Venting I’m actually scared

[Maximoo]

It's almost funny, I was much braver back when I was 13 and had my first suicide attempt. Maybe because I knew, subconsciously, that it wouldn't work. But I've got a better plan now. It might actually work. This would be a good time to do it, but then I have to make a decision fast. And I'm scared. I didn't think I'd be, but I am. But at the same time, I know if I don't do it now, I will regret it tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. How the fuck do you work up the courage to ctb? I really feel like it's time to go but I'm so scared.

Sorry I just needed to vent for a bit

 

[dandan]

I feel ya, when I tried the Nitrogen exit bag I was not able to do it properly maybe because it didn't work... I'm sorry... Maybe that survival instinct is powerful and that's not a bad thing... Or uncommon... We want to but we don't... We continue in this little hell of ours for a bit longer...

You are not alone, I won't tell you to be brave, or to be stupid and unconscious, I don't want you to ctb nor I want you to continue suffering...

Did you choose a peacefully method?

 

[chrijo]

Me and many others here feel the same way. You're not alone with this shit. Sometimes I just sit in my apartment for hours, staring pointlessly at the ceiling and wonder why not right now? I also regret every further day. I wouldn't have missed a thing if I'd left ten years ago.

 

[Maximoo]

I feel ya, when I tried the Nitrogen exit bag I was not able to do it properly maybe because it didn't work... I'm sorry... Maybe that survival instinct is powerful and that's not a bad thing... Or uncommon... We want to but we don't... We continue in this little hell of ours for a bit longer...

You are not alone, I won't tell you to be brave, or to be stupid and unconscious, I don't want you to ctb nor I want you to continue suffering...

Did you choose a peacefully method?

I chose hanging, full suspension, not sure if I made right choice now... hopefully survival instinct won't save me during the first few seconds before I become unconscious

 

[dandan]

In the end every method is similar , taking the steps to ctb seem simple and painless , but it's that last steps which.... For example I have my N, drinking it ain't painful..... But that doesn't mean it's gonna be easy drinking it.

 

[Querry1]

When I had my attempt, I just went through one day. I was never more scared in my life. It's hard, but you have to make a choice.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I have litterally no survival instinct because I have nembutal. And on top of that I will live my life the best I can until I am an old man, at which point when there is no more reason to keep pushing on I will end it and fall asleep and exit life. Meaning there will be not doubts in my mind once I am ready to go.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

its damn scary.. Im still trying to calm myself down and come to terms with it. and it might be okay now, but what about the moment I do it? All that attempting to relax and reassure will go out the window, and ik this from experience. That S.I !! I hate it!
just let me go through with it damn it.

 

[Soon4me]

Survival Instinct is a bitch.I read that Kurt Cobain watched a video of a guy shooting himself in the head,he watched it over and over again,maybe that tricked his mind into making it seem more normal.

 

[Ch92921]

Survival Instinct is a bitch.I read that Kurt Cobain watched a video of a guy shooting himself in the head,he watched it over and over again,maybe that tricked his mind into making it seem more normal.

he suffered under Crohn disease and was addicted to heroin.

 

[dandan]

I have litterally no survival instinct because I have nembutal. And on top of that I will live my life the best I can until I am an old man, at which point when there is no more reason to keep pushing on I will end it and fall asleep and exit life. Meaning there will be not doubts in my mind once I am ready to go.

nembutal lasts for about 1 year shelf life, so if you are already convinced on waiting to be an old man, whats the point of buying it?
well, whatever... either way I might not use it either, so whats the point of buying it?
I do feel a litte rested knowing it is there... I might use it if things dont work out in 1 year? '

 

[GeorgeJL]

nembutal lasts for about 1 year shelf life, so if you are already convinced on waiting to be an old man, whats the point of buying it?
well, whatever... either way I might not use it either, so whats the point of buying it?
I do feel a litte rested knowing it is there... I might use it if things dont work out in 1 year? '

No, I have N in powder form. So it should last decades.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

nembutal lasts for about 1 year shelf life, so if you are already convinced on waiting to be an old man, whats the point of buying it?
well, whatever... either way I might not use it either, so whats the point of buying it?
I do feel a litte rested knowing it is there... I might use it if things dont work out in 1 year? '

I've had mine for almost a year and I think it's supposed to expire this year.
I started an attempt an chickened out last year. I didn't open the bottles of N but I did take some of the Antiemetics.
I felt sick so I stopped... I guess you are supposed to feel a little sick when taking them ?
I think I saw that mentioned in another post.

No, I have N in powder form. So it should last decades.

So Jelly …

 

[Superfluous]

I'm also scared. Not about ending my life as I made that decision some years ago, but more about SI. I wasn't aware of SI until I started to seriously plan the method and came across this forum. The more I read, the more I realise that SI can be a serious issue, even for the most determined person.

Failure isn't an option for me, so I really hope I can go through with it. I'm preparing several methods just in case. Unfortunately, my preferred method (N or Amitriptyline cocktail) isn't available to me as I don't have the time or resources to source the required materials. I really should have started planning this a few months earlier but I'm the world's greatest procrastinator.

 

[Marawa]

I'm terrified too. in rational moments so far I can't. Lucky for me the rational moments are few & far between. I'm usually crying my eyes out & tangled in anxiety.
I think it is a sign the time just isn't right. But when hysterical I had "more" serious attempts. I so scary

 

[Ruffian]

I just talked about this recently IRL. I am too much of a chicken even though partial suspension looks like the way for me. I don't know how people think ctb is for cowRds.

 

[chrijo]

I don't know how people think ctb is for cowRds.

When these people stand alone in front of a mirror and see their "beautiful" lives slowly passing, in this moment they fear the death too. These morons know they're talking shit. That's a society-thing, the self-deception is written in their faces and if you look closely, you can see it.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

No, I have N in powder form. So it should last decades.

Would you be kind enough to tell me how you acquired the N powder? Thank you George.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

How the fuck do you work up the courage to ctb? I really feel like it's time to go but I'm so scared.

What're those lines from Suicide Is Painless...?

"The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger watch it grin..."

 

[ghoulish.fool]

I'm scared too. I've always been scared. The fear and desire create this 10 year long stalemate.