Help I'm afraid I'll lose my temper at Christmas

[WearyHSP]

I have both heart-breaking sadness and rage at my family for ignoring and silencing me all my life (I'm old now - late 50s.)

It's a long story. I won't go into it, let's just say, something terrible happened to me when I was 7 and per flashbacks it was so bad, I begged them to kill me. My siblings didn't have that experience and since I didn't start having flashbacks until I was 30, they don't know anything about it, though it affects my every minute of every day. They don't ignore or silence each other or my Mom who is still alive, Just me. All of my life. In fairness my mother started the pattern with her required toxic positivity.

I'm often not invited to family holidays but I've been invited to Christmas. (Between the trauma and a disabling illness at age 35, I never created a family of my own.) I have constant internal rage about always being singled out as the scapegoat, not being cared about, being minimized and silenced.

I will try, as I always do, to remain silent and only ask others about themselves. Things go better when I don't talk. BUT, the rage is so ever present and constant it brings up pain when I'm around them, because of the long history and I can't help myself, and I let slip something about trauma or PTSD and they are silent and ignore me and it just feels worse.

Surely some people would say give up on them. If I had ANYONE in my life that would be easier to do. And, I'd like to see my nephews. I just have to find a way of either lying, which I'm bad at, or changing the subject when they ask how I am. I have no great things to share because I'm so sick that I have no quality of life. All I can talk about is tv and movies. (I mean, I have things to share, but they're all things they don't want to hear.)

I know advice likely won't help me, but some kind words or hearing from people in similar situations would. So weary of being the outsider.

 

[rationalis]

That is really hard when you literally have no one. I find it easy to write people off but I do have a few family members, dogs, and a lot of personal interests so am content.

Maybe you can attend local council meetings and become a bit of a crank. I did that for a few years before giving up. Now preparing for the end of civilization.

 

[WearyHSP]

Maybe you can attend local council meetings and become a bit of a crank. I did that for a few years before giving up. Now preparing for the end of civilization.

You actually made me lol. Thanks, so rare to laugh. Glad you aren't alone and are content.

I used to have a full life and a lot of interests before I got too sick. My family was never a positive force in my life but that was okay while I had other good things to fill the gap and always had hope I'd have my own "found family" someday.

It's not the illness so much as the horrible trauma and my being silenced by family, friends, therapists... everyone. It's actually pretty freaky the degree in which this pattern has attached itself to me.

As for attending council meetings... I have intolerable "sound flooding." my brain isn't working right and it doesn't sort noise properly. When I'm in public, the cross-noise/cross talk is like bombs exploding in my head. It's excruciating. That's a real bugger when trying to be social while clutching ears in pain and grimacing.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. It sounds like you have been through a lot. No one should have to be treated that way by others. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[rationalis]

Having an invisible illness must be very hard.

I had tinnitus that went away on its own.

 

[WearyHSP]

Reporting back that I didn't lose my temper.

My sister is a trigger and she glared at me a couple of times when she didn't approve of what I said, but mostly she was in the kitchen (where I was not). Thankfully I had a nice time with my nephews who are lovely to be around.
So relieved I didn't blow up and make them put even more distance between us.

Thanks for the support.