Venting I'm a monster

[IronicFail]

A few years ago, my ex-fiance asked if I knew how to love. She didn't ask this question from an angry place. I didn't know how to answer the question.

I've been told that I don't. That I'm a manipulator and a liar.

Therefore, I think the world would be a better place without me.

That same ex, was beaten and raped after we broke up. I saw it once, on a Skype call. He kept saying "I'm not like [ironicfail]". What kind of monster must I be then?

I've been called a "fucking moron" in a class and didn't rise to it. But I was called into the profs office. Because he thought I was going to get violent. What did he see in me?

I've had an ex, who tried to kill me and stalked me, take me to court. What did she see that I conned myself not see?

The list goes on. I'm a monster and I'm tired of being a monster.

 

[DreamFreedom]

All the evidence provided doesn't show you to be that at all. In fact it shows you to be more indifferent than anything. Other peoples perception of you doesn't prove it to be true.

 

[IronicFail]

I'm not indifferent to it. I thought I was for a time too. Though if I'm indifferent to the evils in the first example then I am a monster.

All of this and everything I haven't listed weighs in me.

 

[IronicFail]

I might do it on impulse in the next 48. There are people in my house who are heavy sleepers. They would find me in the morning and could see to my dog.

 

[ctoan]

if you get this from different independent sources it might be true


if self realisation isnt your strength you may should seek professional help to identify and adress the problem

maybe you are autistic, neurotic, narcissistic whatever

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I have been feeling the same lately. For what it's worth, you're not alone, though I know that's little consolation. It feels more people have grown to hate me and threaten me way past what I feel I deserve, but perhaps really I am simply blind to myself and what I have become. I feel at times I have been scapegoated and gaslighted and so on, indeed I have drawn inwardly lately to protect myself from these types so to speak, some of whom know my address, which I foolishly perhaps gave out in times of trust. But I've never been a malicious person. I react at times, and at times I've been indifferent because I could see no long-term good in said friendship or relationship, to keep it going. I don't know these days. Regardless of what you decide, I wish you some peace.

Edit: And, thank you for sharing this. It helped me this morning a good deal.

I should also clarify, I realize when you're in a vulnerable position, or people even think you are, sometimes they become supremely narcissistic, and if you do not accept their offer of "help," you are considered quite ungrateful at best and simply monstrous at worst. For indeed what kind of creature could reject their "help" and have the black heart to find anything wrong with them? I don't know, hierarchies and power structures and covert narcissism abound in my life lately at times, I'm trying to remain self-sufficient though as though there's an existential loneliness, I value my autonomy more than someone passively aggressively dictating how I should view and live my life for me, and how I should place them at the center of everything.

Sorry, rant over.

Not to mention my view of love being tarnished, lots of condition things and how we're replaceable, but again I don't know how much I brought this on. But something told me it would be this way. Still, I probably should go back in for professional help so to speak, but money is an issue, as well as my thinking it can't really help any.

Now rant over I think, I need to take my sleepin' pills and sleep soon xD

 

[IronicFail]

if you get this from different independent sources it might be true

That's the thing. I've multiple sources saying the opposite too. I don't know what to believe. I don't know if my intentions are ever good or bad. I can't tell. Everything is filled with doubt. I don't trust myself.

if self realisation isnt your strength you may should seek professional help to identify and adress the problem

maybe you are autistic, neurotic, narcissistic whatever

And therein lies the issue. In my introduction post I said my story is unique. I cannot be assessed properly due to this. There are two major factors: 1) my upbringing; 2) my career training. The latter precludes me from being assessed. The former invalidates the assessments. For reasons I can't get into the latter.

But with regards to the former, I had a learning difficulty in reading and writing. As a result of this and behavioural issues, no public school would take me. So I went to a private school with kids with an LD. At age 9, I was taking classes with 18 year olds, doing what people age 7 where doing. I didn't have a normal social development. I fought my way ahead, hell I have a PhD now. But because of the issues of social development I pop positive on a lot of psychometric measures because I'm an outlier.

 

[ctoan]

That's the thing. I've multiple sources saying the opposite too. I don't know what to believe. I don't know if my intentions are ever good or bad. I can't tell. Everything is filled with doubt. I don't trust myself.


And therein lies the issue. In my introduction post I said my story is unique. I cannot be assessed properly due to this. There are two major factors: 1) my upbringing; 2) my career training. The latter precludes me from being assessed. The former invalidates the assessments. For reasons I can't get into the latter.

But with regards to the former, I had a learning difficulty in reading and writing. As a result of this and behavioural issues, no public school would take me. So I went to a private school with kids with an LD. At age 9, I was taking classes with 18 year olds, doing what people age 7 where doing. I didn't have a normal social development. I fought my way ahead, hell I have a PhD now. But because of the issues of social development I pop positive on a lot of psychometric measures because I'm an outlier.

what are you trying to tell me?

that you are special and not like everybody else?

narcissistic it is i see

 

[IronicFail]

I have been feeling the same lately. For what it's worth, you're not alone, though I know that's little consolation. It feels more people have grown to hate me and threaten me way past what I feel I deserve, but perhaps really I am simply blind to myself and what I have become. I feel at times I have been scapegoated and gaslighted and so on, indeed I have drawn inwardly lately to protect myself from these types so to speak, some of whom know my address, which I foolishly perhaps gave out in times of trust. But I've never been a malicious person. I react at times, and at times I've been indifferent because I could see no long-term good in said friendship or relationship, to keep it going. I don't know these days. Regardless of what you decide, I wish you some peace.

