed lines!! Sometimes I park by them and time them, but I wouldn't want to traumatize the operator. Just keep talking on here - we feel for you and will always listen!!!

 

[Arbie]

Weed usually keeps me from any impulse ctb thoughts, it's amazing what its able to do for me but it's not a cure. My dates set but I'd be dead already without weed imo

THANK GOD for weed! I would also of been dead long ago without it.

 

[not_a_robot]

The first "terrible mistake" we make is being born at all.