Venting I'm a murderer and I need to vent

[clockwork_cat]

I feel a great amount of shame by typing or talking about my pain. It's for different reasons- talking has never helped before, opening up makes people more likely to hurt and use you, talking is just a form of blatant SI. It's weak, it's useless, there is no point in being soft and kind in this cruel world. Everything you love and hope for will leave you.

Anyway, I'm a murderer. I've told this story many times. Talking is nothing. I just need to get it out again. I killed my best friend.

I've always been a complete loner and shut in. I suspect autism but it's probably due to trauma too. As a child, I yearned for friends, family, magic, dragons, any sort of hope that wasn't the pain I endured at home, alone all the time. I was never able to make friends or stay around long enough. People became more and more foreign, I spent all of my years buried in different universes in my head and in the books I was reading. I've been suicidal since I was a child.

There's so much to say about this time but this post is about the murder. Just know that I never really had friends. Connecting seemed impossible.

In 2021, I met someone that changed everything. This post isn't about him. But I can't talk about him, or else I'll cry. But when I met this person, when I became close to him, I saw a shooting star that July for the first time. And that time shift.. convinced me that magic, love, hope, they were real.

The person I murdered, I'll call him N. I knew N for a few years online, and he was always an irritable person that liked to get on peoples nerves. But that summer, we became really close friends. I don't know how to explain this but I became his big sister almost- I got him a job, made his resume, I was always an ear, I was always there. I was so happy that year. I really, really was so happy. I don't want to linger on this happiness, but everything bad in my life from growing up finally felt worth it.

N met a girl and fell in love for the first time. I was so happy for him. He would talk about her and how lucky he was to love and be loved. But this girl slowly became cold and distant with N. It made him spiral horribly and feel suicidal. I'm making this really short because I'm starting to get that "Why the fuck am I typing anything at all feeling."

I'll cut to the murder.
One day before I killed him, N asked me to hang out with him the next day. He seemed very urgent and depressed. He wanted to get his favorite meal from Chick Fil A. He needed to get out of the house and feel okay. I never, never have plans, as I don't really have family either, but on the 30th, my father wanted to randomly see me for some event. Completely out of the blue, never happens, I don't know why I wanted to go, I thought maybe I could repair things with him.

So I said no to N. I told him we could hang out soon. He asked me to watch a movie, but I was so tired. I said no.
The next day was January 30th. I was at my fathers house, when I received the message from N.



It didn't feel real. Time was so fast. I messaged him and called him so many times. I called the police to his address. But he wasn't at home.
N jumped and killed himself, and it was my fault.

I could've stopped it. I could've been there, the one time he needed me. I should've realized that family isn't just blood, it's the people you meet on this journey. The universe gave me a gift of friendship and I ruined it, I murdered it. And maybe you're thinking, "You couldn't have known" "It's not your fault", I've heard it all- the point is that I could have prevented this. His message even says it. He only said goodbye to me. His phone was thrown in the garbage can at the station after.

I didn't know he would jump. I have the burden of murder and all I want is to follow.

The other person I mentioned, he tried to be there for me for the entirety of last year after the death. But I know who I am, I know how sick I am, a murderer, so I did everything to push love away also. And it worked, it's gone now. I ruined that too.

So now I'm here. I cut myself, I abuse diphenhydramine, I recently started drinking every night until I black out. A lost cause. My futile attempts at suicide are a joke. The one time I got very close, the police were called to the station. I wanted to jump exactly where he did. It's all my fault.

Why am I still here? I don't know. My stupid human body still feels hope and wonder when I look at the sky, or my cat, or think about the person that I love. Even if he's gone. But I know I'm wasting time. I was supposed to die when N died. If I could give him my life, I promise, I would, I really wouldn't even think of it.

On Sanctioned Suicide, I hope to be brave, and lose that hope and SI, completely.
I want to be brave. The world is so cruel.

