suffering
Too p*ssy to end it, too suicidal to leave
- Aug 17, 2018
- 398
After unsuccessfully facing my survival instinct, I have concluded many times over that it's futile to spend time and energy in trying again, that I should channel my efforts on making money so I can live comfortably. My biggest fear is that I would run out of money and that, being too coward to kill myself, I would endure starvation, abuse and horrible scenarios being homeless and alone. Becoming old and poor and alone scares the hell out of me as well.
So anyway I should be working as a horse right now.
And yet here I am. Browsing this sub. Sleeping 11h a day. Slowly eating into my savings. Still fantasizing about how I would hang myself. A part of me tells me "just go on like this until you run out of money and then just hang yourself, I'm sure you will be able to do it then. You know it's the logical thing to do. You don't want to be a wage slave." And this part is right, but the catch is that I KEEP FORGETTING I CANNOT OVER COME THE DAMNED SI. Out of all the illusions I ever sustained, the illusion of having what it takes to end it anytime I please is the illusion that fucked me up the most. I can barely fight this grandiose illusion, it's so strong.
It keeps me here stuck in limbo, sabotaging myself with every passing day. I can forgive myself for not having the constitution for suicide, but I can at least REMEMBER that I don't have it so that I can channel my efforts in a way that helps me avoid suffering.
I don't know maybe I'm overreacting and all I'm doing is taking it easy for a little bit until I get back into wage slavery. But it feels like I could be doing more. Even sleeping for "only" 10 h and exercising for 1 h would do me a great benefit, and yet I lay in bed trying my best to avoid reality.
So anyway I should be working as a horse right now.
And yet here I am. Browsing this sub. Sleeping 11h a day. Slowly eating into my savings. Still fantasizing about how I would hang myself. A part of me tells me "just go on like this until you run out of money and then just hang yourself, I'm sure you will be able to do it then. You know it's the logical thing to do. You don't want to be a wage slave." And this part is right, but the catch is that I KEEP FORGETTING I CANNOT OVER COME THE DAMNED SI. Out of all the illusions I ever sustained, the illusion of having what it takes to end it anytime I please is the illusion that fucked me up the most. I can barely fight this grandiose illusion, it's so strong.
It keeps me here stuck in limbo, sabotaging myself with every passing day. I can forgive myself for not having the constitution for suicide, but I can at least REMEMBER that I don't have it so that I can channel my efforts in a way that helps me avoid suffering.
I don't know maybe I'm overreacting and all I'm doing is taking it easy for a little bit until I get back into wage slavery. But it feels like I could be doing more. Even sleeping for "only" 10 h and exercising for 1 h would do me a great benefit, and yet I lay in bed trying my best to avoid reality.
