Venting I'm a terrible friend and person

[ZeroSuitDoomgirl]

Over just a couple of weeks, I managed to ruin my relationship and all of my close friendships but one. Part of the issue was that it was probably irresponsible of me to get into that relationship in the first place, since what I ended up doing was telling myself it would work in the long run while not feeling much towards her in the first place. A bit of it wasn't entirely my fault since neither of us were good at communicating our feelings properly and both had mental health issues going in (kind of a recipe for disaster). But the biggest issue by far was my complete inability to handle my own romantic feelings for a mutual friend of ours.

This mutual friend was a great friend to both of us, she was particularly kind to me when I had just gotten out of an awful situation in which I had alienated several friends (again, I know). She kind of took me under her wing and was happy enough to be friends with me, but the big kicker for me was that she talked to me about alternate sexual orientations and helped me come to the realization that I was asexual. She was too, and, probably as a result of this bond we now shared, I caught feelings for her. I brought them up, and she made it clear that she wasn't interested, but was happy to continue being friends. I thought that over time, my feelings would go away and everything would be fine. However, they didn't, which was made worse by the fact that soon, we both started dating other people. One night, when I was very intoxicated and my girlfriend at the time was out clubbing, I talked to her about this again, just as a matter of honesty. At this point I feel obliged to mention that we were very close friends at this point, she was someone I could trust with any suicidal ideations and kept custody of all of my sharp objects for me to help me stop self-harming. She did not take this well, though (honestly her boyfriend took it better than she did, which in retrospect is really odd).

So that one night, when my then girlfriend got back from clubbing, she and I were both very intoxicated, and I just honestly felt like being alone. She wanted me to sleep over at her place, I wanted to leave, she ended up in tears and told me to go. Two days later, I am informed by this mutual friend that my then girlfriend went to her about this, and our conversation about my feelings was discussed. I was informed by this mutual friend that my girlfriend was now my ex, I would have to find a new place to live next year, and that frankly, neither of them felt comfortable being around me for a while. This was worsened by the fact that essentially every other close friend I had took their side (rightfully so), which essentially leaves me where I am now: one close friend left, no prospects for anything better, and fully and completely deserving of it all.

This is just one of many reasons why I want to CTB. I've realized that the problem isn't even my circumstances or bad luck, literally everything bad that happened to me is my own fault, and this situation is just one example of that. If the tone of this whole post seemed all over the place or like I blame this mutual friend, that's because the part of my brain that's vindictive and cruel can't accept the fact that I'm at fault. Honestly I'm not sure how much I can trust my own thoughts half the time, I feel like I'm losing my mind, this situation is probably a symptom of that. Anyway thanks for reading this much lmao, I know it's a lot for my first actual post here but hey