 

[davidrose]

I know you don't need to hear this but you are not a murderer, period. N had his own free will and chose what he felt was the best path for him.
I hope you find peace one day.

 

[brokensea]

When someone dies we can easily blame ourselves as the entirety and sole reason someone died. But what if because of you it helped him be in this world longer?

Even if you met that day he could have died on another day. No one can be there all of the time.

There was a mother who sent her son to the hospital and it went poorly for him and he killed himself she thought it only I didn't send him to the hospital.

Another mother didn't send her son to the hospital and she said if only I had he wouldn't be dead.

So really maybe one day or another day or one moment, no matter what happened or when it happened you feel like you could have saved them and you're responsible but you really truly aren't. There's so much more going on why someone does that besides a friend not meeting them one day.

If anything you were so many good things in their life. Please don't blame yourself for something you don't have control over. You think if you blame yourself you can fix it somehow if you're at fault but you truly aren't.

Love can't fix people or make them live no matter how much we love someone and wish we had the power to do so. They made a decision to do that. Not you. You didn't want that for them. I hope you find someone to talk to, to help you through this.

 

[LeatherRectangle]

I keep looking at your friend's message and I cannot see any part that says that you could have prevented it. I do not think that your friend decided to kill himself after you told him that you could not meet. He had probably thought about it many times and had clearly selected a spot where he was likely to succeed.

The way I see it, your friend was planning on killing himself and wanted to have his favorite meal one more time and see a movie. I have thought often about the person that I care most about, and the things I would do and say to her the last time we met.

I think that your friend perhaps thought that hanging out would leave you with a happy memory of him. I have had many "last moments" with other people where I know that I am likely to end my life. I have also written plenty of suicide notes to other people, similar to the one that your friend sent to you. I figure that the other person already knows how much they mean to me, but if I said it as bluntly as I wanted, they would feel responsible for trying to stop me (as how you tried to save your friend).

I will be honest, I realize that meeting with/writing to this person is probably more for me than it is for them. I feel guilty about going forward with my plan and I convince myself that I can make up for the immense pain that I will cause to that person with a well written note or a good time. In reality, there are no perfect words that can come close to helping them through this pain after I am gone.

I don't know if you frequently met with this friend under these same circumstances. Perhaps you had unknowingly stopped him from attempting suicide with something you did or said. Just as nothing your friend wrote could make up for how much pain you are feeling now, nothing you said or did would have been able to heal you friend when he was obviously in so much pain.

Whether or not you saw this friend one last time, this would be a very painful situation. Had you met with him, your friend probably would not have told you that he was planning on killing himself. He would have likely tried to make this a happy memory and you would instead be kicking yourself for not digging deeper.

Your friend obviously took steps to make sure that you were not able to stop him, so this was not a cry for help that you could have answered. It is painful to feel responsible for your friend's death, but I think that deep down you know that this isn't your fault. You are confusing your wish that you could have saved him with the ability to actually do so. He was ultimately in too much pain and he decided to end his life. You did your best to support and comfort him, but we cannot remove someone else's pain - no matter how much we would like to.

 

[GasMonkey]

Clickbaiter.

 

[SexyIncél]

The universe gave me a gift of friendship and I ruined it, I murdered it. And maybe you're thinking, "You couldn't have known" "It's not your fault", I've heard it all- the point is that I could have prevented this.

Makes sense. I accept you're a murderer, as you argue eloquently. The universe isn't a nice place. I too looked back and saw all my unnecessary missteps on the minefield. How the mines would detonate in someone's face

I don't know how you see things. Here's probably how I see things: I'm responsible for errors. Most others aren't; they harm others willy-nilly. And don't fix it. So they're NPCs, and something without agency can't be held responsible. I believe I have agency, so I'm responsible

If one has agency and responsibility, and causes death to what they're responsible for, I suppose they can conclude they're a murderer

 

[clockwork_cat]

I know you don't need to hear this but you are not a murderer, period. N had his own free will and chose what he felt was the best path for him.
I hope you find peace one day.