Edit: And, thank you for sharing this. It helped me this morning a good deal.

Think you said it better than I could.

I had my recent ex tell me she felt manipulated into the relationship. Even though I did everything I could to scare her away from dating me, even though I checked every step of the way if she was okay with what was going on. Some of the things she used as examples are her PTSD speaking. But others... Did I manipulate her? Again that image of my ex being beaten and hearing the guy say he isn't like me....

 

[IronicFail]

what are you trying to tell me?

that you are special and not like everybody else?

narcissistic it is i see

Heh maybe. Or maybe anyone trained to give these measures, like I am, are not able to be assessed by them. But still maybe both.

 

[ctoan]

i read that people are super poor at reflecting their own behavior even though we think otherwise

self awareness isnt a human strength

 

[IronicFail]

i read that people are super poor at reflecting their own behavior even though we think otherwise

self awareness isnt a human strength

If our ideal self and real safe are inline we're "great" at it. We tend to be a bit more rose colored glasses about.

But if the two aren't inline with each other, we tend to more often suck at it.

The issue is the training I have means I know what words to use to what effect in a professional setting. Also means, I know how to get certain scores on certain measures rather easily. (Why anyone with the training is precluded from bring able to be assessed properly).

Oh forgot about depression. People with depression see the world but not themselves more accurately.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Think you said it better than I could.

I had my recent ex tell me she felt manipulated into the relationship. Even though I did everything I could to scare her away from dating me, even though I checked every step of the way if she was okay with what was going on. Some of the things she used as examples are her PTSD speaking. But others... Did I manipulate her? Again that image of my ex being beaten and hearing the guy say he isn't like me....

Yeah, I'm sorry you are struggling with this, I wish I could help more there *hugs* And thanks for the compliment, sorry my brain farted, I kept trying to formulate a reply but I kept failing, so I gave up. Lol.

 

[IronicFail]

Yeah, I'm sorry you are struggling with this, I wish I could help more there *hugs* And thanks for the compliment, sorry my brain farted, I kept trying to formulate a reply but I kept failing, so I gave up. Lol.

I know that feeling. That's why I logged out for a bit. My brain is still dead.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I know that feeling. That's why I logged out for a bit. My brain is still dead.

Yeah cough syrup helps me a little though it's a sad way to treat the brain <3 So it may cause more harm than not >< More coming on Monday I've been without it a week *giggles and shrugs* Ah well hugs can help too *hugs*

 

[Anyara]

I know what you're talking about. They call me a monster all the time. I have been called and labeled a sociopath by both society (shrinks, law enforcement etc) but also my family and Friends.. mostly my girlfriend However.
She talks about me beeing manipulative often.
If you ever want to talk about it cause it sounds familiar or anything, send me a PM..

 

[IronicFail]

I know what you're talking about. They call me a monster all the time. I have been called and labeled a sociopath by both society (shrinks, law enforcement etc) but also my family and Friends.. mostly my girlfriend However.
She talks about me beeing manipulative often.
If you ever want to talk about it cause it sounds familiar or anything, send me a PM..

I may take you up on that. I just need a few days because... Well as of now my ex is threatening me. She knows one of my pressure points. This particular point is something I need to be careful around as even when I CTB, I don't want to risk the damage it can do long term to a lot of people... I think I just need to get my head around the situation before I can talk about it rationally.

 

[IronicFail]

Yeah cough syrup helps me a little though it's a sad way to treat the brain <3 So it may cause more harm than not >< More coming on Monday I've been without it a week *giggles and shrugs* Ah well hugs can help too *hugs*

Heh. I'm so sleepy deprived right now that... I think a single thing of cigy syrup might make me cationic... Which sounds isn't nice.

 

[Schopenhauer]

You certainly don't act like a monster, based on the description of your behavior. Generally speaking, I think that killing yourself because of other people is a bad idea.

 

[Anyara]

I may take you up on that. I just need a few days because... Well as of now my ex is threatening me. She knows one of my pressure points. This particular point is something I need to be careful around as even when I CTB, I don't want to risk the damage it can do long term to a lot of people... I think I just need to get my head around the situation before I can talk about it rationally.

Take all the time you need my friend

 

[IronicFail]

You certainly don't act like a monster, based on the description of your behavior. Generally speaking, I think that killing yourself because of other people is a bad idea.

So do I. But I feel so isolated from the world that it is.. problematic. Though this isn't my main motivator. This is just the contributing factor that is weighing on me the most. The childhood abuse, the physical pain, the crippling anxiety and depression, work stress, issues with self-identity, life long insomnia, etc. all play a role. It isn't one thing, is 23 years of depression and losing my resilience being hit by all these things. I mean, I've been anhedonic for 23 years of my life. I have a few memories from over 23 years ago where I was happy but those oddly involve the person who'd end up abusing me until I was a teenager.

 

[BjartNO]

I'm a monster and I'm tired of being a monster.

Possibly, but you've certainly failed to convince me of this with any of your posts.