Venting I'm a horrible person because I wish I was sicker

[Done_Surviving]

Back when the first symptoms of Fibromialgia started to come up, I, like any dumbass would started to look up the symptoms in google. And I'm sorry to say this, and I don't mean to offend or undermine anyone who is actually sick or has had sick loved ones. But I would be lying if I said that it didn't give me a little bit of hope the possibility to have something terminal. Like cancer, lupus, or organ failure, anything that could put me on an early grave. I thought it was a blessing, I thought that God had finally heard my prays and decided to kill me.
But then they gave me my actual diagnosis, and it broke me down emotionally. I never said this out loud, but the reason why it was such an emotional punch was not because I was going to have to live with chronic pain and fatigue, it was because the disease wasn't going to kill me.
I was, and have the missfortune of having to feel my muscles aching, feeling as if they were being stabbed or electrocuted, feeling as though I was walking on iron nails. And a fatigue that makes my eyesight blurry and different migraines come and go through the day, as well as bowel and kidney problems. But none of it is going to kill me. I have the missfortune of dragging my stupid body around while it's going through an illness that a lot of doctors don't even think it's real.
Last year my grandma had a heart surgery that had some complications (she's fine now don't worry) And I know I sound like a horrible person, but I would watch her laying down on the hospital bed wishing it was me. Wishing I was the one whose body was finally given up. Wishing I had the chance to stop clinging on to life and just die. I've never said this to anyone, not even my therapist. So I'm sorry for venting out here

 

[Scattered-Soul]

You're not horrible for feeling this way, maybe I'm saying it because me and a lot of other people are in the same position but seriously, to me it feels like a rational response to the struggles we have to deal with. It might be impossible to comprehend by people who don't suffer from a chronic or non-terminal progressive illness but a lot of the time this can be just as much of hell.

Like, I don't wanna downplay the severity of terminal illnesses and the person does indeed go through unimaginable amount of suffering before their passing but with those other conditions it's like you're stuck between life and death for a prolonged amount of time, it's like you're being tortured super slowly. At least it's like that for me, I have CFS (which is the less bad one of the two) and medication induced neurocognitive disorder/progressive brain damage, whatever you wanna call it. It's like having dementia but a slower more agonizing version of it that won't kill me but will probably drive me crazy because of having to live with its worsening symptoms while having full awareness.

And the thing is that with this type of disorders you can't even apply for euthanasia. Some pretty severe cases can but with terminal patients it's a lot more acceptable. With this you're just expected to deal and live with it because "it ain't gonna kill you so it ain't that bad and you seem fine on the outside". Who cares if your quality of life is extremely low and you're suffering, am I right? Not to mention the amount of medical gaslighting you go through and the lack of empathy and understanding people have for it, they treat it like it's a nonexistent problem or like it's not that bad.

In my case I can't recover, doctors can't do anything for me but I'm also stuck suffering so just like you I wish I could have terminal illness on top of it. I mean the best case scenario would've been if I was completely healthy but since I'm stuck with this might as well, at least I'd know that I'd escape and that there's nothing I could've done against it.

Sorry for the lengthy response, short version would be - I don't think you're a bad person at all and a lot of us relate to this.

 

[undecided]

You aren't alone. There are many who wish for terminal illness, so they don't have to go through the ctb process.

 

[kelimackie]

you're not alone in this feeling, I would be the happiest person in this world if I had a terminal illness, the doctor would probably think I'm insane

 

[Done_Surviving]

you're not alone in this feeling, I would be the happiest person in this world if I had a terminal illness, the doctor would probably think I'm insane

I sometimes fantasy about the doctor giving me the news of a terminal illness, and I just jump up excited and start doing a little dance.

 

[sserafim]

Back when the first symptoms of Fibromialgia started to come up, I, like any dumbass would started to look up the symptoms in google. And I'm sorry to say this, and I don't mean to offend or undermine anyone who is actually sick or has had sick loved ones. But I would be lying if I said that it didn't give me a little bit of hope the possibility to have something terminal. Like cancer, lupus, or organ failure, anything that could put me on an early grave. I thought it was a blessing, I thought that God had finally heard my prays and decided to kill me.
But then they gave me my actual diagnosis, and it broke me down emotionally. I never said this out loud, but the reason why it was such an emotional punch was not because I was going to have to live with chronic pain and fatigue, it was because the disease wasn't going to kill me.
I was, and have the missfortune of having to feel my muscles aching, feeling as if they were being stabbed or electrocuted, feeling as though I was walking on iron nails. And a fatigue that makes my eyesight blurry and different migraines come and go through the day, as well as bowel and kidney problems. But none of it is going to kill me. I have the missfortune of dragging my stupid body around while it's going through an illness that a lot of doctors don't even think it's real.
Last year my grandma had a heart surgery that had some complications (she's fine now don't worry) And I know I sound like a horrible person, but I would watch her laying down on the hospital bed wishing it was me. Wishing I was the one whose body was finally given up. Wishing I had the chance to stop clinging on to life and just die. I've never said this to anyone, not even my therapist. So I'm sorry for venting out here

I wish I had a terminal illness as well. Unfortunately I only have neurodivergence / mental illness, and it doesn't qualify for VAS. Asperger's, ADHD, and social anxiety make my life so miserable but it still doesn't let me qualify for euthanasia, let alone let me die. They're just stupid chronic, lifelong conditions. I wish I had a terminal illness so I wouldn't have to ctb. I wish I had a fatal illness so I could just die

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very much understandable wishing for a terminal illness instead of being trapped in a situation of constant suffering with no end in sight where there is no straightforward way to just cease existing. At least those with terminal illnesses have the knowledge that soon they will be permanently free from this existence where they can be at peace.