I am.
The reality is that, if he got on the train, and I just saw me once, it would've been fine

When someone dies we can easily blame ourselves as the entirety and sole reason someone died. But what if because of you it helped him be in this world longer?

Even if you met that day he could have died on another day. No one can be there all of the time.

There was a mother who sent her son to the hospital and it went poorly for him and he killed himself she thought it only I didn't send him to the hospital.

Another mother didn't send her son to the hospital and she said if only I had he wouldn't be dead.

So really maybe one day or another day or one moment, no matter what happened or when it happened you feel like you could have saved them and you're responsible but you really truly aren't. There's so much more going on why someone does that besides a friend not meeting them one day.

If anything you were so many good things in their life. Please don't blame yourself for something you don't have control over. You think if you blame yourself you can fix it somehow if you're at fault but you truly aren't.

Love can't fix people or make them live no matter how much we love someone and wish we had the power to do so. They made a decision to do that. Not you. You didn't want that for them. I hope you find someone to talk to, to help you through this.

I don't want help, I just don't want him to be alone much longer. I've been alone for so long and I know the suffering. Love fixes all, love is being there, I need to be there and follow.
Your message is very kind and thought out but it's not for me, I read these words and space out. I know how guilty I am.

 

[clockwork_cat]

Clickbaiter.

I don't understand I'm sorry

 

[Forever Sleep]

I understand why you feel guilty- I maybe would too- but it REALLY isn't your fault. Maybe he wouldn't have CTB that day but the likelihood is- he would have soon I would have thought. I'm not convinced we can 'save' one another. It has to be up to the person. I think you CAN blame someone if they bullied and persecuted someone to the point where they CTB. But- for not trying to 'save' them- that's difficult. It sounds like you were there for him other times- it sounds like you made a huge difference to his life. We can't be there 24/7 for anyone. It's unreasonable to expect that. We all have our own lives to try and deal with. I do understand why you feel like you do but I hope you can focus more on the good you clearly brought to his life and how grateful he was for that.

 

[FuneralCry]

The title is very misleading as you simply aren't. Everybody has the right to end their own existence and they aren't obligated to continue existing, that person chose to leave, it was their personal decision. But of course I agree that this world is so cruel, and any hope is just a delusion to inevitably lead to more suffering once it's taken away. I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, it's true that there could never be any peace in this existence, at least your friend cannot suffer anymore.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I feel a great amount of shame by typing or talking about my pain. It's for different reasons- talking has never helped before, opening up makes people more likely to hurt and use you, talking is just a form of blatant SI. It's weak, it's useless, there is no point in being soft and kind in this cruel world. Everything you love and hope for will leave you.

Anyway, I'm a murderer. I've told this story many times. Talking is nothing. I just need to get it out again. I killed my best friend.

I've always been a complete loner and shut in. I suspect autism but it's probably due to trauma too. As a child, I yearned for friends, family, magic, dragons, any sort of hope that wasn't the pain I endured at home, alone all the time. I was never able to make friends or stay around long enough. People became more and more foreign, I spent all of my years buried in different universes in my head and in the books I was reading. I've been suicidal since I was a child.

There's so much to say about this time but this post is about the murder. Just know that I never really had friends. Connecting seemed impossible.

In 2021, I met someone that changed everything. This post isn't about him. But I can't talk about him, or else I'll cry. But when I met this person, when I became close to him, I saw a shooting star that July for the first time. And that time shift.. convinced me that magic, love, hope, they were real.

The person I murdered, I'll call him N. I knew N for a few years online, and he was always an irritable person that liked to get on peoples nerves. But that summer, we became really close friends. I don't know how to explain this but I became his big sister almost- I got him a job, made his resume, I was always an ear, I was always there. I was so happy that year. I really, really was so happy. I don't want to linger on this happiness, but everything bad in my life from growing up finally felt worth it.

