Yuki K
Student
- Mar 9, 2023
- 122
All my life I've put myself forward as a jolly and fun man, who makes everyone laugh and laughs along with the others. I amaze others with my cheap magic tricks. At work, everyone knows me as that "happy-to-go-lucky" guy. My friends see me manage time for writing (which is kinda my hobby ig) and equestrian (a sport) along side with my work schedule, and today he asked me "how did I have my life so planned out?". We were drinking so I just scoffed the question off.
But everything is a façade, I don't have my life planned out rather I have my death planned out better than my life planned out. Everyday it becomes increasingly harder for me to live this life. It's as if I'm some else. I'm a totally different person when I'm with other people. I constantly have this urge to make everyone feel comfortable and happy even if it's out of my comfort zone in some cases. I constantly fear of saying something wrong and I don't want to speak to people at times. But since I'm an "extrovert" as other people tell me I am so I have to talk.
I don't know if I can live like this any longer.
Another thing that happened, while drinking with my colleagues was that the topic of suicide came up because a news was spreading about a little girl committing suicide in our locality. Everyone was mourning for her death and they started talking about how cruel and wrong suicide is, And i had to pitch into the convo and agreed that indeed suicide is selfish even though I don't think that's true in anyway. But I still said so. I feel so pathetic, being like some kind of pathological liar and hypocrite.
If you read the whole thing, I think you're awesome and have a great day/evening/night
But everything is a façade, I don't have my life planned out rather I have my death planned out better than my life planned out. Everyday it becomes increasingly harder for me to live this life. It's as if I'm some else. I'm a totally different person when I'm with other people. I constantly have this urge to make everyone feel comfortable and happy even if it's out of my comfort zone in some cases. I constantly fear of saying something wrong and I don't want to speak to people at times. But since I'm an "extrovert" as other people tell me I am so I have to talk.
I don't know if I can live like this any longer.
Another thing that happened, while drinking with my colleagues was that the topic of suicide came up because a news was spreading about a little girl committing suicide in our locality. Everyone was mourning for her death and they started talking about how cruel and wrong suicide is, And i had to pitch into the convo and agreed that indeed suicide is selfish even though I don't think that's true in anyway. But I still said so. I feel so pathetic, being like some kind of pathological liar and hypocrite.
If you read the whole thing, I think you're awesome and have a great day/evening/night