N met a girl and fell in love for the first time. I was so happy for him. He would talk about her and how lucky he was to love and be loved. But this girl slowly became cold and distant with N. It made him spiral horribly and feel suicidal. I'm making this really short because I'm starting to get that "Why the fuck am I typing anything at all feeling."

I'll cut to the murder.
One day before I killed him, N asked me to hang out with him the next day. He seemed very urgent and depressed. He wanted to get his favorite meal from Chick Fil A. He needed to get out of the house and feel okay. I never, never have plans, as I don't really have family either, but on the 30th, my father wanted to randomly see me for some event. Completely out of the blue, never happens, I don't know why I wanted to go, I thought maybe I could repair things with him.

So I said no to N. I told him we could hang out soon. He asked me to watch a movie, but I was so tired. I said no.
The next day was January 30th. I was at my fathers house, when I received the message from N.

View attachment 112126

It didn't feel real. Time was so fast. I messaged him and called him so many times. I called the police to his address. But he wasn't at home.
N jumped and killed himself, and it was my fault.

I could've stopped it. I could've been there, the one time he needed me. I should've realized that family isn't just blood, it's the people you meet on this journey. The universe gave me a gift of friendship and I ruined it, I murdered it. And maybe you're thinking, "You couldn't have known" "It's not your fault", I've heard it all- the point is that I could have prevented this. His message even says it. He only said goodbye to me. His phone was thrown in the garbage can at the station after.

I didn't know he would jump. I have the burden of murder and all I want is to follow.

The other person I mentioned, he tried to be there for me for the entirety of last year after the death. But I know who I am, I know how sick I am, a murderer, so I did everything to push love away also. And it worked, it's gone now. I ruined that too.

So now I'm here. I cut myself, I abuse diphenhydramine, I recently started drinking every night until I black out. A lost cause. My futile attempts at suicide are a joke. The one time I got very close, the police were called to the station. I wanted to jump exactly where he did. It's all my fault.

Why am I still here? I don't know. My stupid human body still feels hope and wonder when I look at the sky, or my cat, or think about the person that I love. Even if he's gone. But I know I'm wasting time. I was supposed to die when N died. If I could give him my life, I promise, I would, I really wouldn't even think of it.

On Sanctioned Suicide, I hope to be brave, and lose that hope and SI, completely.
I want to be brave. The world is so cruel.

"It's not your fault, you couldn't have saved them."

I tell myself these things often.
I lost a former partner to suicide almost three years ago and while I don't think I'm a murderer, I feel immense guilt over my inactions. I essentially abandoned them when they needed me the most. The only reason I don't think I'm a murderer is because they were going to CTB eventually even if they moved in with me.
At least that's what I try to tell myself. No matter how much I try to improve my life, I feel this deep, unrelenting desire to die just like my partner did as a form of "atonement" for my lack of humanity. The world is cruel and I'm a part of it's cruelty.

 

[clockwork_cat]

The title is very misleading as you simply aren't. Everybody has the right to end their own existence and they aren't obligated to continue existing, that person chose to leave, it was their personal decision. But of course I agree that this world is so cruel, and any hope is just a delusion to inevitably lead to more suffering once it's taken away. I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, it's true that there could never be any peace in this existence, at least your friend cannot suffer anymore.

I can logically understand your point of view and if I were somebody else, I wouldn't necessarily consider them to be a murderer. But the thing is, from his messages, he literally said he wanted a life closer together, that it all would've been okay if he was away from his family, etc.
Later on, someone showed me messages from him to another person- he said he had plans to ask me if he could stay at my house for a bit.

Suicide is a choice but he wanted a family, love, all things that could've been possible if he just got on the train that day.

"It's not your fault, you couldn't have saved them."

I tell myself these things often.
I lost a former partner to suicide almost three years ago and while I don't think I'm a murderer, I feel immense guilt over my inactions. I essentially abandoned them when they needed me the most. The only reason I don't think I'm a murderer is because they were going to CTB eventually even if they moved in with me.
At least that's what I try to tell myself. No matter how much I try to improve my life, I feel this deep, unrelenting desire to die just like my partner did as a form of "atonement" for my lack of humanity. The world is cruel and I'm a part of it's cruelty.

How do you know they would've done it regardless?

 

[NoLightRemains]

How do you know they would've done it regardless?

I can never know for certain. She wasn't doing well and she was not interested in recovery. I could have tried my best to support her and let her live with me, but I think it was only a matter of time. At least that's what I tell myself.

 

[CentreMid]

My condolences. You call yourself a murderer, but there's nothing in your post that alludes to that. I know that you're grieving and wishing you could have prevented what happened to your friend, but in the grand scheme of things, I don't think you're a murderer, and I don't think any of this is your fault. In fact, it sounds to me like you were a wonderful friend to that person, and did the best you could do. I know it's difficult to see right now, and it's certainly easier said than done, but please, do try your best to not beat youself up too much. Best of luck in whatever you choose to do next, and I hope you find peace. Take care.

 

[clockwork_cat]

I can never know for certain. She wasn't doing well and she was not interested in recovery. I could have tried my best to support her and let her live with me, but I think it was only a matter of time. At least that's what I tell myself.

Did you move on?

 

[NoLightRemains]

Did you move on?

No, not really. It has gotten "easier" over time but I'm hanging around SaSu so I'm still damaged over it. It's definitely a part of my desire to CTB, but not the only reason.

 

[brokensea]

I am.
The reality is that, if he got on the train, and I just saw me once, it would've been fine

I don't want help, I just don't want him to be alone much longer. I've been alone for so long and I know the suffering. Love fixes all, love is being there, I need to be there and follow.
Your message is very kind and thought out but it's not for me, I read these words and space out. I know how guilty I am.

Unfortunately, love isn't all powerful and doesn't give us magical powers. Love can't stop a car when it hits and kills someone we love. Love cannot cure cancer. Love cannot make someone live when they do not wish to. Love has its limits and we are human, powerless and small. Nothing is more humbling to our own lack of power when someone decides to kill themselves. You are human. Nothing can be done. If you met that day and he died on another day and didn't reach out you'd still blame yourself. You're taking responsibility for this person's entire life and everything that happened to them. You could not have prevented this.

 

[Lawliet]

i know it feels like you're a murderer, but unless you physically pushed N, you're not to blame. i've had friends kill themselves and i always feel guilty. i always ask "what if". but it doesn't do anything. your friend wished to end their life. it's something that all of us want for do here. can you find solace in the fact that N's suffering has ended?

 

[SpiderLink]

I feel a great amount of shame by typing or talking about my pain. It's for different reasons- talking has never helped before, opening up makes people more likely to hurt and use you, talking is just a form of blatant SI. It's weak, it's useless, there is no point in being soft and kind in this cruel world. Everything you love and hope for will leave you.

Anyway, I'm a murderer. I've told this story many times. Talking is nothing. I just need to get it out again. I killed my best friend.

I've always been a complete loner and shut in. I suspect autism but it's probably due to trauma too. As a child, I yearned for friends, family, magic, dragons, any sort of hope that wasn't the pain I endured at home, alone all the time. I was never able to make friends or stay around long enough. People became more and more foreign, I spent all of my years buried in different universes in my head and in the books I was reading. I've been suicidal since I was a child.

There's so much to say about this time but this post is about the murder. Just know that I never really had friends. Connecting seemed impossible.

In 2021, I met someone that changed everything. This post isn't about him. But I can't talk about him, or else I'll cry. But when I met this person, when I became close to him, I saw a shooting star that July for the first time. And that time shift.. convinced me that magic, love, hope, they were real.

The person I murdered, I'll call him N. I knew N for a few years online, and he was always an irritable person that liked to get on peoples nerves. But that summer, we became really close friends. I don't know how to explain this but I became his big sister almost- I got him a job, made his resume, I was always an ear, I was always there. I was so happy that year. I really, really was so happy. I don't want to linger on this happiness, but everything bad in my life from growing up finally felt worth it.

N met a girl and fell in love for the first time. I was so happy for him. He would talk about her and how lucky he was to love and be loved. But this girl slowly became cold and distant with N. It made him spiral horribly and feel suicidal. I'm making this really short because I'm starting to get that "Why the fuck am I typing anything at all feeling."

I'll cut to the murder.
One day before I killed him, N asked me to hang out with him the next day. He seemed very urgent and depressed. He wanted to get his favorite meal from Chick Fil A. He needed to get out of the house and feel okay. I never, never have plans, as I don't really have family either, but on the 30th, my father wanted to randomly see me for some event. Completely out of the blue, never happens, I don't know why I wanted to go, I thought maybe I could repair things with him.

So I said no to N. I told him we could hang out soon. He asked me to watch a movie, but I was so tired. I said no.
The next day was January 30th. I was at my fathers house, when I received the message from N.

View attachment 112126

It didn't feel real. Time was so fast. I messaged him and called him so many times. I called the police to his address. But he wasn't at home.
N jumped and killed himself, and it was my fault.

I could've stopped it. I could've been there, the one time he needed me. I should've realized that family isn't just blood, it's the people you meet on this journey. The universe gave me a gift of friendship and I ruined it, I murdered it. And maybe you're thinking, "You couldn't have known" "It's not your fault", I've heard it all- the point is that I could have prevented this. His message even says it. He only said goodbye to me. His phone was thrown in the garbage can at the station after.

I didn't know he would jump. I have the burden of murder and all I want is to follow.

The other person I mentioned, he tried to be there for me for the entirety of last year after the death. But I know who I am, I know how sick I am, a murderer, so I did everything to push love away also. And it worked, it's gone now. I ruined that too.

So now I'm here. I cut myself, I abuse diphenhydramine, I recently started drinking every night until I black out. A lost cause. My futile attempts at suicide are a joke. The one time I got very close, the police were called to the station. I wanted to jump exactly where he did. It's all my fault.

Why am I still here? I don't know. My stupid human body still feels hope and wonder when I look at the sky, or my cat, or think about the person that I love. Even if he's gone. But I know I'm wasting time. I was supposed to die when N died. If I could give him my life, I promise, I would, I really wouldn't even think of it.

On Sanctioned Suicide, I hope to be brave, and lose that hope and SI, completely.
I want to be brave. The world is so cruel.

I am so so sorry, you've been through so much and I could only imagine. But please know, u didn't murder your friend, murder is when u want to do it and intend to, but u never wanted to or intend to. I know you've probably heard that before. Thank you for sharing your story, sending virtual hugs

 

[SpiderLink]

Clickbaiter.

I don't think that's appropriate

 

[unnormal9]

I am so so sorry, you've been through so much and I could only imagine. But please know, u didn't murder your friend, murder is when u want to do it and intend to, but u never wanted to or intend to. I know you've probably heard that before. Thank you for sharing your story, sending virtual hugs

No, its not actually, murder is simple one killing another, whether intentional or not, premeditated or not.

 

[SpiderLink]

No, it's not actually, murder is simple one killing another, whether intentional or not, premeditated or not.

accidents happen, just like bumping into someone on the street, it could have been intentional or not. Murder is when u INTEND to kill someone, u want to kill them. Simple.

 

[unnormal9]

accidents happen, just like bumping into someone on the street, it could have been intentional or not. Murder is when u INTEND to kill someone, u want to kill them. Simple.

Murder is the killing of another in the eyes of the law.

 

[silent star]

Your not a murderer, you didn't know that he was going to end his life. It's not your fault. You're very brave thank you for sharing your story, I Hope you find the peace you deserve.